MD Is my secret addiction

[Aaron Wolfie]

So I was kind of thinking about this last night and early this morning I don't think all that highly of myself, I never really have. I'm not negative about it or anything like I don't get all depressed. I just don't take in compliments so much they tend to go in one ear and out the other. Also, I've found I can still smile and feel happy but I'm never truly lifted without the weight of regret dragging me down. 

It's occurred to me when I day dream it usually revolves around me looking and feeling good/powerful. I'm charismatic and a bit of a dark and mysterious character. More importantly I don't seem to be as sensitive and as docile as I am in real life. I tend to be more aggressive. A lot of my daydreams revolve around the deepest darkest corners of my memory, stuff I'm struggling to let go of stuff I regret doing (not doing mainly). 

I was bullied something terrible throughout school which robbed me a lot of happiness and self esteem. I take a lot of things to heart and I regret not having a thick enough skin to deal with it. My daydreams reconstruct and tamper with those memories. Instead of taking it I stand up and fight, be it with people who physically hurt me or hurt me with words and lies.

It feels disturbingly good. I feel aggression flowing through my veins, a kind of fire deep within that temporarily welds the cracks in my emotions shut. I  feel reinforced rather than fragile. It's like I'm thriving off the aggression and continuously twisting my nerves until the pain goes numb and is replaced by sheer anger and motivational drive. Maybe it isn't healthy but it's my unhealthy addiction. I know it's wasting away my nerves but it feels so good feeling consumed by something other than regret. 

Not sure whether I can kick the habit right now....

[Queen Dopamine]

I feel very similar to this. I was a sensitive child and grew into a sensitive teenager, which is not the best type of person to be when you get bullied. I didn't handle it well. Though I was homeschooled, we started doing this homeschool program when I was 14, which involved being around other homeschoolers and doing our work in more of a classroom setting. I got picked on a lot. Though the kids claimed they were just teasing, I really took it to heart. I had already been daydreaming before that, but my teenage years only enhanced it.

Similarly, I feel very empowered in my daydreams and in control. That's the great appeal of it. I say and do things that are always appropriate in the situation; nothing ever bothers me. I'm just able to exist in these conversations and situations, even being seen as the "cool person". Technically, me as Jessica does not exist in my daydreams. I have completely separate characters, but they are the type of people I aspire to be.

I get very sad at the thought of giving up daydreaming. It's my vice, as well. When there's nothing else to be controlled, when I can't do anything, I can always have my fantasies. It's so hard...I don't want to give it up.