How far addiction takes you

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I jumped into MD, without analyzing what was actually wrong with me first. It started in the late 90's when I was only 12. I was so young and inexperienced, I wasn't aware of what harm it can do. I'm now informed that I may have Asperger syndrome, but back then I hadn't a clue. I had trouble reading emotions and understanding people's body language; what they meant in their attitudes. I always believed every cloud has a silver lining. I didn't take their hints and comments personally and seriously. I thought I was normal to myself, and was sure I'd have an amazing future ahead of me. I enjoyed life as a teenager, in spite of the bullying, and I believed my MD worlds were a happy place to be in. It filled me up with magic and joy, when I was feeling socially deprived. However, it came to a point I was turning 18, and my carefree life was no more. My grades weren't excellent and I got in trouble with my dad over it. I got accepted into an art college at a nearby city, and loved life, while I was learning fine art and craftsmanship. My dad felt that I wouldn't make any money out of it, so I switched to design. Regards, my daydream worlds grew stronger and out of control. I found it hard to pay attention in classes—let alone be awake in life. I still was able to get my degree, but things did not get better. I tried to find employment, in spite, the job market was a tough. To my misfortune, I didn't do very well in the workplace. I had problems with listening, staying attuned, showing work ethic and being professional—even fast. Employers stopped finding me liable and often let me go. They've even signs of my MD, and often wondered what's wrong. I stayed home for a very prolonged length of time into my adulthood, because I just couldn't afford an apartment. My parents began to question why I wasn't growing up at this extent and taking lead of my own life. Years were going by, and I seldom had any success with reaching out to people and making new friends. I was unable to drive, because of my daydreams, so I just stayed put on my home turf. Meanwhile, all my former peers were getting married, partying, traveling, having children, excelling in their careers and living in remote parts. My mom was constantly telling me that I could've had a better life if I wasn't living on another planet. I expected to meet my prospective partner (soul mate) in my twenties or early thirties, but he never materialized. I started having trouble getting my head back into gear on things I used to be fast and good at, such as reading a book. And I began to get more addicted to digital videos and games, rather than focusing on more educational matters. Instead of becoming a more grown person, making sure I was independent someday, I've become this complacent person whose been unwilling to take on mature responsibilities. Seeing that I'm turning 35 very soon, I find it so humiliating to admit this. 17 years ago, I wanted to be an artist and travel to destinations, when really, I had no idea who I was and what I was thinking about. I didn't stop to realize that is just life and nothing out there looks like your fantasies. I also expected that I'd be dating and experience some relationships, and in reality, everybody destained that I was so quiet and reserved. As much as I did earn a degree in design, it's still not enough to pursue a career, and I may have to return to college, after a full decade of just freelancing. I think the moral of the story is, life never looks like what you imagined or planned. It doesn't, and it never will. The future is in your hands, and only you can change it's course, if your willing to take those lengths. Your mind only idealizes what you want, but doesn't promise things in life will happen accordingly to your wishful thoughts. Not everybody is going to like you or agree with you. Your not always going to get that dream job. It might be 25 years before you finally find your soul mate. Everything is up to you. So I have to rebuild on top what I didn't see and understand before, with the mind power I have, even after years of living in alternative worlds. Apparently, I didn't have the strength and manpower to live my life well and daydream at the same time. It was like putting a disability on a disability. Moreover, I didn't realize how much age would disagree with my mental health. I look back at my entire life, and how people similarly reacted to me as a person. I now understand they didn't find me socially interactive and I wasn't mindfully with them—and I seemed dumb and unfriendly. So not only did they not want to be friends, they teased me a whole lot. We're tribal—so I think they found me oddly out of place in their crowd. And I wasn't their cup of tea. So I've spent quite a number of years trying to find out what crowd I really belong in. To this day, I'm still trying to sort this out.