Venting

[April West]

 

what i would really like right now is a hug. someone to tell me that im not a freak, that theres not something wrong with me, that theres something to like about myself

 

im completely ruining my life. its my birthday tomorrow. now 24 years of doing and achieving nothing, because i cant cope living in the real world, and spend all my time trying to escape in my head.

 

lately ive been intentionally hurting my mum. shes only ever tried to help. yesterday i was swearing at her and hung up on her, and found myself with this sick little smile on my face. i was enjoying it. i hate her right now because she keeps pointing out all my failures. i dont need to be reminded that all i do is sit around bludging, that i could have a degree by now, or a well paying job. i think about that every day and every day i hate myself more and more.

 

every year i tell myself that this year im going to change. this birthday will be different. and then every year i'm alone and crying. i want to have a party or go out but i only have one friend, and i know she feels sorry for me and doesnt relly like spending time with me. I hate being around my family because they also look at me with pitiful eyes, and all i think is how pathetic it is sitting at home on a saturday on my birthday.

 

that first blog i wrote, about escaping and getting away from everything is all ive ever wanted to do. nothing else has ever worked, and that probably wont either. and now that i do want to just run away i dont have any money. i dont even want to talk about that. the stupid house my parents helped my brother buy, and because they were tight on money i leant them all of my savings. now i cant get it back and i cant get a job and have shit all money left. ive been trying to get a job. everyone wants "good communication skills, positive can do attitude, customer service skills." i want a job where i dont have to talk to anyone else.

 

theres so much wrong with me. i know ive got OCD. the other day i was watching a tv program about narcissism. they pretty much described me. i have depression. im self centered and think everything should be easy and not require effort. i cry at the slightest thing. i cant interact with people.

 

i wish i could just die. ive always wished i could be like sleeping beauty. just go to sleep, but never ever wake up. all the floods and earthquakes make me feel like shit . here are people with real problems. people losing their family, homes, everything, they would be so grateful to have my life. i have so much but i dont do anyting with it. i dont appreciate anything.

 

i wish i had just a bit of self control or determination or strenght needed to change. i dont know how to change, i tell myself ive tried but i havent really

 

i dont know if ill ever love myself. somehow i need to forgive myself. i hate myself so much. sometimes i wish i had the guts to kill myself, but im too weak to even do that. i dont want to be here. i want to be a different person . just wake up tomorrow and have no memory of who i was and be a whole new person .

 

everything is going to shit and i just dont know what to do. the thing i hate most is im not even here. i can feel the pain, i know im crying and typing but it doesnt feel like im here. im always removing myself from reality, it doesnt feel real anymore. i feel like im completely mental. maybe i am sitting in a corner in a straight jacket, i just dont know it

 

im always crying. i wish i could take control of my life. not be so weak and let everything and everyone push me around. there was this guy on tv. he had no arms and no legs. litteraly he was just a torso. but he was living and is a motivational speaker. im watching it thinking, its all just in my head. its all just thoughts and beliefs, but why cant i change them. how come he can.

 

ive fucked up so much it feels like i cnat undo it. i cant start fresh. i just want to wipe everythign out and start again. i keep saying someone help me. please god help me. but i need to help myself. im waiting for some magical day where everything will be magically fixed. so that i dont actually have to make and effort or do anythign.

 

im such a baby. crying and crying oh all woe is me. i dont know how much of this i can take .do hyou know how many times i have said that. ive never even gone and picked up a knigfe. asprin, thats what ive always thaough. but i wouldnt know how many to take, i wouldnt want to wake up i n a hospital all fucked up more than i am now

 

i use dto think" i can t do that to my brother' but lately i think he wouldnt give a shit. i keep think ing everyone would be better without me. that its some self rightoues thought that they need me and would miss me. maybe they would all be happier not having to deal with all my shit. hey look theres veroniaca again, with another problem, dragging everyone down with her

 

why cant i change . everytime, i sit here having a little suicidal epsiode. the next day i say it has to stop. i get all motiveated and take one step forward. a week later im right back here, in thsi shit hole crying so much i start vomitting

 

i dont even have my dog here to hug rilgh now.  i realy wish she was here. she just licks me and nuzzles me and wags her tail. i dont want to wake up adn for it to be christmeas again,a nd then my birtghday agianl .know im rocking back and forth like a totally mental crazy person. i hating thinking like htis, beging alone withmyelf.

now im gonig to go watch tv till 2 oclock, eat more shit, stop thinking because i dont want to be sad anymore. goto bed and daydream about being happy .  wake up tomorrow and go through all this again. happy birthdya to me. all alone again

[Jane Wilson]

I am 56 and have suffered from depression most of my life.  I can recognize myself in much of your venting especially when I was your age.    First stop take a deep breathe, slowly breathe in and out.  You have more control than you think, the fact that you create elaborate fantasies means you have intelligence and creative skills. 

 

For me fantasing was a way to generate positive feelings but I know about self-hate.  In my fantasies when I live out a story line the character doing is never me but a creation that processes the virtues I do not.  I know what it is like to stand in front of a mirror and want to kill the reflection.  I have felt that rage and hatred.  What has saved me is that I am a Christian, not a very good one but it gives me a reference point to work from.  One thing in particular has been helpful for me is to stop the self-critic that constantly spews venomous thoughts against you.  In my case, I would confront the thought chain and say no, if I am not allowed to talk to anybody else like that  I am not going to talk to myself like that.  Once you realize that critic inside is the enemy and is trying to kill you, you can stop it.  Do not argue with it, no one can stand against a laundry list of their own faults.  This is not a cure for depression but it will give you relief and control which you really need.  Please let me if you want to talk.  One more thing recent research has shown that life long depression can be related to having a illness/stress within the first week of birth.  Apparently it kicks starts a virus in the brain that affects how your brain works, a much larger that normal percentage of people who had that experience suffer from life long depression. 

[Heinriech Heisner]

Huh, interesting. I swear that could have been my own blog entry when I was 24. I don't even have to pull out the similarities, because every paragraph represents how I felt then. The funny thing is, who we are and what we can do, is all limited to what we think of our reality. I wish I could be more empathic in writing this, but life has stripped me of my emotions, so I will just put it out there straight. You own this world. You can do anything you want. The world is your playground.

 

First you have to let go of others expectations of what you should be. That was the key that held me back for soooo long. I was always obsessively worried about letting others down, but it just wasn't possible and like you I would repeat the same things year after year. People's expectations are limited to their own view of their world. You are better than that. You can be anything. You will love yourself when you take control of your world. I felt the most powerful when I went against their expectations of me and it broke me free of their grasp.

 

Go out into the world and experiment. I've been doing just that. I've embarrassed myself many times because my social skills are limited, but I take it in as learning. I went in knowing that's what would happen and put that smile on my face, because I know I am better and I will be better.

 

The best way to learn is to fail. When I do something that I'm not sure of, I wait for feedback, and then I adjust myself and make myself better. I don't quit. I continue on. That is my mission. It really is all about power, and right now you are allowing others to have it. Take it back. Take elements of who you are in your daydream and apply them to your real life. It's going to be hard at first, but then it becomes easier and then it becomes second nature. Then you have accomplished one task and you move onto the next. It all starts with you though.

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

*virtual hug*  I'm 30, single, childless, with 2 cats, and you know what?  There's more to me than the ability to procreate and marry.  Society judges us so much for the silliest things.  What do those silly markers mean anyway?  Our brains work differently.  We're not normal.  You also can't be normal and be extraordinary.  You have to stop judging yourself and expecting yourself to be like other people, many of whom don't have 1/10 of the creativity and strength that you do.  It takes a lot of energy to live in 2 worlds at once.  It takes a lot of intelligence and creativity to daydream as much as we do.  How can we think so differently and then expect ourselves to be normal and achieve such petty milestones?  Who cares?  We don't expect them to think the way we do.  Our minds are extraordinary.  They're captivating.  That takes time and effort.  If we can harness this, we'll find that we're so much better than your average person who's main achievement is having done it without birth control.  Not that having children isn't great, but we need to focus on higher goals than just marrying and procreating.  Our brains are capable of more.  

Also, if you spend all your time telling yourself NOT to daydream, that's just going to make you daydream more.  Then you'll feel bad about it and daydream even more.  Instead, try to find anything at all that you truly enjoy and can actually keep your attention.  Find something super distracting, and let it engulf you.  Focus on doing other things, and your daydreaming may fade to a healthier level naturally.  If it doesn't take over your life, you can still use it as a tool.  

Hang in there.  We're here for you.  This sounds a lot like what I've been through as well.  You're not alone.  

[Nomad]

Virtual hug, April. I don't know about you, but feeling pressured to have a positive attitude magnifies my negativity, especially my negative views of myself. And of course positive thinking advocates seem oblivious to the detrimental effect they have on me. I suspect that their rosy outlook inhibits their ability to  to weigh evidence, assess cause and effect, etc. I know I can't blame them for my problems, but I have to remember that I'm not those people in order to protect myself. And its okay if I'm imperfect. I'm not sure where I got the idea that I'm supposed to be a saint instead of the flawed human I am--I take that back. I do know where I got that idea. From my friggin fantasies! Happy birthday. I hope you do something nice for yourself.