Alright. 19 year old guy, full-blown dreamer since I was about 13, earliest I can trace the habit back to is 5. Maybe I've been like this all my life, wouldn't know as my memory is worthless (seems I'm not alone in that).
I suppose it wouldn't hurt to keep a blog of my progress and thoughts. I have already started taking notes so making this for all of you see might turn out beneficial for others as well. Though, knowing my history of consistency, I don't know if I am able to keep up with it. So yeah.
My fantasies are all very narcissistic, plots are fairly simple and I almost never have actual characters that aren't there to prop up my ego. I did have more detail to them but over the years they have reduced to easily attainable chunks of feel-good. Main theme is being admired for attributes like intelligence, creativity, beauty, also reliving my life to change what I was (awkward) into what I dream I could have been (awesome). Fairly common amongst y'all, it seems, the main difference being that they are all very shallow and ego-centered (though I've seen a few of you sharing the pattern).
Daydreaming consumes, or consumed (making some progress), all of my time. Even the quickest are at least a couple of minutes long with a lot of them 30-90 minutes or so, and I've had a couple of months worth of time wasted on ones that last nearly all day.
The categorization I've used for a couple of days now, for tracking purposes, is:
1. Full-blown. The kind with a story and setting, biggest emotional satisfaction and the ones that make me feel the worst afterwards if I happen to actually spend time in reality.
2. Dreamy monologue. Talking with another person without the partner ever responding. Constant satisfaction on a low level, since I've become fighting the addiction this is the most persistent. I suppose this is the result of forum lurking (I rarely post) which I've done for 3-4 years constantly. The setting used to be Youtube as well but as I've grown tired of vlogs it has gone away.
3. Chatter. Nearly subconscious, cannot describe it as I cannot pinpoint it. All I know is that this one gives me some kind of gratification while making sane thinking unavailable. Easy to stop but usually a prelude for the other two.
My main issue outside MD is anxiety. I suppose it's AvPD but I've never went to see a psychologist for those problems (I was forced to on multiple occasions ages 13-14). Then again, while the AvPD symptoms were crippling up to a year ago, they only provide a noticeable yet manageable hindrance nowadays.
My feelings over time are fairly cyclical. First I'm dreaming and bored, after a week or so I become enthusiastic about some subject (music, study, exercise, foreign language, programming etc etc etc).
The enthusiasm lasts for 3-4 days. During this I'll introduce myself to the subject and use the snippets of information to fuel my fantasies of being a master in the activity, conquering the world with never-before-seen talent and skill.
Next is the slump. I become depressed once I encounter a problem, I do nothing to improve my skill in the activity and only dream of mastery. The intensive phase of this lasts for a day or two, sometimes I'll become enthusiastic again but eventually I become hopeless.
Near the end daydreams of suicide or some way of overcoming the cycle are common. This dark period is around 4 days and once this ends the cycle begins again.
Triggers are usually people's opinions (I often lurk political forums imagining taking a contrarian stance), American tv storylines, any sort of praise or criticism in real life, learning new things (imagining being the master in the field), remembering old classmates and being pitied or felt for by people. I used to read and watch movies a lot and they were big triggers as well but this has stopped.
I am often envious of others which leads my daydreams to becoming vengeful and hurtful, obviously due to low self-esteem.
Social life is nonexistent. I have always deemed myself unworthy and incapable of meaningful emotional contact and an often-dreamt theme is improving myself up to the point where I can make friends. Even as a child I always felt unable to socialize as others could, it's as if I was born with the longing to connect but without the instinct that would tell me how to do that. I had some friends, playmates, up to age 9 or so, then only one. And the one friend I did have I never actually communicated with, we just bonded because of, I guess, a shared feeling of desertion.
I'm sure my MD is to a large degree due to being rejected by my peers during childhood. I had a funny name, funny teeth, funny looks and, the funniest of all, poor family. When I was 8 I started to cut myself off from others, at age of 12 I had little contact and by the time I was 14 I had little else but a few attempts to reach out left. I was always very observant of others (as much as I could without showing interest or making eye-contact) but was scared to death of trying to open myself up.
This is the solitude I've lived for 5 years now. I can't have any emotionally meaningful relations, with the only possible exception being my brother. Although my fear of people is subsiding and I'm not as anxious about talking to strangers as I used to be, I can see little possibility of companionship.
Oki, getting tired now but still haven't haven't said everything I set out to say. Will continue tomorrow. Kudos to anyone bothering to wade through it all :)
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