The Misfit’s Gift: Living Between Worlds

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel heartened to mention this. I seldom ever had real human relationships, because maladaptive daydreaming was my relationship. I longed for relationships, but I didn't stop and think that MD was pulling me away from getting closer to people. In fact, I repelled people from knowing me better, because I scared them off with my MD symptoms. I'm sure that I made them think I was a fruitcake. I laughed for nothing and talked to air. Reason I started MD, because I simply didn't fit into any crowds who were around—I was a misfit with a special gift that made others think I was some freak. 

Growing up, I was also afraid of unfamiliar responsibilities that took good skill and thinking. I have asperger syndrome, and was always very strong and intelligent at creating art and writing stories, even poems. I would be introduced to brand new things, such as a software, sport, strategy, or a practice—and I'd try not to have a meltdown, because I just sucked and wasn't a fast learner. Other neurotypical kids would pick it up fast and confidently, thinking their so cool, but look at me like I was retarded. This didn't make me any friends, either. 

Also, I struggled to verbally express myself properly, and it was a killer on my social life. I was super quiet or I stumbled on words, so nobody could hear or understand a word I was saying. So they simply ignored me...copied me...or manipulated me. This only encouraged me to MD even more. Thus doing this made me even quieter, which just bothered everybody, so there were no relationships. Having my spectrum didn't make this better, because I would do things that made them think I was rude, spiteful and uncivil—so they'd get upset or furious—which definitely did not make me any friends. 

But I had this MD world that made me feel safe, assured and happy to get away from the reality I faced everyday, especially when things got very unsatisfying and painful. 

I'm old enough as an adult to realize that I should've worked on my weaknesses with good therapy and coaching, which would've been smart to start doing as a kid, but I discover I was on the spectrum until I was 30. Between MD and AS, both these cases really impacted the roads I took and decisions I made, and my relationship with my family, in a rather negative way. I might as well taken up drugs. 

I went on quite a rollercoaster ride, but now I want to get off and start over without making the same mistakes again.