Talking about it

[Cain]

This is me, talking about my experience. Without any pessimism towards the situation. Without any optimism about the future, or any other feelings involved in general. Just plainly describing my day to day experience. 

I woke up today feelin the say way I felt yesterday, which was the same way I felt the day before, which is the same I felt a week, month, year, decade, prior to today. I wake up feeling nothing; and in a few moments, my mind starts finding something to be distracted about. 

It feels like being distracted is second nature - it happens without any conscious thought. I don't think I ever caught myself starting to wanter off into a daydream (or a train of thought). Along with being distracted, I spent my entire day trying to be "productive" and while I feel overworked (14 hour shift), I don't think I got a lot done today. I do realize that trying to be productive and fill my your entire day is another way of being distracted. 

There are moments where I am not distracted - and they feel uncomfortable. If I am not engaged in a day dream or a thought, it feels like there's no 'me'. Like I don't exist. Like I'm just an empty shell. While there is no extreme discomfort, I find myself avoiding this feeling for long periods. 

I notice moments of myself passing through the day on auto-pilot. Waking up at the exact moment - the exact same way. Doing the exact same things before work, thinking the exact same thoughts throughout the day - I think it's all a script that I unknowingly follow. 

I often think how tragic it is that I don't even feel bad about myself and my situation. About how I am still where I was a decade ago. And then I realize, it's just a thought. I don't literally feel bad or sad. 

Sometimes, I want to stop. Stop working, stop acting like everyhing's ok. And just sit and do nothing. 

I will continue trying to stay with this 'empty' feeling for longer periods. I we'll see where this goes.