So I feel like I need to just rant a bit tonight.......

For months now, I've been feeling like I can't quite get a handle on my actual real life, and I can't figure out why. For once, it's not because of DD.

I haven't actually been able to really immerse myself in DD for.... months and months really. I made myself quit because it was a bad time in my life and I needed some space to sort things out. Some parts of my life have become unexpectedly great -- socializing, dating, church-going. That's all much better.

But some parts of my life just feel like they're doomed to tank. Figuring out a career sucks, running out of money sucks, and lying to people sucks. I can't figure out how to make myself make these problems go away. Now that I don't have DD to blame, I keep wanting to blame myself for everything. And that just feels super shitty. 

(Actually, are we allowed to swear on this forum? I'm from new york so 'shit' is not really a swear word to me).

But I've been trying to keep myself out of DD even though I'm feeling low. To me, since discovering this forum, I see DD as more of a huge and beautiful gift, and for all that it causes me tons of procrastination problems, I don't want it to go away forever and I don't want to associate it with bad feelings. But it's so odd and uncomfortable and sometimes just flat out painful to have to experience all these negative things, and not have my secret little cave to run away to. 

Sidenote: I just realized that that's where all my emotions always go to. I'm very unexpressive irl, and I think I just realized that it's because I sublimate it all into the dream. Like: "file it away, I'll deal with it later." Huh. Breakthrough.

Anyway, does anyone feel like life is just unnecessarily hard sometimes? And if you decide you don't want to DD, and if you don't drink or smoke it out or something, what do you do?

... I feel like most "normals" would just talk it out with their friends or something, but I hate complaining and I hate myself when I'm complaining, so I don't usually go with that route. I hate how I feel after wasting time on the internet, so I've been trying to avoid that. And then if people say just watch a movie or read a book, I really can't because typically that'll trigger the DD. Even a nonfiction thing. So lately I just drink tea and do nothing and that's great for a while, but it's getting boring. I'm taking up running, but my feet are getting sore. 

I don't want other passions. I want to immerse myself back in DDs, but I also don't really feel safe to do so. I want to feel grateful for where I've come in life, but I also feel overwhelmingly gray when I'm not DDing, and aa little bit scared of the weirdness that's still inside me. I feel so caught in between. 

I wish I could just take the energy I use for DD and put it into solving all my actual worries, but something always gets lost along the way.


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Comment by Emma Indigo on April 28, 2014 at 5:48pm

Just walking through the hallways at school, listening to other people talk in class, I find myself with this feeling that I'm so weird because I don't talk it out with other people. Not like different-weird, but like the something-is-seriously-wrong-with-me kind of weird. Actually a little but of both weirds. Honestly I'd just like to slip into another daydream when life is crap, which is often. Talk with my characters, wander through my worlds, just be there instead of here. A friend at my old school once told me that "In life, there are crap weeks and cupcake weeks and sometimes ugly muffin weeks." Cheesy, but true.

Comment by Amanda Lewone on April 27, 2014 at 1:33pm

Yea, I think other people talk about things, cry, let it out. I am dealing with a lot of the things you are dealing with. 

In terms of hobbies, I too am staying away from books, movies etc. I am also trying to limit my internet time. I've taken up running as well and I practise lead guitar. 

Comment by Cyan on April 26, 2014 at 9:55am
Wow. I'm really impressed with your ability to stop daydreaming. I think that writing online about your problems is something to get your feelings sorted. Good luck!

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