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Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest

So tired of this fake person, fake life, fake feelings! and that's my real life.

Got an email from a coworker, "I made brownies, come get one". So I politely go to her desk, put on my fake smile, offer my fake nice person pleasant chatter, offer my thank yous and compliments. Walk back to my desk screaming inside. I wish I could be that nice person, that happy person that everyone likes to be around. But I'm not. I don't even want to be here. To be around anyone. I would much prefer to be alone on a secluded mountain somewhere gathering wild berries to survive then to have to smile at one more person I pass in the hall.

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Comment by Zoe on October 11, 2012 at 1:55pm: The people I'm surrounded by are perfectly alright. I just find it hard to fit in, I feel so awkward like an outsider. When I am with my "friends" at school I still feel alone. I tried taking the "if you fake it maybe it will become real" approach but no matter how much effort I would still rather be alone than have their company. Even though everything is okay I am still so miserable. I guess you just have to find the right people to be around? I'm not sure, but I get where you're coming from.

Comment by Gina Black on October 9, 2012 at 9:40am: To be frank, most people tend to be unpleasant to each other, unless they have some common goal. Social relationships are a complex, headache-inducing thing, and many people would like to go live on a hill. But there are a lot of good outcomes from living with others-even if you enjoy loneliness.

I think putting up a fake smile every once in a while says people you care about what they think of you. It's a way to show you count them in. I'm an always-smiling person, and I find that smiles aren't always about happiness. It's more about being polite and communicative. There are several types too. For example, a prolonged tired smile will help you excuse yourself easier (as long as you have it before the conversation begins!) You don't need to fake it every time, there are sad smiles, troubled smiles, polite smiles, e.t.c. Except if hiding your vulnerabilities is a survival tactic for you. Depends on the social surrounding, I guess.

Also, there are many ways to shorten a conversation. No need to act like the office's superstar (unless it's a part of the job)

Comment by Alta Morden on October 9, 2012 at 9:29am: "I am trying so hard to function while MD is controlling most of my brain, social inaction is very tiring."

sigh, I so completely get that. :(

Comment by greyartist on October 9, 2012 at 8:36am: Alta, the fake person is me. All the people I work are truly nice people. That's why I feel so out of place I guess. It's not that I'm angry, I'm not. I just don't fit in. I don't have a real smile because I'm not happy. Not sure how to be. But your right, niceness is needed to function. So I fake it, well I fake the social interaction, I mean I don't think I'm not a nice person. It's just that no one has ever actually gotten to know the real me. I can never be "myself" or let my guard down. I am trying so hard to function while MD is controlling most of my brain, social inaction is very tiring.

lol, you're right about the berries, and since chocolate brownies don't grow on trees, I'll just grin and bare it.

Comment by Shion on October 9, 2012 at 8:24am: Sometimes I feel fake when I interact with my cousins as I fake a smile too. But it's better then some random drama. Like when the one time I didn't smile while picking up my cousin from school his teacher actually contacted the parents saying I may be a bad influence just for not saying "Hi" to them. Smh

Comment by taffle on October 9, 2012 at 7:46am: OMG, that is what I do too. Sometimes when I'm interacting with strangers on the phone or face to face, I fake my smile, my happiness, my manners, my mood, everything! But deep inside, I feel disgusted because I'm not expressing my true feelings.

I agree with Alta that "'niceness' is a sort of social lubricant that keeps things going. If we all ignored each other, it would be a bit hard for society to function at all." No matter how horrible we feel, we can't take our anger/cynicism out on other people; otherwise other people will get angry at us and conflicts will result.

Comment by Alta Morden on October 9, 2012 at 7:41am: Just wondering, do you mean the 'fake person' you are tired of is yourself or the other people? Not being snarky, in your post you seem to go both ways with that.

I know it sounds a bit cynical, but 'niceness' is a sort of social lubricant that keeps things going. If we all ignored each other, it would be a bit hard for society to function at all. And, on a humorous note, berries are only available for a short time each year. :D