People notice. and other things

[Zoe]

It all began when my teacher called on me in front of the whole class. He said; "Zoe" and then I jumped, and he said "Are you okay, you had a sort of spaced out look". And then everyone started laughing. I did too. I think some people already used to notice that  I spaced out a lot and I just wasn't aware of it. I think its some sort of joke amongst the guys in the class about me spacing out because I really was not expecting the laughter. It was as if they knew something. But I'm probably just paranoid. That was the first time I'd ever been called on for spacing out. The next time was in french class and the teacher got super cross with me for "sleeping". Everyone in the class was like what she wasn't sleeping. That was the first time I'd ever been in trouble with a teacher. Next was at lunch and I'm assuming I space out because she said "Zoe" and I was like  "what what"  and then she was like giggling and said" no never mind you were just... never mind." I don't know things just seem to be going downhill. MD is really taking over. 

So is loneliness. I am so lonely, yet I'm surrounded by people, but I am still so lonely. I can be very outgoing and get along with most people in my grade but I don't have a solid friendship anywhere. Solid like I could tell them anything. And at home I don't even feel at home. I can't even talk to my mom anymore. I'm not looking for pity I promise its just that I wish sometimes people would see how much I struggle. Not only with MDD but also with life at home too.. I'm not telling everything here but stuffs been going on at home pretty much all my life and I know if the school knew what was happening things would be different.. a lot different. But I can't wake up one day after pretending everythings fine and all of a sudden I have all these problems that came out of nowhere. Sorry this was more like a vent as most of my posts are. 

[Elizabeth Moore]

Zoe

You could try writing down how you feel and giving it to your school counsellor. It might be easier and that way you can be sure s/he knows exactly what you want them to know. Also, you worry that people won't accept that you have problems if you suddenly tell them everything when you've said nothing before, but that's the case with almost everyone who asks for help, as people try to struggle through until it becomes clear they can't cope any more or they encouraged to seek advice.

I totally identify with the disengagement with my friends and paranoia around my classmates. It was like that at my old school, but now I have a large group of friends I actually trust, and one guy in particular in whom I would (I know from experience) confide anything, so things will probably get better when you change school/go to college. If not, people are often more friendly and less samey at clubs outside of school, so you could try that.

[Pascale]

You wish somebody knew, but you are too afraid to tell anybody. And mind reader are not to find ouside DD. I just know the feeling. Sooner or later you have to do what you are afraid off. But take a step at a time, I mean walking in the office of the councellor and telling everything about you? what are you thinking about? You know you can go to the councellor to tel you have a problem you don't know how to talk about? He/she will not think you are stupid and you probabely won't be the first one. But you don't need to speak to an adult if you don't want to. Have you considered telling one school mate you know you are daydreaming "a lot" (don't speak about MD speak about DD "everybody do it") but you are not confortable that people laught about you.

By the way you took the first step, you write here and admit you are not coming from a perfect home. Nothing to be ashame about its not your fault. Good you are not the perfect girl that make two of us, I know everybody is so perfect, but it is the outside. My experience is when you tell just a little bit about your struggle, other people dare to speak about theire problem too. If you are affraid to speak, be a listener. Its a good way to make friends.

[Zoe]

@Rashmon Effect. I wouldn't know what to say to a school counsellor, even if I did I wouldn't be able to say it. It would be torture coming to school everyday knowing that some adult I don't even know, knows everything about me. I know its petty and me ignoring this won't do any good but I'm too scared to do anything else but  ignore it. I just don't think I could tell anyone other than someone I trust, so I guess I am partly bringing this upon myself. 

@Rita, I'm glad to know that it turned out better for you, its sort of comforting. I just don't really see myself ever getting past this, its been like this too long. way too long. 

[Rita]

hey, reading your post was like deja vu to me. I felt exactly like you, i was never alone but i felt like it. In school i had many friends but none i could speak about really everything. And i never had problems at home but i still felt like it wasn't really home you know. But things got better with time. When i went to university things were a basically the same at the begining but now i found some really good friends that make me feel like home. I guess what i'm trying to say is keep the hope (and i know it's not an easy task) :)