Where wild minds come to rest
EDIT: I looked it up, and I have an anxiety disorder. MD was covering it up, like a camouflage, while also comforting me. I won't erase this post, but it looks like the problem isn't MD anymore at all. I have another problem that tempts me to seek comfort in DD again. But I can now control MD, and I will face my anxiety problem face-on...just like I did with MD itself! It is the one important thing that my daydreams taught me how to do :)
I will probably write only another blog post, only to say I got over the whole thing. Wish me luck!!! :D
INITIAL BLOG POST
Hi again! Hope you are all doing well. I am not-well, not that much. The pressure is really getting on me. My exams are approaching, I have no one to love, I have huge economical problems... I can't handle reality as an equal with the rest of the people. I CAN control my DDs whenever I want now, but I keep spending hours online, to DD I'm not lonely and equal to everyone.
The most disturbing thing is, that there are moments I return to my "old self"-the 14 yr old one, when I were so messed up I couldn't trust my own self. When this happens, I mostly lose control of what I say and do, and say stuff that is easy to misunderstand. It's a Jekyl/Hyde situation, sort of. And it scares me so much to think I don't always have control of my expression.
For example, I were in an audition for a movie yesterday. My mother's best friend was among the 4 people listening. She most probably thinks I'm a lesbian now...I hope the misunderstanding won't go out in the theatrical team or my family. I'm reeeeeealy bad in romance (only had one boyfriend in my 25 yrs), and I used to be a real tomboy (I still play with knives), so it would be easy to believe. After the audition I were like, "oh God my life is ruined" and couldn't study.
This is an example of how I'm drawn back to MD. I am, by nature, a person that overthinks everything, and this makes it easy to doze off. Also, I haven't found what triggers my "teen self" so that I can escape this state of the past. It is really disturbing, although it won't happen often, and I can't go on like this.
On a positive note, I realized that filling my personal space with triggers is not helpful. So I cleared it from some of them, and now it's easier to handle MD :)