Recently I have been in a very bad place. I have become obsessed with trying to stop daydreaming, all i desire is to daydream yet at the same time i desperately wish to stop. I am at war with myself. 

At this moment in time I am in my student house, where I live with my 'friends'. Locked in my bedroom, in the dark, crying. I have been crying all day. I havent eaten a thing all day and I am starving, I feel sick, I have a terrible headache possibly caused by the  small amount of mdma I stupidly took last night. I have a hangover. I have an essay due in at uni tomorrow and I have yet to start it. I can't. I can't concentrate. I can't focus to read. I am a mess. I am not going to write my essay. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I have not md'd fora few days now, waking up every morning to reality is unbearable. 

Yesterday, me and my dad went to see a counsellor at uni. It was awful and upsetting talking about MD. I used to think that if i never told anyone about my md it was as good as not real. I have now told my dad and my best friend. It was hard to talk about my md to the counsellor, I felt so embarrassed and ashamed. Each time i tell someone it becomes more real. Now that I have told these people there is no going back, I'm glad, but for now I am so depressed. Telling people has made me realise how big of a deal md is. The reactions i have had surprised and made me happy, shocked to see that they cared, happy to see how concerned they were. 

The counsellor told me that a big part of getting better is telling friends and family, which i can understand, i think about how they would treat me differently, i used to be afraid to tell anyone about my md because they would think i was crazy and treat me different, but i think about how much better i feel around the few people i have told. I feel less alone, i dont have to constantly put on an act, lie about everything in attempt to make them think i am normal, i dont have to pretend to be happy. I need to tell my friends. but i dont know how..and im scared, as soon as i tell them, it's real.

Tomorrow I am having a 45 minutes pre arranged phonecall with a psychiatrist. And then another meeting with a counsellor in the afternoon. Followed by my first official counselling session on thursday.  Since seeing the counsellor everything feels worse, I feel weak and scared, I cry day and night. I know that the next few months are going to be hard, I am going to have to leave behind my md world, something that has been my whole world for as long as i can remember is going to be taken away, im scared about who i will be in the real world. I know I am going to fail this year of uni. 

MD is becoming a part of my real life, my real life has become about ridding myself of md. There is no going back

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Comment by Pascale on January 16, 2013 at 1:55am

Working with yourself is hard work. Your reaction is completely normal. Be proud of what you did mot ashame of how you react to it. Beeing depress when you live alone is tough. You have to find your survival strategy. I have been there. I never try drug but not eating gives headache and make you feel sick, not driking is even worse, another problem is eating to much sukker. There have been a time I needed to find food that does not need any preparation, I mean warming may be to much. My survival list was fruits, muesli without added sukker, milk, juice, bred, cheese and ham. You can live for days on such a diet and it is almost healthy, go to a shop on you way back to your counsellor.

There is no way back but there is light on the other side of the tunel. If you cannot see it you have to belive and keep going. It will not get worse it will get better. I know it I have been there.

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