I don't know what to do right now.  I want to know what is wrong with me.  I have spend hours in the last two months reading psychology websites, psychoanalyzing myself, and toying with the idea of seeing a psychologist.  Wednesday I finally gave up on self-diagnosis and decided to see a professional of some sort.  I thought the best place to start would be in my university’s counseling center, so I went there on Thursday to make an appointment.  I thought it would take a while to get an appointment (thus giving me time to prepare myself), but, surprise!, they were able to fit me in on Friday (yesterday).  So, less than 24 hours after making the appointment, I was launched into the world of psychological healthcare.

I have been doing psychological research off-and-on for the past year or so, trying to find some answers as to why I am different from everyone else.  I had seen some diagnoses that sounded plausible but didn’t think they fit exactly.  Two months ago, I was feeling overwhelmed by my unhealthy relationship with my parents, which launched me into another phase of research, in which I finally concluded that I had schizoid personality disorder.  It all made sense at the time, but in the past couple of weeks, I have begun to realize that, although I technically fit the criteria for schizoid pd, I may have exaggerated my emotional symptoms a bit because I as in a bad mood at the time.  Then, I began to notice that some of my symptoms were more similar to asperger’s than schizoid, although I don’t have many of the stereotypical traits.  But the more I learn about the non-stereotypical traits of asperger’s and autism, the more it seems to fit.

Yesterday was my first ever experience with a professional counselor, and it was overwhelming.  I started crying the second she started asking about my social problems, and kept crying through most of the session.  (I am extremely sensitive about my social inabilities; I am crying again while typing this.)  Of course, that totally disconvinced the counselor that I had schizoid pd, since schizoid is marked by emotional coldness and detachment. She also seemed pretty skeptical about asperger’s (she said it was becoming a very “popular” diagnosis), but she seemed less skeptical after I started talking about my daydreaming. She seemed think it fit the criteria of both an obsessive interest and a repetitive activity.  She had never heard of maladaptive daydreaming, but she said she would look it up.

Anyway, I am still trying to diagnosis myself, but I guess I should stop because it doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere.  But I am impatient!  I have been living in this craziness for the past twenty one years, and I want to know why!   Of course, spending all of this time wondering what is wrong with me is depressing, because it makes me focus on the fact that there is something wrong with me.  I guess that is why I am writing this post, so that I can get this off my chest and think about something else until my next appointment, next Friday.

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Comment by Katherine on September 12, 2011 at 10:00am
Hi, thanks for posting and letting us know how you're doing ... glad you're feeling better.
Comment by Ellen on September 11, 2011 at 11:16pm
Thanks for your advice, Jennifer and Katherine.  Last night, I turned off my computer and spent sometime relaxing and reading, which helped a lot.  I went to church this morning, which reminded me of how silly I was being, in light of my beliefs.  Why was I freaking out?  I believe that God made with with a purpose and created me with the mind He wanted me to have.  I already know that I am gifted in some ways that other people are not, and even if it does turn out that I have some mental "condition," that doesn't change who I am, and it doesn't change that God is in charge.  Now that I am seeing a professional, there is no reason to go on guessing; that is what professionals are for.  So anyway, I am newly resolved not to worry about this any more.  I am still a little nervous about it, but I am not going to worry.
Comment by Katherine on September 11, 2011 at 3:33am

I totally agree with what Jennifer wrote.  It's very hard to self-diagnose when you're so involved in a situation and so emotional about it.  You've made a brave step going to see a counsellor so perhaps the best thing would be to see what comes of your sessions and let your counsellor do the research/make diagnoses.

I had counselling a few years ago and found myself crying through most sessions - it's a natural reaction when you're forced to think about, analyse and discuss your deepest disquieting thoughts with someone else.

Just remember that no-one's perfect, everyone is somehow broken in one way or another - emotionally, mentally or physically or a combination of the above.  Some hide it better than others, some appear perfectly functional but are crumbling inside.  The more I talk to people in real life the more I realise there is no such thing as "normal" - it's an idealised and impossible status.  So just because you feel there is "something" wrong with you doesn't make you a freakish outcast - it means you're just like everyone else.

Hopefully you'll be able to read others' posts on this site, identify with some of what people are saying and that will help you realise there are others like you too.

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