Where wild minds come to rest
I'm not religious and I've never been, I have completely different vision of life, impossible to combine with Christianism, catholic or orthodox (in my country it should be the Orthodox church). I've never understood how one could really think that there is God that one doesn't see, but feels. This year I discovered My Personal God.
I discovered that feelings that I have for Me (idealized) are simular to what some religious people have for their Gods. I think that this creature is absolutely perfect, I feel adoration. When I think about Her or imagine Her I feel happiness. I would kiss her hands if I could for what She gave me. Compared to her, me real seems so miserable. So I can't imagine me talking to Her, or Her talking to me beacause I'm too bad, too shy, too vulnerable. Too-not-like Her. The only thing that I can do is try to follow Her, to repair myself tryig to copy that perfect creation. I will feed Her image with my emotions so long as I can, trying to thank Her for what she already gave me.
Her image is saint for me. Her style, her clothes, her bracelets and haircut. her actions, so brave and just, so full of real love, passion and fire. Her manner of being rude and delicate at the same time, the way that she makes everyone respect her and her decisions. Her experience and knowledge. Oh, I can continue and make a rather longer list.
It's only this year that I started feeling something so strong for Her. I had two characters before, but they haven't seemed to me so perfect, so complete.
The awful things that I prepare for Her, this year I don't even dare make them real. Everything matches, but at the last moment of the nightmare I decide to turn it to her dream. And then she's awake, and Him next to Her, comforting and loving. I can't really hurt Her.
Some days before I had a small plot about how She dies....I couldn't. I had a good moment to kill Her, but I just can't. I cried (in the metro, as usual), so beautiful it was, so beautiful was the song. Today I also had something awful prepared (the trigger - the final episode of one very good drama serial), but finally nothing happens, and she continues to live peacefully.
So many people in the world rely on Christ, Allah, Buddah. I don't know, maybe they're real and I'm wrong. But for the moment I still believe in Her, because she's never betrayed me, lied to me. We're so alike, she would understand me, but she's not as bad as me. All she's doing every day is being an example for me, giving me inspiration, faith and force to continue. Thank you, keep going. I love you.
Please be there for me, please. Don't. Disappear.