My Introduction

[Kristen]

I've never done anything like this (blogged) so here it goes.  -deep breath-

Hello members, I'm Kristen and that's as far as my name as your going to get.  I have been call numerous other names online like Amethly, A.V.Frienday, S.V Rae, and Ivan.  I'm not legally an adult but I know I'm far from a child or an adolescent in quit a few aspects.  Up until recently (as in the last few months/half year) I never really thought that my constant fantasying was something that a lot of people had and some even suffered badly from it.  I've only done maybe a few hours worth of research on this condition, but I figured to get the possibly second best, second honest answers about MD (besides a doctor) is to just cautiously, since this is the internet, dive into it. 

But, the reason I guess I started seriously looking for answers is that tragedy struck.  For four years I've watched my mother battle cancer.  She's had her ups and downs, the uplifting "it's gone; we're in remission" to the soul crushing "we found a tumor".  But now, there's nothing left to do.  Now, we're in Hospice giving 'comfort' medication instead of 'cure' medication.  For the first time I saw both my father and older brother cry.  And for the eight-thousandth time I questioned myself on why I couldn't cry.  I can't remember the last time I shed a tear and meant it. 

I do believe that pretending was my major copping method through all of this.  I would live in these harsh, dramatic, almost comic book/tragedy/novel series lives.  With the music turned up and setting the mood I could be anywhere, anytime, with anyone and be someone else.  And it was great.  The only thing I thought suffered though it was my carpet from pacing back and forth.  But my parents saw something else.  You see, they don't know about the pretending (too embarrassed to tell anyone, I  just came to terms with it myself this year) so they believed that I was majorly depressed (maybe I am in a way).  They wouldn't see me come out and eat, mostly because they don't know about my snack stash hidden in my room, and they would worry.  Another thing that tip the scales for all of us was when I had a panic episode at a social gathering.  My doctor told me I have a slight to major social anxiety disorder.  Now, I think I've connected the dots; I have a belief that my years, and years of pretending gave me false expectations and fears about the outside world or at least large groups.  I also know that if I'm not doing an activity that I enjoy, in a large group that I'll daydream and then fear that others will notice and I will be ridiculed.  May be it's one, may be the other or both, none, I don't know for sure.

It kind of jumpy like a slightly unbalanced Libra scale right now, but I guess you could say that my 'pretending sessions' are less frequent.  I'm helping out my father, who's working himself to death right now for my mother, fighting for more time and making her as comfortable as possible.  I know he's lost and feels hopeless right now, so I try to help him as much as I can while helping her and myself.  This is the busiest I've ever been for a summer and I know when school starts, if mom is still here, it's only going to get harder.  I do enjoy pretending and I love to write, but I don't want it to control my life.  Before it was excessive but now it's under the bar.  I hope I'll be able to find a peaceful balance in the near future.  I'm just going to work hard and spend as much time as I have with my mom as possible while living my life. 

Wow, I didn't expect to put down so much.  Had no idea of all the things I've kept inside me for so long.  Feels good to get it off my chest, I just hope I don't get crap from it. 

"The light may allow you to see the paper, but the darkness lets you discover the story." ~ Me.

[KEONTE]

welcome! I have social anxiety too!  It makes trying to stop MDing hard. 

[Bee Anchor]

Quite a journey so far !!!

Welcome to the club.

[K. Pow]

Welcome!!!

Thanks for sharing your story! I hope this place helps!

[taffle]

Hi and welcome to wild minds. I can relate with the pretending and social anxiety.