The illusion of me.

[Lily of the valley]

Hi everyone. I promised to myself that I'll post my honest feelings, so now I've decided to write an update. I've dreamt again.

Life has been rough recently so one day I couldn't resist the urges. At first it felt like heaven. But now as I continued daydreaming it started to get worse. Now life feels unbearable again. I know that I am strong enough to start again. Even if fall again, I'll pick myself up, over and over again. As many times as needed, over and over again. The whole experience with maladaptive daydreaming feels like going circles. Almost like the ouroboros. 

I had thought about it a lot recently and realized that the whole aspect of daydreaming is much more complex than I thought. I used to think that I'm lazy and undisciplined, but now I see why exactly it's a coping mechanism. Since I was little I always suppressed my emotions, don't even know why. I was always an obedient child and a loyal friend. Recently I discovered that I cannot cry. I physically cannot let myself cry, only in daydreams allowing myself to fully express my emotions. When my grandma died, I was heartbroken. Trapped in a house in a different country due to corona virus, I couldn't mourn properly. I couldn't cry by myself, only in my fantasies about an unreal person and being a different person. I couldn't attend her funeral, and when I could return to my home country, I met my restless mother, who blamed herself for the death of my grandma. She became depressed and I had to suppress my misery once again, as I had to stay strong for her. She was suicidal.

Now, as three years passed, I think that nothing got better. My whole family is depressed, including me. I don't even know what I supposed to do, as I am unable to help. After realizing this it became harder to blame myself for daydreaming, as it really saved me from suicide. That is the most tricky thing about daydreaming, it helps initially, but then hurts you even more.

I've realized that I usually dream about traumatizing events and losing my loved ones, going to the extreme and making myself choke with tears. Because it makes the reality more bearable. Even though I know that I'll never escape my personal hell. 

I'm sorry if this post is just trauma dumping to you. I'm going to post this only because I know that no one from my family and friends will ever find and read it. That is why I'm writing in English. Only you, my dear strangers, can understand what it's like to be a daydreamer. I was in therapy but it never helped, as all therapists thought that i'm whether pretending or insane. So now I'm trying to figure things out on my own. 

If this posts feels too depressing, I sincerely apologize. I know that you all are much stronger than me, and thus I'll do everything to go back normal. I'm going to hyper fixate with studying, as previously it helped.

God bless you all.

[Mina]

hi 

i can relate a lot  i am fighting my MD for 7 years i have some sort of trauma too beside a lot of mental issues it's difficult problem but it's solvable it's just need time and patient

if i could suggest something from my experience

• try to search deep down why you afraid  you're MD is a result of deep emotions take your time to find them
• may be while walk in nature if that accessible or in a park or on the sea
• if you could try another doctor therapy quality vary a lot from doctor to doctor .... a good doctor could help you in this journey
• if you could read books about the trauma types and gain knowledge about may that help you to identify it if not at least you would have a different perspective

wish you the best