WIP (co-written with Gethin)

[Alexsis Hart]

A rising football star struggles with his professional and personal life when he is given custody of his dead brother’s twins.

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I woke up to the sound of the wind bashing the garden gate against the side of the flat. F***, I didn’t shut it. That ****ing dog probably s*** back there and I’ll tread in it. I rolled over and, forgetting I had fallen asleep on the couch, flipped onto the floor. F***! Groggily, I stumbled to my room stripped down to my pants and flopped onto the bed. I was asleep before my head hit the pillow. The next time I woke up it was to the sound of The Black Eyed Peas’ I Gotta Feeling. 

I fumbled around and finally located my mobile which I had left in my kitbag from yesterday. “Whit?” I answered with a thick Glasgow accent which I revert to when grumpy or tired—in this case, both.

“Er, hello. I’m looking for a Mr. Lachlan MacDonald,” said a vaguely familiar voice on the other end.

“Aye, this is him,” again with the accent.

“This is Samuel Gates, the assistant manager of the Canaan FC first team.  I am calling on behalf of Mr. Maddok to request your attendance at this afternoon’s match.”

“What?”

“They’re calling you up, son.” 

We'll try to update as we go. Feel free to leave any comments, good, bad, "you suck at grammar", doesn't matter. I'm not a writer at all, I just want to help Gethin as best as I can.

[Jenna]

I find it nice so far!  I'm just a tad bit confused, I may just be over analyzing it.  So they are calling him in to play this afternoon at a match?

[Wish Upon A Wish]

Great read so far! I like =)

[Alexsis Hart]

just realized I posted the one Gethin hadn't proof read haha half that stupid stuff is gone. 

Thanks Elizabeth! 

[Elizabeth Moore]

Grammar corrections and general good English (some of this may be a matter of opinion, just as a disclaimer)

I stumbled to my room, stripped down..

The Black Eyed Peas' 'I Gotta Feeling'

my mobile, which (this probably is just a matter of personal preference)

I had left in my bag from yesterday

The grammar is better than many people's, don't be hard on yourself. A few stylistic things:

-'bashing'. If you can, it might be better to use a different word, but it's up to you. Bashing just seemed jarring, somehow.

-'I was asleep before my head hit the pillow'. Try to avoid cliches like this, especially if they are unrealistic (I may be wrong, but I don't thing people fall asleep like this)

-'The next time I woke up was to the sound of..' This is a bit clumsy. Maybe 'I next woke [up] to the sound of..' or some other alternative

'with a thick Glasgow accent which I revert to when grumpy or tired - in this case both' This is a bit ungainly - see if you can condense it, although I've already tried with difficulty, so you may just want to leave it for now

-'again with the accent' the reader will assume this for themselves

Lovely closing line.

Obviously, this is all just a matter of opinion, and it's very good if you don't consider yourself a writer. The comments I left here are literally fine tuning. The characterisation and the way you communicate what's going on (the guy's a footballer about to play in a match) so efficiently and effectively are also excellent. Essentially, keep going!

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

That'll be fine.  Thank you.  

[Alexsis Hart]

sorry! I starred it out. is that ok?

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Please refrain from using profanity on here.