My Past

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I quit doing maladaptive daydreaming, because it gets scary as I get older. I moved into a small village town, starting at 6, looking forward to making friends. Instead, I made many bullies. I was surrounded by crowds of people who didn't understand I had this special gift, and thought I was crazy. Also dumb, because I hardly ever expressed myself verbally. I rarely had a social life, and people began to talk, but especially about how my eyes swivelled around the room and I laughed for nothing. Unfortunately, I learned that growing up with family and friends in this town wasn't meant to be. All others ever saw is that I had all these problems. 

However, I was so distracted by my fantasies, that I wasn't studying hard and my grades suffered. So I didn't attend a very good college, taking courses that didn't guarantee career success. I've had many jobs since I was 19 that didn't work out. I lived with my parents for a very prolonged timeframe into my adulthood, even into my thirties. My mom found out how excessive my daydreaming is, and believed I'll never survive in any career. I've never met a man and got a house. 

I'm determined to get a full-fledge job and move into a one-room apartment. I still plan to see other parts, but I do need a partner to assist me with this. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

OK, I quit because my life didn't work out. I had future plans and career goals. Regardless, I didn't realize that I was simply daydreaming too much, not that I was foreseeing a desired future. As an outcome, I made decisions that weren't well thought out and jumped into things, in spite of people's verbal warnings. I got sucky grades, because I wasn't paying attention in class, nor studying very hard. When I worked at jobs, people have actually caught site of me daydreaming and even made comments. I believed, if I dreamed about my prospective partner longingly enough, he'll finally show up. All I ever did was change the wiring in my brain and make myself unable to concentrate sharply. Dad knew was doing this for years, but mom knew nothing, so she was very angry. Just last summer, dad and I went to the cottage and we were sitting to dinner, when I gazed out at the bay in a reverie. He then gently told me to stay with him, and explained to me that nothing comes true out your daydreams. Life is not going to hand everything to you in a golden box with a bow on top. Just at this moment, it was as though I were brainwashed for twenty years, and then suddenly someone was giving me good psychiatry. But I also felt sorry for him, because he expected me to mentally stay on top of things and act like a mature and responsible adult who can take care herself without his help. When really, I've been a very bad girl, and he has to pitch in and tell me this at 34! Months up to the present, I took a new perspective of my reality, and realized why I fell hard on my face all these years. I wasn't paying attention! Now I have a hell of a lot of work to do. And much faith that I will still survive financially. I can even remember how badly everybody in my schools and jobs reacted to my absent minded ways and improbably hearing problems—you'd think it was armageddon. 

Problem with daydreaming is that it makes up stories in your head—and it makes you believe in what it's telling you. You feed it and it suddenly makes your ambitions feel so real. But I do recall, as I was in an MD state, that everything I wanted from life was never happening before my naked eyes. I snapped awake in 2020, and realized none of this was ever real...and everybody was right, but I was in denial, because I lived in my head. I just wanted to see things. Apparently, it's a sad fact in life that you have to work hard for anything. If you don't get it at a young age, everything will only arrive when your years older. My school peers were already married and had lives well before me. MD might have made me feel so happy and alive at 12, when really, it was a trap the whole time. It's disturbing when you think about it. Back then, I was at the brink of making my life worse. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

I had to quit altogether. MD did not help me out. It filled my head with lies. I could've had a better life for myself if I didn't start. What helped me quit is lots of self-therapy. Simply putting it, MD doesn't manifest your goals and new friends. You actually have to make it happen, by joining all sorts of programs, sports, events and courses, even parties. I did the worst thing you can do to meet someone. I spent 10 years going for so many marathon walks on the south west lakefront of my town, grabbing coffee and sandwiches at local restaurants, hoping somebody will notice me and want to talk. I even expected to bump into my soul mate this way. Whereas everybody else was joining online dating sites, partying and attending social gatherings to meet their partners. Although, I remember they used to torment me in school for being so quiet and socially awkward. Trouble is that my constant mental and behavioural patterns made my life stay rutty, which is realistic. I realize the only way to break this unwanted pattern of life is to change my habits and mental wellbeing, set realistic goals and change my career path, so I can successfully move out. Of course, I will continue to meet people who disagree with my persona and intelligence, and start jerking me around, like they think their so much smarter. Non-family can be sometimes be atrocious. Beware. I'm not afraid that MD is going to make me "imagine" too much of an ideal life and home. It's actually good for your mindset, as this helps bring your desires to a reality, if you can afford to do so. I'm not so negative as I used to be. Though, I'm afraid that I'll meet people who will never understand my satisfaction and wants, and just persist on treating me like I'm an idiot. 

[Kalliope]

By the way, congratulations on getting out of MD! That was a tough war to fight! I've been reading your other posts and it's a pleasure to see. We're proud of you that you managed to push ahead and achieve this one, quite important goal. :)

[Kalliope]

Hello Jessica, it's nice that you joined this forum.

What helped you quit? Is it your desires for new, real goals? your emotions and past experiences?

My experience was underscored by not understanding why I should need to quit, but now I've come to realize it. More and more, MD seems so hollow, like a shallow shell, and the reasons to quit became evident.

Maybe your bitter experience with MD helped you realize why you want to stop, and pursue other goals. Do you feel like you're in danger of MD'ing about how your new one-room apartment would look and feel like and what nice, simple things you'd do in there? A 'beautiful new' life?

Searching for a partner to assist... maybe a guru, a guiding light, a calm companion. I sincerely hope you find one. But this can only be an aspect of MD, like a different color of the same prism.

It was very difficult for me to understand the need of a partner, and why it should be a bad thing. First of all, asking for a partner is asking for an incredibly heavy burden to bear for someone else. True, real help is unbearably heavy, like lugging the other person bodily from where they are to where they want to be. Most other help is accidental, in my opinion.

I will borrow from a webcomic (Tower of God), of all sources, because it's put so incredibly succinct: "That is right, I'm not your god. Your god ... is an illusion made by your weakness."

Your search for a partner, in itself, might possibly be MD. Of course, if it was just a half-phrase thrown out to the world, and you don't mean what I interpret in it, it might not be (maybe you even meant a man/hubby, not sure). But on the off chance you're searching for a shoulder to lean on, understand that this is what MD probably was to you, and that you cannot afford to just replace it with another thing. Maybe you might just need to bear the negative emotions and soak in them for a bit, not seek shelter.