Getting a grip on reality

[Varya]

I'm 23 years old (and it horrifies me). For as long as I can remember i had an overactive imagination. I don'tknow when exactly i started using it as a way to cope with sadness, anger or boredom. Long story short, at 18 i started actually taking responsibility for my life. It changed my view on myself and led to some realisations. Among other things i understood that i spend waay to much time in imaginary worlds. It is unproductive. It damages my life and my relationship with other people. So i stopped. It wasn't even that hard - i was so full of hope that i can finally make my life the way i wanted it to be. But i failed. And i slowly fell back into my old ways - procrastination, binge eating and good old daydreaming. Which got worse - at least in school years my fantasies were more interesting. So, moving on to now. I got my wake up call recently. I met a guy, who had an astonishing ability to see through the facade and ask the right questions. He really got through to me. He saw all the pain i was keeping inside, all of the ways i sabotage myself. And he showed it to me. So i made a decision to change things, as much as i can. After that i saw a video about maladaptive daydreaming. And i understood that if i want to make a change i can't ignore it anymore. So i decided to quit, at all costs. I'm not as naive, as i was before. I know how hard it is to change established patterns of thinking. That's why I'm here. I want to find support and learn from other people's experiences.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I feel as if MD has made my life detrimental, instead of amazing and cheerful. All people ever see is that I'm gone and I don't communicate, which is why I have no friends, and even my parents feel blocked off, because I don't share my feelings with them. Sometimes, I'm sorry that I ever started MD. It was an addiction, and nothing more. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I had plans to do a good many things in my 20's. Travel. Marry. Excel in a career. Get a house. Problem is that I was so distracted by my fantasies, that I did nothing about my life. Everybody else I knew grew up and got on with it. But I just fell behind, trying to pick myself up again. I'm in my 30's, but I don't feel like an adult. I still rely on my parents, and mom constantly thinks I'm living not on earth. She talks to me, but notices that my face wonders off and stares at other things, anything but her, so she assumes I'm not listening. It drives me nuts, because I'm trying to change. It's hard, because this is probably me for life. Other people have found me awfully weird too. I've always wanted a partner, but haven't found someone compassionate enough to have a serious relationship with me. So I stayed single. It's hard work just to earn my independence, I had a lot of jobs. It's like I totally yielded myself into MD, rather than adapting into the world properly. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When I became an adult, I thought I knew what I was doing. I wasn't so sure of myself and what I was capable of. I was excited about doing all the things I wanted to do. However, I wasn't honest with myself. I originally wanted to travel and see what's out there, and get an apartment, where I can do canvases. Last thing I ever thought about is how people were going to take me. I got picked on in school, but believed I won't go through it again. I had no real life experience when I was a teenager to prove myself wrong. I thought I'd fit in better in art college, and I believed I was normal. But for some apparent reason, things were not what I imagined or planned, and I was about to brace myself for disappointment. There is a reason we go to school and take up a real profession, to make good money someday. I didn't stop to think of the "what if's." I never knew what it would be like to travel alone. And I never realized how hard it really was out there. But of course, I was just a kid, we can be so dumb and immature. In reality, I realized my fear of travel distance without going with a companion. So during a college road trip, I actually freaked out. I didn't get along with many students at college, because they found me weird, and wherever I worked, people couldn't stop criticizing how reserved and quiet I was. They also easily caught a hold of me in a daydream state, which is something I didn't expect. In my 20's, I was positive and felt free to do whatever I wanted with my life, because high school felt like prison, so I was highly elated and thought I knew how my future will turn out. Whatsoever, my daydreams got denser and they swallowed me whole, like I was losing control. I used to believe in them, when really, they were lying to me. My alternative worlds had nothing to do with my future—and life itself. It was distracting me from having it happier and better. That is what everybody was trying to tell me, while they were waving me awake, and shouting at me. But I wasn't listening, which was the problem. As a result, I never did achieve my goals. I didn't travel. I didn't land my dream job. I never met my sweetheart. I ended up living in a rut. My family understood why. I wasn't listening and paying attention and working hard towards those goals. I was asleep...and living in the land of Jessica. 

[Varya]

Yeah, the past is in the past. All we can do now is learn from our mistakes and try new approaches.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I spoke to my dad about this. Important thing is that I learned a lot from my past. When I do look back, it's rather poignant and embarrassing. Why would I do that to myself? When I was younger, I had no experience, so I had any idea what I was thinking about. I find it hard to admit, but I lived in a ferry world. When my mom brought me up, she did too much for me. So when I was older, I was entitled, narcissistic and lazy. Regardless, I didn't get out of my room that much, and seldom socialized. I was more interested in my computer and personal interests, than hanging out in groups. Overtime, I wondered why I had so much trouble connecting to other socially and why relationships were never there. It never occurred to me that I had Asperger syndrome and it made me nearly anti-verbal. This came across as hostile to many, so I got teased and bullied for years. So I desired to attend Art college to get away from all this. I was so young and naive, and believed I'll achieve a full-time art career and run a studio, displaying my art in places. Regardless, my dad was concerned I wouldn't be successful and well off, so that's why he strongly advised I get a degree in design. I expected I'd meet my life-mate in my twenties, or 30, but the dude never turned up. I never knew why. I often blame myself for having low self esteem and being introvert. But I do have to realize the past is over, like a closed chapter. I learned from my mistakes and making way for an even better future. 

[Varya]

To me, your current situation doesn't look bad. Although, we live in different countries and I'm younger so I can't understand all aspects of it. But you seem to be a resilient person, so i believe you'll make yourself a life you want and deserve.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

When I attended Art college, I was sort of a free spirit who wanted to make art for a living. I thought my MD wasn't going to effect my future goals. My dad is an architect whose serious about money and good investment, and he had doubts I'll survive just being an artist. So he talked me into getting a degree in something very useful. I got my degree hoping that I'll get a job out there, but I didn't do very well. My feather brained ways took over and I had trouble listening, paying attention and working fast. My mom was incredibly worried about my mental health. So I couldn't just flock off in the world and not need them to support me anymore. It was crucial that I knew what the hell I was doing. I understand that my dad had doubts about the world of art. I got my degree in graphic design, and I wasn't a terrific designer and had issues with a lot of employers. If I had got a bachelors degree in fine art, and then went for a masters, I could've had better chances of a career, whether it was teaching, working in films or gallery curator. My other option was to learn a skilled trade one year after art college, but that idea slipped through the cracks. Now I seem to be this temporary contract based worker, being bumped from contract to contract, not staying long enough or earning enough to afford an apartment. To add insult to injury, I've noted a few occurrences where employers and staff caught a hold of me daydreaming, as I wasn't listening to them, made funny faces and eye movements, talked to myself and laughed at inappropriate moments. I've even been terminated by at least one business for catching me do these things. I never confessed this to my parents. Years later at maybe 30, I realized I dealt with a medical condition called maladaptive daydreaming. Fortunately, I learned to stop doing this. Often I got on Facebook, and look up my high school peers, who have fulfilling grown up lives in comparison to me. Good news is that I recently got a new job as a graphic designer at Sobey's. It's for six months, but it could extend if I excel in the contract. I also hope to take up night school, as I haven't been to school in quite a long time. 

[Varya]

Yes, i can relate. I also wanted to pursue an artistic career but made several mistakes along the way. As a result I gave up. Although daydreaming wasn't the only problem here. But it started to take a lot of energy from me. And also because of it i neglect some important aspects of life, like seeing a doctor or finding a side job. Or maybe it's not a direct cause. More like a way to not to do boring or scary things. A way to trick yourself.
And in your case, i see that you have lots of regrets about your past life choices. It's understandable, i have them as well. But i think it is important not to dwell on them, because they often lead us to further mistakes. In tge end, every choice we've ever made had reasons behind it, therefore was good in given circumstances.

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Your lucky. At 23 your changing your ways and dissolving your habit of daydreaming. Congratulations. When I was your age, I was at my peak of doing maladaptive daydreaming. I was very naive and believed my dreams were insights telling me of good things awaiting me in the future—but I was a fool. I remember working in a fast food restaurant by the lakeside harbour front, and oldie pop songs were blasting in the radio speakers, fuelling my imagination. I was young and life felt magical. I even had expectations that I'll thrive in an artistic career and start a family. Just love life as it comes. However, I was too complacent and full of myself. I was dancing in the eating lounge area, putting a cup in the bin, when a mother caught me and asked if I was Ok, because I looked like I was in another world. A couple more staff members and customers caught site of my eyes as well. My manager was a jerk to me, because I was so quiet and not very interactive around people. It's almost as though I had a wooly cloth of glittery gold pulled over my eyes, in a way. I even recall in college, a professor verbally warned me that I entered the wrong program, and it would take faith to succeed in this career—and I brushed it off as nonsense, and had high hopes I will still do well. When I worked at that burger restaurant, I was paying my way through this very program. My point is, I was so wrapped up in my MDD worlds, that I didn't stop to notice the red flags blaring all around me. When I think about it now—it's quite ghastly. 

Anyway it gets disheartening from here. After college graduation, I watched "Working Girl" and got inspired to work as a graphic design in a city studio. However, the real outcome were anything, but fruitful. I took me a year of job searching before I landed a job at a print shop nearby my house. Regardless, I was still a big daydreamer at this time, but oddly enough, I didn't expect the shop owner and supervisor will notice. Wrong. They instantly notice my inability to listen to instructions and perform very well, even think clearly. I lost the printing job in 5 weeks, and right after, I got a new job at a lanyard organization that also noticed my keyboard short-cut skills weren't there, and they let me go. Afterwards, I had all sorts of jobs that maybe lasted a year or less. My dad was convinced that I was educated and can do better, but I never told him the truth. 

I winded up living a rutty lifestyle, with no friends and relationships, and couldn't manage to move out of my parent's house. I didn't travel anywhere, because I was saving my money. All my employers were complaining in emails and phone calls that I wasn't a very good designer, my skills needed improvement, and I couldn't seem to think critically in my head. But I just went on being complacent, and kept looking for new jobs...just to hear more criticisms. Just now I realize that I'll never be a successful designer and I should've returned to college to train for another career. 

So yes, MD damages several aspects of your life. Your relationships. Your friends. Your family. Your career paths. How you perform at work and in education. It's sad when I think if I made better choices and didn't do MD, my life would've looked so much better and happier. 

[Varya]

I understand. I felt it the last time. And even now there is a sort of emptiness.