My social phobia (kind of an embarrassing post)

[Dusty]

For some unexplicable reason, I've always had a fear of asking people to "hang out" with me. You know when there's someone you find fun or interesting, and would like to get to know more and in my case maybe even DD about them, but you aren't at the point in a relationship where you're actually considered "friends"?

Yeah, I assume this is when the majority of people will pop a "we should hang out sometime!" or "what are you doing tonight?" out of habit, without really thinking much of it. For some reason I've never been able to bring myself to say things like that out of fear, and I've been thinking about why. My social skills have improved a lot since I was a younger teenager, but now that is the one thing I stumble on, and probably the single biggest roadblock I have to making friends.

I think the idea makes me feel a similar way that shyer people get when they want to ask out their crush, but are unable to do it because they're too shy. Only for me the fear is more towards asking other girls etc. to hang out with me. Like I'll be afraid that they'll realize I'm asking them because I have no one else to ask. Also I guess I just don't like the idea of people knowing I'm interested in them even platonically. I've never heard of anyone else having that specific fear but I'm thinking I should maybe go to counselling for it.

[Angela E]

I can't believe they rejected you!  That sucks.  Yeah, I agree you shouldn't have to pay for friends.  Buuuuutttt....APO is like $50 a semester, and that just covers the cost of operation.  And they don't reject anyone.  I've literally never seen them reject anyone ha ha.  Like I said, it's not a "real" frat.  Pledging was really fun and made me get involved.  They have all sorts of cool service projects and I met some amazing people.  But there are lots of other organizations I'm sure are great.  :)  I just have to make a plug for my dear old frat.  I'm sure you'll find something you like.  I joined enough that I hated... :p But eventually I found some good ones.  

[Dusty]

Yeah, that's what I kinda meant about it getting worse, harder to meet people. I guess it also depends where you live and how many people there are your age as well (stay away from small towns like here lol). Yeah that is true I decided to do a lot of volunteering and clubs and stuff this year when I go back to school.

LOL I actually rushed for a sorority last year and got rejected, other than that it also seems kind of stupid to have to pay hundreds of dollars per semester for a group of friends (I feel like they shouldn't cost anything). Thanks for the advice though!

[Angela E]

Hmm, I don't think it's true that your social life gets worse after college.  I think that you just have to put more effort into meeting people then.  In college, especially in dorms like you said, you are constantly meeting new people, especially if you're in a club or something.  Once you start working, if you don't find some friends at work, it can be trickier to meet people.  It isn't really HARD though.  You just have to get involved in the community and try out different things until you find something something you want to do.  Community service, a sport, a running or hiking group, whatever.  Maybe it would help for you to try that out now?  Actually, if your school has it, you might like Alpha Phi Omega.  It's not a real frat.  It's co-ed and just does community service, but the people are usually cool and the pledging process forces you to meet tons of people.  I had a lot of fun when I did that, and the service projects they do are really great.  Also, it does help on your resume haha.

[Dusty]

Aww, thanks for the help. Good to hear that it does get easier, there tends to be an overriding belief the peoples social lives get progressively worse and worse after perceived "peak" around age 20-25 (I'm 20).

It's funny that a couple years ago I was living in school residence with 50 others my age and so we'd always do things together like have meals and hanging out in eachothers rooms. While I was living there I never had a problem with asking people to get food with me, asking to join them hanging out etc. but I guess I've slipped back because it's been a couple years since and forget what it's like to really be part of a community or group.

[truthandbeauty]

Hi DustyRose,  I think it is a skill, like public speaking, to be able to look someone in the eye and ask to hang out.  I don't know your age but I assume you're fairly young?  I only say that because your post sounded like me about 25 years ago!  I'm not pushing the big 50 and have to say that the whole "approaching people" thing has become easier.  I'm less concerned about what other people think.  If I feel I connect with, say, another mom at my son's school, I just throw into a conversation that "we should meet at Starbucks" or "why don't we do morning walking sometime."  It does get easier and you begin to trust that you won't be rejected mostly.  I think with a little therapy you'll be out & running!  Hey, if you're ever my way, we could meet at Starbucks too!  See?  No problem. Have a great day.

[Dusty]

Aww, thanks guys! And that sounds good too Angela to just go in a roundabout way, probably less intimidating lol. Thanks for the encouragement :3. Glad to hear you made progress this summer, I guess it's just a balancing act of being enthusiastic and happy to be with them without seeming too eager or desperate or like you don't have other options. There needs to be a bit of distance, especially at first but I think I have a bad habit of providing too much space and then the people probably think I'm not that interested in them as a friend. I tend to not have much trouble if they approach me first (just that doesn't happen often lol), if they've asked me to hang out once I usually have no problem asking them later.

I think the DDing doesn't help either, especially since I'll sometimes get a "squish" on someone and then DD about having a conversation with them or being good friends with them or something, and I'll feel some need to "cover" that up by acting more aloof or indifferent around said person. Similarly I find that if I act really interested in someone as a friend one day, I'll back off more or act more distant the next day to sort of (over)compensate for that.

I know what you mean too Wish! I feel weird texting an acquaintance without anything utilitarian to ask about ("can i borrow your notes?" etc.) which is really sad because I value social interaction for its intrinsic value rather than just to achieve ends etc.

[Wish Upon A Wish]

DustyRose, I'm glad I'm not the only one! Partially it's 'cause I like DD too much, but partially 'cause of not wanting the other person to feel like I'm needy or clingy or anything. Same with texting (Opera, how is texting not a word? Well, it is now.) people, which is extremely rare unless I'm asking for/about something. I can't really help you much, so sorry about that, but I will say to Angela E, thank you lots for posting that, as it could help me =) It's just that I often talk to/see someone at a temporary occasion but then afterwards either don't get any way to contact them, or just don't contact them, at least not much, which sucks. But yeah, I think I might try the indirect approach, it may help =) So thanks for that!

[Angela E]

Counseling would probably be really helpful, esp if you could get one who does positive psychology or something.  I am the same way actually.  I've gotten better about it in the past couple of years, but I still feel that way sometimes, depending on how long I've known the person.  I'm actually kind of lucky because most of my friends reached out to me first, ha ha.  And having them made it easier for me to reach out to other people.  

I know exactly what you mean when you say you're afraid the other girls will realize you have no one else to ask.  Before I made some friends here, I was really scared of that too.  But just remember, you don't have to reveal anything like that about yourself if you don't want to.  And it probably won't even come up.  It never did with me.  

What helps me is to go about it in a roundabout kind of way.  Instead of just directly asking, "Do you wanna do something sometime?" I'll bring up movies or restaurants.  Usually there'll be some point in the conversation where you are both like, "Oh, I've always wanted to go there!"  That's the perfect time, I think, to just throw in the casual, "We should totally do that together sometime!"  Usually they agree enthusiastically and that's that.  Then you don't feel like you've directly asked them, "Will you be my friend?"  So there's not as much pressure about rejection or neediness.  At least, that's how it is for me.  Of course, it's easier said than done, ha ha.  But I also think it's really empowering once you do it a few times.  I'm not the best at it, but I did make a couple new friends this summer doing that.  I could probably stand to do it even more, tbh, but I'm happy that I'm making progress.  

Don't be embarrassed about it!  I just think about it as a skill set.  It doesn't have anything to do with who you are or who I am, it's just a skill we didn't develop when we were younger.  So we have to practice it to develop it now.  And if it doesn't go smoothly at first and we look silly, oh well.  We will learn from that and do better the next time.  And whenever you do make a new friend, remember that you're not just getting something.  You're enriching their life too.  Your friendship is as much a gift as theirs is, and maybe thinking about that will make it easier for you to take the first step.  You aren't just asking them to give you their company---you're offering to give them yours.