On Paper

[Rachel S]

Today has been a bad day.

 

Throughout the night I dreamt about my DD characters in a complex story that was pretty adrenaline filled. When I woke (Lunchtime! After twelve hours sleep! It's like I'm trapped in my dreams) I lay awake and finished the story for about an hour. I then went to town on my day off to do a few errands etc and daydreamed the entire time. Then I got home and ate. And daydreamed constantly. So I'm a bit sick now.

 

I have an empty notebook I keep under the bed. I decided to start my MD diary. First entry done and wow, how embarrassing to write it all down on paper. "In my new daydream I am an angel who has super powers and often has to save her friends from..." I could go on. I've never had dreams like this before. Usually I'm a normal person who leads an exciting life, but not some sort of superhero. (I've been watching Supernatural, which is where the idea came from.)

 

Anyway, one line I wrote made me angry. "Homesick for an imaginary house that I don't live in and lovesick for a person who doesn't exist." That is genuinely how I feel. It's horrible.

 

And this condition still isn't recognised by doctors. Pah!

[Rachel S]

My characters are fading more and more (I'm at that point where I can either look at the celebs who they're based on to refresh my memory or I can just leave it but another DD will start). Not sure what to do. I get tetchy when their faces fade and I can't remember the slightest facial expressions or the tone of voice for my DDs. I'd rather keep these characters and hang on a bit I think. I'll miss them.

 

You're right Sarah, it would seem tragic if someone who didn't DD read this. I'd probably have a good go at trying to explain to them though. And I think I'm OK with it now. I'm starting to feel less and less embarrassed. That has to be a good sign. I think this place has helped me to sort of say to myself "It's OK. Take it in your stride."

[Sarah]

Rachel -  I also worry about running out of DD fuel! This week I told my therapist about my DVD-heavy evening and (under the context of how I get a bit obsessed with things like TV shows and songs... rather than DDing) and how I get frustrated when I know I've watched everything there is to watch. She said did I mean that I didn't like being back in the real world with myself after I'd been so absorbed in the show? Was it a feeling of loss? I've yet to summon the courage to explain that when the DVD ends I am NOT back in the real world, just in that slightly less vibrant (fading, I guess, as you put it) version of the show in my DDs.

Magenta and hyperhero - I wrote some DDs down a few years back, thinking perhaps the dreams were just that novel that everyone apparently has in them! (Hmm, maybe not.) I still have the stuff I wrote. I keep it hidden. Would be mortified if anyone found it... although I could go for the slightly less embarrassing "It's a short story I wrote when I was a teenager" excuse.

[It really is SO great to be able to talk about this stuff here. I think to anyone who isn't dealing with this it would just sound really tragic. Cannot imagine being able to talk about it anywhere else. When someone else just comes right out with something you've been trying to put into words for years... it's an amazing feeling.]

[Magenta]

A few months ago, I started writing in a daily journal.  Keeping tabs on what I do throughout the day seems to ground me somehow.  When I began writing about my daydreams and the characters in them, I felt super vulnerable!  All I could think of was how in the world would I explain myself if someone found my notebooks? Paralyzing thought!

"Homesick for an imaginary house that I don't live in and lovesick for a person who doesn't exist."

Wow - I actually teared up when I read this quote.  Often, when I write about my deep-seated feelings for my characters, I find myself crying unexpectedly.  The tears are due to the hard realization that I'll never have those relationships, and my heart aches for "people" that are not real.  This feeling is like a kick in the stomach and it can be difficult to lift the cloud of sadness.  My daydreams are a source of tremendous comfort, but those "reality check" moments are brutal!

[Rachel S]

It's so comforting to see that we all feel the same way. I think you guys will do more to help me than a therapist ever could.

 

Sarah (first Sarah) I know what you mean with TV shows. This is what I've been doing lately. You KNOW you'll end up DDing so much you'll feel sick to death but at the same time you watch those shows to fuel the daydreams. Or I do, anyway. I get scared sometimes, if I don't watch the shows that inspire my characters then I won't be able to see them clearly and eventually they will fade away. (This just leads to another dd with new characters but I don't like change!)

[Patty]

I started with a new therapist because my old one retired.  I printed the entire document about the Maladaptive Daydreaming study that was done.  She hasnt read it and doesnt get it.  I'm going back next week and I'll probably ditch her.  I need someone who understands (at least somewhat) what this means to me and yes, Sarah (the other Sarah) like you, the other world really is my primary world, the real world is secondary.   I survive this world, but live for the other.   I let my heart open wide in my daydream world and shut it off in the real world.

[Sarah]

"Homesick for an imaginary house that I don't live in and lovesick for a person who doesn't exist."

Yes, yes, yes. You've really hit the nail on the head there.

Having a bad day myself and came here in the hope of finding something that I could identify with to make it easier. Thank you!

I had very little to do at work today, and my office mate was on leave, so spent all day DDing and pottering about on the web following up things connected with my DDs. Then I came home and watched 3 episodes of a TV show I'm fixated with (that fuels a lot of recent DDs)... and then watched those same 3 episodes with the audio commentary on. Not conducive to staying in the real world! All morning in my own DD world, half the evening DDing about the characters of the TV show, half the evening DDing about the cast of the TV show. 

I want so badly to be in any one of those places. Like you say, it feels *horrible*. So IMPOSSIBLE. I can absolutely NEVER be there. It's the only thing in the world I want just now and it can't ever happen.

I keep thinking "Oh just snap out of it!" but I can't... or don't want to? I think perhaps it's more that I don't want to. I recently sort of hinted at my DDs to a therapist I've started seeing. When I said how difficult I found it to get back to the real world she said "Yes, but life goes on". I thought, "No. That thing that drags me out of the DDs is not life. 'Life' IS the DDs and the real world is what gets in the way."

[Rachel S]

It's funny isn't it, how that show can feature in our DDs? I wonder why. Because it is so dramatic I think but also because it features things that are pure fantasy, but in such a normal way that you don't feel silly. I mean, the characters are superheroes really but they don't wear cheesy capes and fly around. It's like a guilty pleasure.

 

I think notebooks are good. I think we should maybe face the facts on cold, white paper. It must be the first step to being the boss of our MD, surely?

[deathisyourgift2001]

I too have a notebook, hidden, and if anyone ever read it, I think I would probably die of embarrassment.

Supernatural features fairly prominently in most of my DD's, and sometimes just in the background.  (Like, I'm a hunter, and I know these guys).  I should probably stop watching so many paranormal shows.  

[Patty]

I too completely identify with that line "Homesick for an imaginary house that I don't live in and lovesick for a person who doesn't exist."   I am completely in love with the guy in my daydream and I love the house we live in.  The house I live in in real life, its ok, and my boyfriend is, well, he's ok most of the time.  But just ok.   The man in my head, we trust each other completely and he would never hurt me or disappoint me.  Sure, its not real life, but I like it much better!  Ive also tried to write my MDs down but tear them up right away.  I would even tear them up now, even though Im no longer embarrassed to be an MDer.    Im glad this thing has an acronym like MD and its not something like JKRPNAL or something  : )

[Rachel S]

I totally agree. When I wrote that one line it made me really upset. It just sort of came out, but to look at it I think it sums up MD completely.

 

But something as overpowering as this will definitely be recognised soon. Maybe one day I'll pluck up the courage to tell a doctor about it. And if a few other people tell that doctor the same thing then at least that will be one doctor who will realise it's a condition.

 

I think an MD diary is a good idea. I'm doing it so that in a years time I can go "Oh yeah. I remember those daydreams. They seem so far off now. And at least I still got stuff done this year." If that makes sense.