Wow...3 years Later

[Mira]

It's funny to read my old posts about my therapist- I don't recall him ever "encouraging" me to daydream, or ever saying it was healthy, though early on he was more concerned about WHAT I was daydreaming about, and why. I've spent a lot of time discussing with him since then the many things that made me use daydreaming as a coping mechanism.

I really like my therapist. I'm not romantically attracted to him or anything, but he and I ended up having a surprising number of things in common, and over the years I became very attached to him. I felt like he was the only one that saw the real me and understood what was important to me, I felt like he was the only person I could connect with.

But he's my therapist, not my friend. I can't seem him outside of therapy. My imagination picked up the slack over the years and invented all manner of imaginary situations with him. (None of it weird or sexual...all of it stupidly benign) These imaginings became something of a mental security blanket that I carried around with me at all times. I can't even describe how many different situations, even when I was with other people, I was having these fantasies.

(I'm disgusted with myself even describing this)

He used to let me email him whenever, but over the years it became rather apparent that he no longer had time to read the emails. I suspected for a while but didn't want to know for sure, but eventually he admitted it and I realized I couldn't email him anymore. He and I had a long talk about boundaries. At first I didn't think this would be a problem. In fact, I voluntarily decided not to send the emails anymore. But it caused me a great deal of distress. 

I really hate my job (not going to go into detail about that right now) and I've started to become depressed and lonely. I still daydream, but it isn't as helpful as it once was, even when it's not him that I'm daydreaming about. (Mostly because I realize how unrealistic it is) It's like my brain is uncomfortable with it. (Though I still seem to do it like...every 10 minutes or something)

I brought this to his attention. He said he found this development encouraging, though I'm panicky and borderline suicidal. 

This coming week I'm on vacation. (This situation seems familiar!) I need to keep myself occupied with actual things and real people, or I'm going to get bummed out. Which could be dangerous. I have a lot of anxiety, and historically the DDs have acted as a buffer, but...not so much now. 

[Roel]

Welcome back?

I feel sorry for you what happened to you and the therapist :/ I hope we can give you strength an dlove whene you need it...