The fear of abandonment and how it's affecting me as an MDer

[Kiruba Victor]

Lately, I've been having daydreams where people I'm close to, abandon me and I'm left all alone.

The dreams involve.

1. The girl I like, who stops talking to me and goes back to her ex and eventually blocks me, for no reason.

2. My closest friends feeling like I'm a burden to them and leaving me.

3. My parents disowning me because I brought shame to the family, due to my slow pace in life and mental health issues.

And then eventually, I become this person who doesn't share anything at all to anyone, and keeps everything to himself, whilst helping other people sort out their own problems, to make them feel like they haven't been abandoned, since I don't want others to suffer the same pain I did (This is all in the dream, but the part where I make others feel good, is one of my real life traits as well.)

So I keep having these dreams and it makes me feel really bad about myself. Like, I feel sometimes there's something wrong with me, which I need to change or perhaps, what I consider as who I am isn't the most attractive thing out there.

All my life, I've never had relationships, and I've been too scared to ask anybody out, due to the awkwardness that follows after a rejection, and also a general doubt as to whether I can make it into a serious one later on. And I also struggle to maintain friendships as well, because sometimes people feel like they have to spoon-feed things to me and that I'm burdening them. So it makes me feel really depressed and I can't do basic things because I feel drained all the time.

If anyone ever feels like that, please do reach out so we can share our experiences and perhaps, feel less alone to some extent. 

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading me vent out. This is something that's been going on for the past couple of weeks now and it's so painful.

[Valeria Franco]

Dear @Kiruba, how is it going? Sometimes our minds like to indulge in bittersweet emotions, I'm not sure why, but I also had negative daydreams in the past. I think it is a way of controlling them, maybe we feel safer to know how it would feel like to live a certain situation.
If you never had relationships, therapy may help you to build the proper tools to face them. They may not be as scary as they are in your fantasy... :-)

[Kiruba Victor]

Ah, as someone who had his name teased for the longest time, I understand how that feels like. Nice to meet you Surya. Can we share our experiences in MDing perhaps? How long have you been daydreaming and what started if for you?

[Kiruba Victor]

Yeah, my best friend isn't talking to me now, but talking and having fun with others, and the girl I'm talking to, started showing less interest to talk to me, never initiates conversations much anymore, and I'm afraid she might ghost me anytime (since we've met online.). So it's these things which gave me that fear and hence the daydreams. And like I said before, I've not had relationships and sometimes I struggle to maintain friendships too. 

Thanks for the kind words, Larkspur (I'm curious to what your name is though, so you can perhaps tell me that). 

[Larkspur]

Hey I can understand what u r going through. Maybe u r feeling this way because of a traumatic experience u had as a child or could be a self-esteem problem too. Talk to a therapist. I'm very well aware of the stigma around mental health in India, but if you could get a chance pls try therapy. It will definitely help although it might take more than 1 session. Whenever u feel sad or lonely, write those thoughts down(it really helps, trust me). Please don't loose hope. And don't worry, no one will abandon u. If anyone abandons u for who u r, then they definitely don't deserve u. There's so much love in this world for u. Don't forget that.