Is it denial to consider my MDD a gift?

[Katie Reed]

A rich inner world has always been a factor in my life but a story did not start to form until I was 7. A line was spoken in a TV show that sparked something in me that has never died.  I don't remember the TV show or the line. It was just part of some random dramatic scene in a teen drama my aunt was engrossed in.

I wonder how the actor would feel knowing what a profound effect that line had on my life. Pride or maybe pity.  I can't imagine because I don't even know how I'm supposed to feel about MDD.

My gut instinct it that this is a gift. A muse that is waiting to be acted on. I have never once tried to stop it. I saw little point. it literally never occurred to me to try to even curb it.

• I spurred me to create. Drawing, writing, model making. Skills that help me succeed in a creative education and a creative career.
• It encourages me to learn as I struggle to incorporate anything into my fantasy world that is not entirely plausible.
• It entertained me when no one else wanted to talk. Helped me escape the boredom of long lonely lunch breaks.
• It helped me escape and it helped me process the world. If something was going on it wouldn't be happening to just me. the characters in my made up world would be experiencing a similar event.

The one thing I would like to change is how difficult it is to slip to a new task, from daydreaming to doing. I guess I like to pick tasks where I can do both. When something needs real concentration it can take a long time to get into the right zone.

As a child, I was always alone. I think I'm just wired differently. Social interaction was something that left me wondering no one wanted to play with me and why everyone wanted to bother me to play whenever I was doing something interesting like drawing or playing legos. I do feel if my family did not make me feel so ashamed I would have been quite content but I wasn't I hated myself for being a freak that had to lie go out to play with none existent friends my mother insisted to herself that I had.

Over my lifetime, I have found DD to be a wonderful muse. Whenever I look back on anything I have excelled in creating it is often related to DD.

Some good has resulted from DD. I do not claim to be a fantastic writer but I am chosen to write the blog and web content for the company I work for and my drawing skills help me explain ideas to clients.

On the other hand, I can truly say I have no friends and have never had friends. With exception of my partner of 16 years. That might be unfair. After all this time I do find myself getting on quite well with one person.

It leaves me with the question, did MDD cause this or help me live with this?

[Whitney]

Someone on another site I frequent once compared daydreaming to a hammer that could be used to either create or destroy. In your case, it seems DDing has had an overall positive effect when it comes to work and creativity. Regarding your social life, it's a bit more complicated. Do you have social anxiety and cope by daydreaming? Or do just not want to interact with others and prefer to be alone?

In the past, before I knew about MDD and the effect it had on my life, I thought I preferred to be alone and would avoid developing relationships because they seemed like such a bother and required effort. I also convinced myself that I was better off alone because of how awkward I was with others, couldn't connect/find anything to talk about, and just overall social anxiety. MDD made me think I didn't need/want anyone because life inside my head was so fulfilling - I had everything I wanted in real life (friends, personality, success, meaning) and that was enough since as we dreamers know our DDs feel real and create real emotional, physical, and mental sensations.

I guess the point is that you need to look deep within yourself to find out why you started DDing and why you continue. Is it just because it helps with your creativity or is there something else? Are you filling a void? MDD has a way of disconnecting us from our true selves, our desires, and needs. It makes things bearable and hides and covers our issues so well that sometimes we can't even figure out what's really up.

Kudos on your success and relationship! Those are things to be proud of.