Self-harming with emotions?!

[Jenna]

Okay, if you don't like dramatic blogs and venting, this is going to be one so I would stop reading it here.

Okay, I've been feeling quite horrible for some time, umm actually I've been feeling nothing for quite a while. It is quite hard to explain, but it is like I have no soul/have no emotions at all. It has made me think of hurting myself before, many times  actually but the most I do is rubber band snap a tiny bit or hit myself in the head lightly(Sometimes kind of hard, I get carried away.). Pretty much though, I've held back hurting myself just to FEEL SOMETHING. Sigh, I've started to cuss at myself a while back and my grades are dropping....I had a sleepover with my best friend who is like a sister to me and realized something, these things make me cry or upset and in a way I enjoy it o.O.

It sounds weird, but I just realized last night that maybe the reason I don't want to study or make an effort in my work might be because I'm so desperate to feel something, anything I fail just to make myself sad and angry at myself. Hmm it is quite strange, and makes no sense but I guess instead of hurting myself physically I do it mentally. Anyways I'm sorry for being a bit of a drama queen but I just really needed to vent.....I'm seriously messed up.

[xCutemintix]

I can relate. I have this inner voice screaming at me to pull myself together before it's too late, and instead I'm letting myself fall deeper and deeper into a depression. Because if I make an effort, I'll only be back to the numb, empty feeling I'm so sick of experiencing, and I'll be all alone inside my head...

[greyartist]

You are not alone in this. I have read many posts about others here, myself included that have the same loss of emotion, lost soul feeling. I think it is a MD thing since so many of us have it in different levels. I have found that I can have emotions IN the DD. Like if something really sad happens to my character I start to cry, really cry. But I don't know of anything that could happen to me in real life that would make me cry, I just don't seem capable of it right now. I wish I could offer some advice on how to fix it, but I haven't figured it out yet myself. Talking on the board seems to help, it's always better to know you're not alone in it.

[Will Paine]

I have been in your position many times before. It is something like a valley for me. It means to me that I am not excited about anything really. But I easily remedy it by picking up a new hobby, or watching a new show, or just simply do something different. It helps, but for me it is easy to do something new. So just try it and work at it and then you will be better. :D

[Jenna]

Oh I forgot eating and it only helps sometimes.

[Jenna]

Raz, I feel no different when I get good grades but when I fail I feel something and it makes me sad but happy to know that I still have emotions. Even before my grades were dropping I felt this way. I also don't even have the motivation to study and plus as an added bonus my memory is just so horrible, I can barely remember two days ago.Also around 99% of people I feel worst....I don't think any of those suggestions would help.

I feel this way all the time, it never stops. 

I only feel okay when I'm writing, listening to music or I'm drawing. It has gotten to the point I panic every time I try to dd. 

[Jenna]

@Alex Thanks, I just get so angry at myself I just forget not to.

@Raz Yeah music is one of the few things I actually get but sometimes it doesn't help me and thank you.

[Raz]

Well i guess u do feel something, Jenna. For example, when you hear a song that u like? You showed me songs on chat and u probably get something good from them when u hear it. 
There are probably feelings there inside of you right now but u are just not noticing them.
So i guess a good first step could be trying to be aware of all the feelings inside you and trying to understand which situations they show up. Where the good feelings come from in ur life?
Trying to understand if ur behavior is related to ur grades failing is good too. But in the end it all comes down to how u can solve it. If it only makes u sad and angry at the end then it's clearly not worth it. Studying together can be a good way to overcome failing at school, try to think of things u could do that would help u overcome this. School sucks, u have to be strong to get over it, make plans, try different things, and stop worrying about making drama here, it's ok to talk!