I am a mess. I am stuck in a vicious cycle. I cannot live, I cannot cope, I cannot talk to anyone, I cannot get help.

I stop mding for a couple of weeks but in the real world I am completely depressed, I can't imagine anything that could ever make me smile. I can't remember the last time I smiled a smile that wasn't fake. I can't remember how happiness feels. I can only remember a few months of my life when I was happy, years ago. I convinced myself that md was the reason that people dont like me, that nobody will ever ever love or even care about me, I am everybody's joke, and even worse behind closed doors I am self pitying, I hate self pitying people, but who else is going to pity me? I have missed out on a lifetime of learning to socialise, I am clueless, I am aware more than ever of how irritating and stupid everyone thinks/says/knows that i am. 

I go back to md-ing. and i cant stop, i cant do anything, i md about 9 hours a day, i dont go to uni because all i want to do is stay home and md, my social anxiety is worse than ever,, i cant even make any eye contact with anyone. I get tears in my eyes when someone speaks to me, even friends i have known for years, i avoid looking at them and ramble on complaining about shit that i dont even care about just to distract from my awkwardness. I speak so fast most people cant understand what i say. I have suddenly developed horrific acne at 21 years old. I feel so dirty, everyone thinks i am dirty, it makes it even harder to leave the house and speak to people. my hair is falling out, my long thick hair that i used to love so much. I am going to fail uni but if i leave my mum will never forgive me and i will have to go live at home, which is even more depressing. I cant listen in lectures, I cant attend my art lessons because my social anxiety is too bad. All my friends at uni are horrible people, all we have in common is that we take drugs. They make me feel so much worse about myself, constantly making fun of me for never having a boyfriend, for wearing so much makeup. for being weird, for being stupid. i could never talk to them about my problems.

I went to the doctor and she said i could see a psychiatrist, but they still havent been in touch..and that was weeks ago, I am desperate. I cant go on. I wish i had a reason to live, i wish i had a reason to smile. I wish things would change 

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Comment by Marla Singer on January 11, 2013 at 6:39am

Thank you for all of your kind responses  I wasn't expecting any when I posted this, I don't really know what I was expecting. 

I wish I could cut ties and make more friends but I find it impossible to make friends, I feel so awkward talking to other people, I never know what to say, I just don't understand other people. I don't take drugs often, just every few months at parties, it's the only thing that keeps me going; the ability to socialise, care what other people have to say, feeling confident and having no urge to daydream when i'm on drugs has given me drive to stop mding. 

My Dad has now spoken to my uni and hopefully I should be seeing the uni counsellor within the next couple of weeks

Thankyou all for being so supportive

Comment by KwanKwan on January 6, 2013 at 9:56am

i agree with Laine. Sto phanging out with those people. And try finding majors that interest you and make you WANT to go to school. If thats school doesnt have it, switch schools.

Comment by taffle on January 6, 2013 at 7:54am
Those friends who make fun of you are not your friends at all. You should cut ties with them and find better friends. I feel the same way too. I don't feel happy around other people (even with friends), but I feel happy when I'm by myself doing my own things, or sometimes with my parents but that's it. I am socially awkward but try to hide it in public. I take classes online. I can't afford medical care so I go to social anxiety forums that help me.
Comment by greyartist on January 6, 2013 at 6:18am

contact the doctor again, they will put you off for months if you let them. Or call a help line, sometimes a referral from them will get you in to a Psyc faster. But really try to stop doing drugs. They affect the way your brain makes the chemicals that fight depression and md. So even if they give you a short time good feeling each use is making the next depression worse. And they may have something to do with your hair falling out and the acne as well. 

Comment by Amoka on January 6, 2013 at 4:30am

I'm sorry you feel this way. Go back to your doctor and talk to someone. No one should have to feel the way you do. 21 years isn't a life time, you can still do so much. My advice to you is to stop md-ing so much, and to maybe read or draw instead. At least then you can talk to people about the books you read or the things you draw. Or maybe get a low-maintenance pet, like a cat. Animals are the most forgiving and loving creatures, and they can make you feel so much better about yourself. 

I hope things get better for you, and remember that you can talk to any of us on this site.

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