My practically happy (?) DD story

[Nathaly]

Hello to everyone

I found this site a week ago and now I´m calm and have some time to formulate what I have to say. I do have things to say, because as everyone here I´ve spent time being alone with my MD.

Firstly, I´m really happy to see so many people who can really understand me completely. I read some stories, some discussions, now I have the impression of being a member of an anonymous club. That´s good becase here we have no shame and we can share our thoughts and problems.

I won´t describe my MDD in this post. I would like to tell how in my case MDD can become a really good thing.

It´s neither my merit nor some pretext to boasting. I feel very concerned about the stories I read here and I feel that it´s the thing that can happen to me too. Maybe my story will give hope to those who have lost it.

Living without any knowledge about MDD, I knew that it was not the most normal thing that everyone does, especially when I was already 15 or 16, not a little girl to dream so much. But I have never been scared because I knew that if I can divide the dream from the reality, it´s ok. I have never been too deeply envaded by DD, my own record would be three or four hours per day in ten year. So I can tell that I have the light version of the addiction, but I still have it. I started to analyse it, and I found out that it can be a good thing.

I discovered that the plots and the main character, which is Me idealized, of course, symbolise actially things that I needed at the moment. For example, when I was 15 I felt very lonely because boys didn´t seem to be very interested in me, I still don´t know why, I was cute). That´s why the dominant element of Me´s life was a long romantic-drama story, kind of a serial. I felt and I still feel that I´m a very very vulnerable and weak person in the emotional plan, I can start crying beacause some stupid professor gives me some silly comment of my work. So the distinguishing features of Me were always symbols of power, not only physical, but also magic power.

Time passes and I started to work this out. I began facing my own emotions, speaking louder, becoming braver, communicating with strangers without fear. So the DD reality and Me were changing, but they still had some main features.

Now I´m married and the love thing is not so painful anymore. I felt so much confidence that there are days when Me´s romantic story disappears. Besides He (also a very unstable character) is still present, but he´s reflecting the Me´s evolution.

That was a kind of a synopsis, sorry for being long. Now I come to the main part. 

I love my Me version very pationately. I admire her as no one. And this year, not conciously, but I started the process of my transformation into her. It´s a kind of everyday personal improvement or up-grading.  I can´t have magic powers, but I can still become like her in other things, control perfectly my emotions and my life. There are days that I do wery well, and you can´t imagine what feeling is it! It´s like your MDD have become true in our own life! I feel as I suddenly have this power. I´m pacing in the metro and feel as if I (Me) is going to her office. I enter the faculty building and I tell hello to my tutor, knowing that she respects me for being responsible, as people respect Me in my DD reality. It is the best feeling that I ever had.

But there are days when I give up, don´t do things in time, suffer from a very strong procrastination. That´s why I´m here and that´s why I still can say that I¨m addicted. Me life is not yet completely under my control. What I do is trying to organize it in a better way, always thinking about her. She became my own example for life.

That´s how I handle with my MDD.I saw that life with DD is possible, if it´s completely controlable. I would never reject completely my DD because that is the thing that helps me so much in my life. It saved me from depression, it inspires me every day. All I hate is when it becomes stronger that me, number of bad days is increasing recently.

I would be very happy if my experience  helps somebody to deal with MDD. If not, I would just be happy to know what do you all think about it. I would be very happy if I have friends here with whom we could discuss DD so I´m open for everyone. 

P.S. If you see a really serious fault in the text, let me know, I want it to be good.

[Sammy]

I would be glad to be your friend. You are a very lucky girl, because you have benefits from your MDD.