Staying out of Wonderland (do I really want to?)

[Gina Black]

EDIT: I looked it up, and I have an anxiety disorder. MD was covering it up, like a camouflage, while also comforting me. I won't erase this post, but it looks like the problem isn't MD anymore at all. I have another problem that tempts me to seek comfort in DD again. But I can now control MD, and I will face my anxiety problem face-on...just like I did with MD itself! It is the one important thing that my daydreams taught me how to do :)

I will probably write only another blog post, only to say I got over the whole thing. Wish me luck!!! :D

----*

----*

----*

INITIAL BLOG POST

Hi again! Hope you are all doing well. I am not-well, not that much. The pressure is really getting on me. My exams are approaching, I have no one to love, I have huge economical problems... I can't handle reality as an equal with the rest of the people. I CAN control my DDs whenever I want now, but I keep spending hours online, to DD I'm not lonely and equal to everyone. 

The most disturbing thing is, that there are moments I return to my "old self"-the 14 yr old one, when I were so messed up I couldn't trust my own self. When this happens, I mostly lose control of what I say and do, and say stuff that is easy to misunderstand. It's a Jekyl/Hyde situation, sort of. And it scares me so much to think I don't always have control of my expression.

For example, I were in an audition for a movie yesterday. My mother's best friend was among the 4 people listening. She most probably thinks I'm a lesbian now...I hope the misunderstanding won't go out in the theatrical team or my family. I'm reeeeeealy bad in romance (only had one boyfriend in my 25 yrs), and I used to be a real tomboy (I still play with knives), so it would be easy to believe. After the audition I were like, "oh God my life is ruined" and couldn't study.

This is an example of how I'm drawn back to MD. I am, by nature, a person that overthinks everything, and this makes it easy to doze off. Also, I haven't found what triggers my "teen self" so that I can escape this state of the past. It is really disturbing, although it won't happen often, and I can't go on like this.

On a positive note, I realized that filling my personal space with triggers is not helpful. So I cleared it from some of them, and now it's easier to handle MD :)

[Gina Black]

I have alreay started, and I've gotten results :)

I haven't stopped DDing completely, as I wouldn't consider it healthy. But when I do DD, it is usually something I can use in real life. It keeps getting better, especially after learning anxiety control! It looks like it truly was the last problem I had to overcome :D :D :D

[samurai]

So, when you are going to start ?

[Gina Black]

It sounds like a good idea :) Sleeping early and waking up early is supportive against depression, too.

I'll only enjoy the freshness of the morning, though...Where I live the air is highy polluted. As for the view, some guy built a huge building right in front of our appartment. All we can see now is a white wall :(

Your teacher sounds like a great one, you are lucky :)

[samurai]

He he.. Yes, many times what we need to take breath and that's why my teacher told me how to take proper breath. It works best when early in the morning we warm up, and inhale cold, pure air (min polluted). And that's why I love waking up early in the morning, watching blue sky with many shades of colors, and flying birds.

Try it once. You will love that! :)

[Gina Black]

Thanks for your reply, Samidha! Great to know you made it out, too :)

I think I found what I have to do to stop being ruled by anxiety.

I went to my psychologist-a wonderful woman-and she pointed out I'm out of breath when I'm anxious. This messes up my thoughts, as the brain doesn't get enough oxygen and doesn't have the time to think either.

When I take my time to breath slowly and take my time to speak, then I am able to express properly, and be myself. It isn't always as easy as it sounds, but at least I now realize which moments I'm about to mess up, and try to regain control before anything else. 

I have already started to feel less threatened by reality, as now I can protect my personality in public, and I'm less anxious. So I don't have the urge to shut myself in a DD again.

It's so funny when you think of it...all I needed was some more air! It feels like freedom :)

[samurai]

  Well, Gina try to face pressure instead of running away.  Make yourself used to work lot  with anything you like most or use your DD as your creativity. e.g  writing story/poem or get outside your room; have small talk with friends instead of going deeper into your world.

  I was also fond of DD few years back; but now I DD when I have nothing to do.