It's Getting Easier

[Paracosm]

It's only getting later and I should be going to bed, but I'm so fed up. I can't convince myself to end this day just so I can experience another. It feels like such a waste.

I don't know why I'm writing this. I never know why I do what I do. I don't even know what it is I'm doing. All I know is that it's becoming easier.

Yes, it's easier than it ever has been to feel sad and accept the feeling, because I don't feel it anymore. There's only a void inside, and a false face to hide it. Misery has become my only friend. There's something sweet about it and I don't know how to leave it behind.

I feel such a conflict inside between wanting to be understood and the fear of making myself vulnerable, so I've withdrawn into my own world, so that the real world feels strange to me. I don't know how to return there. I feel like an alien, trapped inside an alien world, and trapped inside myself. I don't know what I'm doing here.

I wish that I could just wake up tomorrow and my eyes would be opened—that I could see the world with clarity and feel human again; but as it now, I wake up from a dream and into another, like the living dead. Time blurs together. Yesterday feels like another life, tomorrow feels impossible, and the present moment feels like nothing. I don't think I can be more lost than this.

Oh well. At least it's getting easier, and soon I won't know the difference.

[dream lover]

@paracosm :) :) :) i must admit that you gave a detailed definition.another world where everything is possible,i call it "kolpo lok". life,espcially our life is very boring, frustrating,tiring, exshausting,colorless compared to it.we can get everything there but cant get most of the things here,in reality.very very very very frustrating.but still there are some things we can change.
I usually daydream of a happy familly,where i am loved,where my dad cares for me,doesnt talk to me like i am a criminal in court,i am responsible and have friends who treats me as an equal,a brother who becomes a perfect kid,a mother who gets all the good things she deserves.and of course i have a very nice and cute girlfriend :) ,and i am going to live in my desired city newyork. But every time i wake up from a dream,i feel soooooooooo hopeless cause none of them are possible in reality.after i get sad and calm,i start to think how i can change them....eventually i realize that i can never change my dad ....i cant change the things of the past,i cant erase the memories.i cant even change myself,i'm gonna remain single and alone cause i dont know how to talk to people. I wont get to newyork
n i will have to live in the most poluted city in the world.but i feel a little hope cause i know my problems,n someday i'm gonna figure out a way to solve them, i just need to try,joining this blog and writing here is trying,i read many posts from this cite for 2 weeks,but it took me 2 weeks to join it,i dont know why,i feel afraid to share my feelings,even among my own kinds(MDs). But seeing everyone,i guess i gotta try,n i'm allready feeling better, there must be many other things out there which would make me feel happier n eventually i will be happier in reality than in "paracosm" :).so i'm gonna keep trying.
you probably heard this a thousand times before but i'm gonna say it again,dont let frustration consume you. Things are probably not going well,things usually never go well for us,for MDs.but we are strong.we can try to do good.there may be no way to get what you need now,but later,you will have your chance.life isnt that much unfair. so,dont lose hope.

[Paracosm]

@dream lover - A paracosm, according to Wikipedia, is "a detailed imaginary world, or fantasy world, involving humans and/or animals, or perhaps even fantasy or alien creations. Commonly having its own geography, history, and language, it is an experience that is often developed during childhood and continues over a long period of time: months or even years."

I certainly have an emotional attachment to my imaginary world and the people in it, and yes, I think in a way, I miss those things when I'm "away", but now I'm beginning to think that my daydreaming could be better compared to a compulsion. I don't believe that distracting myself out of it is the answer.

I've never experienced nightmares when I tried to stop daydreaming, although I admit that I haven't put much effort in trying to stop, the reason being that I really feel that the way to stop is to remedy the UNDERLYING CAUSE. I daydream for a reason, and that reason is this: that I feel alone and helpless and therefore I've created a world where I can find companionship and a sense of control and freedom. I believe that until I have a reality that provides me those things and therefore overpowers my fantasy, trying to stop daydreaming will be a waste of energy.

My frustration comes from the fact that I don't know how to get the things that I need. The feel so far out of reach.

[dream lover]

I agree with silla....observing other people n competetion helps....but not all of us are strong enough to achieve that.....yet. paracosm(what does "paracosm" mean anyway? ) it was a brave thing(teeling your sister),bravo.i can relate to the situation you r in now....i feel exactly the same n my most important xm is just a month away....i think this "lost" feeling is a side-effect of reducing DD...cause DDs are like our home sweet home and the real world is boot camp.we are feeling homesick...n did u experience nightmares when u tried to stop DDs?bad nightmares n feels like someone is forcing you to see it?

[Paracosm]

Hi Silla, thanks for your comment. :)

It's so hard for me to make changes, especially when there are hardly any opportunities for change, but I know I should try harder. I just feel so afraid. I feel paralyzed too. I don't do anything because it feels as though none of this is real and any moment I'll wake up to discover it's only been a dream.

More than anything, I just want someone to talk to—to understand me. I told my sister about what I'm going through, but she's just as clueless about what to do as I am, not to mention it's impossible for her to actually know how I feel. I really want to step out and and actually DO something REAL, but it's so hard for other people to understand how difficult that is to do, when I've never done anything with my life.

I know what I want and I know what I need, but I feel I'm an ocean's distance away from it, and I don't know how to get there.

[Silla Bakht]

Seriouisly,to be very honest i feel that it's my story,i understand your feelings and I was like you just a year before, so i wanna share something.A year before i was totally lost my personality,my soul ,my mind,my real feelings(because MDDiers have fake feelings also)but now i feel alot change in myself .How i change myself??? By making my goals about life.What i want from it and i should do for my life.I understand now very well that you can only overcome from this situation by understanding yourself.

I learn one thing from this one year that free mind is the home of illness.So I  change my whole life.I dii competition with my friends,people around and starting observe about them,then gradually things were gettiing better.then i knew that how much i loss from my life,real moments,achievements,real life everything friends and family.Now Alhamdulillah I am very better than my worst past.I called it worst (because i just lose evrything on the cost of fake dreams)which have4 no reality.

your sincere wellwisher.