Weird pattern of behavior

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I have a weird pattern of behavior. I go about my daily life wandering aimlessly in my mind, whether I'm going shopping, on a business mission, on a road trip, or socializing out with friends and family. I have a weird habit of not really being entirely "here." It's as if, no matter how old I am—I still think I'm in some fanciful land...where I can be complacent and live freely, and nothing bad is going to happen. Apparently, because of this, somebody else is still supporting me. I'm in my forties, and this weird mental habit is dissolving, because I have more cares in my life. 

Anyway, this weird pattern of behavior was very convincing and kept ensuring me I was going to have an awesome life. But I was never truly a happy person. In the moments I was in this fanciful realm, I noticed that my life wasn't getting better, and I was always financially struggling, and being independent was undetermined and far off. I just wasn't taking anything in my life seriously. Every since COVID broke out, I barely worked for a few years, and now I'm returning to college. I've become a stuck individual, living a rutty lifestyle. 

I think to myself, what did I expect?...Of course, I'm stuck. I chose MD over being in their world.