81 days without MD

[Evelien]

I am a female, almost 35 years old. I am married for 12 years and we have 3 kids together. I have a normal life on the outside. But I also MD, had it since I was 10 years old. 

At 10 years old, the abuse by my brother had started. My dad was never around, always working. My mom just isn't mentally capable for taking care of anyone (including herself). MD was there for me when I was feeling so lonely.

In my daydreams I am a succesfull singer, and it's always about being in the spotlight, being noticed. Only my dad had a share in my daydreams. My brother didn't excist, my mother died when I was a little kid. The family I had in my head was protective of me, did everything to make me feel safe. It showed me things that I would like to do, it showed me things that bothered or meant something for me. 

I don't think MD bothered me too much till a couple of years ago. A while after my second kid was born. There were a lot of things, especially the abuse, that I had bottled up. Facing my past was too much, and I started MD'ing much more than before. I learned that it taught me things so I didn't necessarily tried to tone it down. It was also a way out to escape, and just be free without responsibilties from being a young mother. 

Living 2 lives is so hard. I slept way too little, I MD'd while driving, I was so stressed, or I would get angry with the kids because they snapped me out of my MD. My mind was all over the place. Which caused me soooo much stress. 

I have tried quitting before, I think I have been MD free for 6 months in the past. And then sometimes it just sucks me back in. Especially music is a trigger. And maybe weird for some, but when I am ovulating also. 

I have been MD-free for the past 81 days. I keep telling myself it no longer serves me, it gives me stress, I Miss things, I fall behind with my work which causes me stress again. I keep telling myself I am save, I am seen by my own family, this version of the real me is good enough. 

But a couple of days ago, I feel the urge again. I was ovulating, I heard music, I had a hard talk with my daughters doctor about her epilepsy. I feel a very hard need ... but I don't want to be sucked back in. I want this live I have now, because i am content. So I am writing this for myself, to resist the urge from going back in. I should be proud of myself that I didn't give in. But I feel a bit lost to be honest. I want healthy ways to deal with this. Now I just ate the urge away ... :-) 

[Source]

Be careful not to get caught up in fighting only the enemy you can perceive. The daydreaming is itself a symptom. Your true struggle is against whatever is causing it.

If you can manage to figure out what that is and be honest about answering the questions you ask yourself, you'll gain invaluable insight on the condition of your own mind. But be warned, it hurts.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Interestingly enough, I never thought I'd be a mother, because of my MD ways. My mom is strongly against my MD, doesn't think I should have kids if I can't take care of myself and I don't live in this world. In fact, she had doubts about me even working, let alone paying attention in class, due to excessive daydreaming. I do find life tough, don't have many close connections, and I'm neurodivergent. I'm aware that I can't take care of all matters by myself. 

I started MD after I found it hard to build friends and relationships in my area. I was the socially awkward kid, who stood there looking all dumb and unfriendly, and got bullied for not being able to verbally express my true intelligence and show a personality. So I started inventing fictional characters in my head inspired by books, TV shows and films. I wish that I stopped myself, before the MD spread and took over my attention span and awareness on life. I should've came forth to my parents that I daydream too often, so they can seek a professional therapist for me, but I stayed hush hush and didn't tell them anything. 

Over the years, my daydreaming got stronger into my teens and adulthood, until I was living a million miles away. It effected my decision making and performance at work and school. My family, friends and everybody found me completely deaf and zoned out. By the time I hit my 30's, I felt it was time to stop. I had to earn my independence someday, so I had to get real and serious about things. I took on jobs, but still found myself slipping into dreamland at moments. At this rate, living in my head for years gave me thought disorders and a major personality problem. I wasn't like by others any better this way. I was so uncommunicative to others, thinking my own thoughts, but never verbally explaining myself, I practically stopped existing, even to my own family. I started getting jealous of my sister, as the attention was all on her, I was the last concern. I guess because I just wasn't opening my mouth to tell my family how I felt. 

MD was supposed to make me feel secure and comfortable, but ultimately, it took my life away and it impacted everything about it. It also turned people off from getting to know me better as a person, so I wasn't experiencing any relationships. At this rate, I decided to stop MD altogether and start over. Create a new lifestyle. Move forward.