This is my post, there are better and prettier posts than it, but I like this one because it is mine.

[Penguin]

Alright. 19 year old guy, full-blown dreamer since I was about 13, earliest I can trace the habit back to is 5. Maybe I've been like this all my life, wouldn't know as my memory is worthless (seems I'm not alone in that).

I suppose it wouldn't hurt to keep a blog of my progress and thoughts. I have already started taking notes so making this for all of you see might turn out beneficial for others as well. Though, knowing my history of consistency, I don't know if I am able to keep up with it. So yeah.

Here goes.

My fantasies are all very narcissistic, plots are fairly simple and I almost never have actual characters that aren't there to prop up my ego. I did have more detail to them but over the years they have reduced to easily attainable chunks of feel-good. Main theme is being admired for attributes like intelligence, creativity, beauty, also reliving my life to change what I was (awkward) into what I dream I could have been (awesome). Fairly common amongst y'all, it seems, the main difference being that they are all very shallow and ego-centered (though I've seen a few of you sharing the pattern).

Daydreaming consumes, or consumed (making some progress), all of my time. Even the quickest are at least a couple of minutes long with a lot of them 30-90 minutes or so, and I've had a couple of months worth of time wasted on ones that last nearly all day.

The categorization I've used for a couple of days now, for tracking purposes, is:

1. Full-blown. The kind with a story and setting, biggest emotional satisfaction and the ones that make me feel the worst afterwards if I happen to actually spend time in reality.

2. Dreamy monologue. Talking with another person without the partner ever responding. Constant satisfaction on a low level, since I've become fighting the addiction this is the most persistent. I suppose this is the result of forum lurking (I rarely post) which I've done for 3-4 years constantly. The setting used to be Youtube as well but as I've grown tired of vlogs it has gone away.

3. Chatter. Nearly subconscious, cannot describe it as I cannot pinpoint it. All I know is that this one gives me some kind of gratification while making sane thinking unavailable. Easy to stop but usually a prelude for the other two.

My main issue outside MD is anxiety. I suppose it's AvPD but I've never went to see a psychologist for those problems (I was forced to on multiple occasions ages 13-14). Then again, while the AvPD symptoms were crippling up to a year ago, they only provide a noticeable yet manageable hindrance nowadays.

My feelings over time are fairly cyclical. First I'm dreaming and bored, after a week or so I become enthusiastic about some subject (music, study, exercise, foreign language, programming etc etc etc).
The enthusiasm lasts for 3-4 days. During this I'll introduce myself to the subject and use the snippets of information to fuel my fantasies of being a master in the activity, conquering the world with never-before-seen talent and skill.
Next is the slump. I become depressed once I encounter a problem, I do nothing to improve my skill in the activity and only dream of mastery. The intensive phase of this lasts for a day or two, sometimes I'll become enthusiastic again but eventually I become hopeless.
Near the end daydreams of suicide or some way of overcoming the cycle are common. This dark period is around 4 days and once this ends the cycle begins again.

Triggers are usually people's opinions (I often lurk political forums imagining taking a contrarian stance), American tv storylines, any sort of praise or criticism in real life, learning new things (imagining being the master in the field), remembering old classmates and being pitied or felt for by people. I used to read and watch movies a lot and they were big triggers as well but this has stopped.

I am often envious of others which leads my daydreams to becoming vengeful and hurtful, obviously due to low self-esteem.

Social life is nonexistent. I have always deemed myself unworthy and incapable of meaningful emotional contact and an often-dreamt theme is improving myself up to the point where I can make friends. Even as a child I always felt unable to socialize as others could, it's as if I was born with the longing to connect but without the instinct that would tell me how to do that. I had some friends, playmates, up to age 9 or so, then only one. And the one friend I did have I never actually communicated with, we just bonded because of, I guess, a shared feeling of desertion.
I'm sure my MD is to a large degree due to being rejected by my peers during childhood. I had a funny name, funny teeth, funny looks and, the funniest of all, poor family. When I was 8 I started to cut myself off from others, at age of 12 I had little contact and by the time I was 14 I had little else but a few attempts to reach out left. I was always very observant of others (as much as I could without showing interest or making eye-contact) but was scared to death of trying to open myself up.
This is the solitude I've lived for 5 years now. I can't have any emotionally meaningful relations, with the only possible exception being my brother. Although my fear of people is subsiding and I'm not as anxious about talking to strangers as I used to be, I can see little possibility of companionship.

Oki, getting tired now but still haven't haven't said everything I set out to say. Will continue tomorrow. Kudos to anyone bothering to wade through it all :)

[The1andonlyAbber]

I love the title of this post.

[Nomad]

I appreciate your navel-gazing because you're a mirror for me. Thanks for describing patterns and experiences that, after reading your posts, I now recognize in myself. Congrats on cutting back. If it works, don't fix it, even if it's distasteful :)

[Penguin]

Alright. I didn't bother to write anything as this navel-gazing seems so... distasteful.

But, anyways, I'm no longer daydreaming! Mostly so, at least.

A week after my last post I managed to step on a nail. Up to that point life was usual, then I was in constant pain for four days. Instead of using my time constructively I simply spent it watching The Wire for the second time, back-to-back. Those four wasted days turned out to be very useful--I got a rest from my problems and once I was able to walk again i stopped feeling the compulsion to daydream.

I still fantasize about 5 hours out of a day but it is on a sharp decline, and I guess I can say that i'm no longer a daydreamer :)

So, that's all.

[Penguin]

On FML I'm a Lazy Asshole.

A week since I last posted, even though I was supposed to write consistently.

Oki, recap. Wednesday-Friday were pretty good. Saturday and Sunday was deep into daydreaming as I found a new thing online: Multi-Layered Marketing, a pyramid scheme where people think they're gonna make lots of money with little or no work. Two days totally engrossed in fantasy -_- At least I worked out a decent amount, so that's good.

The last two days were okay, figured some stuff out (ie progress) and have managed to keep my mind on trak. Not really anything to say, yet.

Will see how things go.

[Penguin]

On Stuff.

Oki, I guess. Decided to forgo school today in order to study and keep my mind on the pie instead.

The only concept of 'clear thinking' I have is, instead of always daydreaming, having a constant monologue. When I had my lovely two hours of not DDing a month ago (still, by far, the record) I did not feel the compulsion to daydream and was fully conscious. If I remember correctly, I was a bit ill--or maybe just tired, I'm rarely actually ill--and that probably influenced the unforced absence of daydreams.

In a way this idea of a monologue goes back to when I was about 14. Even then I understood that the way I daydream was not a good thing. As I was certain of being the greatest genius to have ever walked the penguinscape, I wanted to get rid of the daydreams in favor of a sort of point-and-think thought-pattern. In order to proceed with my plans of world domination (and getting girls to like me), I wanted utilize my time to only think in terms of what I perceive in my surroundings--having a word-barrage where I would describe stuff around me--I read Wittgenstein's Tractatus around that time, while I failed to understand most of it, I was still heavily influenced by the first 3(?) propositions, and I guess I should reread it to gain insight into why I did what I did (what an ugly nesting of sentences I manage to construct). I thought this thinking would lead me to acquire control over my consciousness and I would thus manage to start kicking academic butt. Of course nothing came of it. I quickly found out how incredibly tiresome ignoring DDs for even a couple of minutes would be, and I lost the drive soon enough. After that brief few-week period I abandoned the cause and didn't address DDing with any notable amount of intensity for five years.

While I am not aiming for the old monologue there are still similarities between the two. And what I've realized lately is that the thought-pattern has the flaw of ignoring other senses. Like, y'know, if I were to describe the daydreams I would note sounds, images, even a sort of a sense of touch. There are emotional responses; moods that change as the plot advances. I can even see some higher level cognition going on--higher level as opposed to simple feel-good thoughts--, that is, for example, processing some concept from physics through daydreams or going through an idea from political philosophy.

***Side note: I just googled 'monologue' to find a synonym for it, I want to have a term to refer to this understanding of clear thought that I have. As Monologue might clash with what I've set up in the OP, I found that Soliloquy is more apt as I am not addressing an imaginary DD character. I did not even know that monologue denotes talking to someone else whereas soliloquy is about talking to oneself and, as such, it seems to fit my purposes well. However, to be silly, I won't use the word 'Soliloquy' and will instead opt for 'Penguinoquy'.

Sure, Penguinoquy has the benefit of being clearly distinguishable from daydreaming but it is at a disadvantage as a competing pattern of thought because it lacks the thrust of fantasy. Penguinoquy is arid and monotonous, it is boring. That is not to say boredom is a bad thing, on the contrary, I see it being a very good thing, but when I disallow myself even the most rote of daydreams I become tired.

I have failed to succeed much in the struggle against MD--using the simplest metric where I compare the time spent daydreaming with the time not doing so. And as that is the case, I am thinking that perhaps I should use a wider array of 'moves' my mind is capable of, ie images, sounds, sparking moods, perhaps using rhythm--that sort of stuff.

Oki now, tired of this shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Will continue later.

[Penguin]

On Being the Most Intelligent Dumbass Out There.

Thanks, Cordellia. Out of all the matrons for a site for silly crazies, I can't imagine there being a better one than you :)

Oki then.

As I've mentioned before, my intelligence is an important theme in my daydreams. This stems from me being praised for nothing else but my smarts in my childhood. I was an ugly, unlikeable kid. Poor, socially awkward and incompetent. So, having one good attribute meant that I latched onto it. As the DDs are usually gross exaggerations of reality, and as there was only one part of reality that I liked, my self-image turned into being an undiscovered genius.

Now, I know I am not actually smart. I've always noticed that I can perform intellectual tasks, despite constantly daydreaming, marginally better than most others I've come into contact with, but in the end I'm still at the peak of the bell curve. That is, at the peak both when I consider myself honestly (which is difficult as the truth ain't pretty) and when I remind myself that the one time I did take a professionally administered IQ test (school) I scored, if I remember correctly, 112 smarties. And even if I were intelligent I would still be a failure as I don't think I've ever managed to actually complete any tasks that require mental work (ie coursework, language study, some project of my own).

Now as I'm trying to overcome MD I must, above all, confront this deeply rooted delusion of intelligence. I don't know how I would do that, so this is just my mind wandering and taking notes of what little I understand, but I have still decided to set myself an unattainable goal to test my smarts.

As I am in my final year of gymnasium (night school 2 days a week) I have exams coming up. In order to graduate I need to complete 5 exams. Though the minimum required result is very low (20%, I think), to get into uni you need the combined score of specialization-relevant exams to be at at least 60% (some fields are a lot higher) and another 10% (or higher, but I would never go into those fields--medicine, law--anyway) to get a state-subsidized tuition. A high school diploma on its own might come in handy--even though I'm probably gonna be working construction for the rest of my life--and to get it shouldn't be much of a problem. But to attain a sense of accomplishment, or even avenues for future study, I have set myself the goal of getting at least 70% on 4 exams with the tests being the maturity essay (required for all), maths, physics and English; the fifth one will be something easy just to pass.

English isn't much of a problem, I just need systematic knowledge of the syntax and work on some of the grammar that gives me trouble. The essay is unknown territory for me and I won't concentrate on it for another couple of months. Now, physics and maths will be the hardest. Mathematics covers basic trig, algebra, calculus, vectors, probability, statistics, some geometry and stereometrics (that I know of). The material for it is about 1000 pages. Physics is classical mechanics, thermodynamics, electromagnetism, nuclear physics, optics, astronomy and relativity (again, that I know of). The material for it is around 500 pages theory and I should probably do at least 200 pages of problems.

On its own, and given my intellectual capacity, the material isn't exactly impossible to learn before spring. However, given my inability to concentrate due to fantasies, I can hope to only superficially cover it in time. I think I'm capable of passing with little preparation, but this does not interest me.

What does interest me, however, is having this final test of smarts. To learn the stuff I need I must study around at least 6 hours a day (tight, but I have the time on aggregate), I will have to study intelligently--not just sit down to clock the hours; I must find the energy to do it daily even when I spend 10 hours doing heavy physical work in the cold and I will have to use my imagination to really understand the material--the same imagination that is constantly employed by stupid daydreams.

I will be starting this with very little prior knowledge. When I attended 'real' school I never studied and I dropped out with two years left to go, mostly due to social anxiety and depression. For twelve moons I mucked around mostly daydreaming and I enrolled in night-school a year ago. I barely finished last grade without learning anything relevant. Over the summer I did study electromagnetism (still have a bit to learn) and most of the tenth grade material in maths (vectors, algebra, half-way through the trig). This does not come to a lot. I do know a little bit but I have no good methods of study, so I might as well consider this as starting from scratch.

I know I will fail to get the 70% min result and I hope I will succeed.
This knowledge establishes the time-frame. I have about 8 months to work my hardest, after that time I will have failed to accomplish what I have set out to do. Right now my life has a purpose, after graduation I will be nothing other than a grunt incapable of committing to anything, destined to wander aimlessly for the next fifty years.
This hope gives me the drive to work on something, to anchor my mind in mundane reality. This hope, I think, will be the key to fighting the compulsion of daydreaming.

Oki now. My train of thought crashed. Will resume whenever (tonight, if I manage to be a good boy).

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

I'm sorry you're going through this. That's what this place is for. Let it all out & let us know if there's anything we can do to help. We're here for you.

[Penguin]

On Where I'm at.

Oki then, long time no write-silly-self-absorbed-bullshit.

The last two weeks have been fairly bad. School is going okay, as is work. And I've even managed to keep up with at least of a semblance of a routine of getting shit done. However, after the initial period of keeping my mind on dealing with daydreams, the little fuckers have rallied the forces and my head has become a victim of vicious rape and pillage by them.

I haven't written this thing here as my mind is foggy, that is the daydreams are so intense I only have maybe 10-15 minutes of clarity during any given day. I haven't gathered my thoughts enough to write anything that makes sense, all I know is that not writing stuff for two weeks has been detrimental. I need to write things down daily, otherwise I lose aim and my memory. So, until I can regain my composure, I intend to not make any plans, simply to ramble on as often as I can on this blog. Really scattered mind.

Penguin Cave has become redundant, as has the laid-out routine. My initial understanding of the cycle was mistaken, or at least it does not apply to my current situation. Not that I don't have cyclical changes of mania-depression (not to the extent of a bipolar, or some shit like that), or enthusiasm-melancholy, or clarity-confusion, but my comprehension of it is weak and as such it needs note-taking not projecting it into the future.

Not even attempting to make make myself coherent for the penguinologist, just gotta write stuff for myself. The idea is that if I spend my leisure time, when I'm most susceptible to intense and cascading DDs, writing stuff down I should be able to concentrate my thoughts on the war as well as have a constant aim of where I'm going as I intend to reread everything here as much as I can (before becoming sick with the poor expression). Yeah, I could write it in a text file and keep this place free but damnit, I need a medium where I have to force myself to be at least semi-understandable.

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Fighting? What fighting?

Good luck in the hole. I'm always slipping in & out. If I can get engaged in my environment then it'll be a little less. I'm hoping I can get reengaged a bit more. Good luck. We're here to support you.

[Penguin]

On 'Woohoo! Regression!'

Yeah. Sucks.

Not feeling very much in the mood for fighting, just need to acknowledge I've slipped back into the hole. Finally had a day off from work--and managed to spend 10 straight hours daydreaming--will be free tomorrow as well. If I manage to keep myself on the wagon for tomorrow morning I should be able to get some reflection done.