Is it any wonder that I am a Maladaptive Daydreamer when reality is so hard to grasp?

I'm starting to think that it isn't my MDing that makes life difficult. It's life being difficult that makes me MD.


Maybe I'm just seeing things the wrong way. Who could blame me? Right now I would give anything, anything at all to be able to just forget that my life is so hard right now. I wish I could, but I need privacy for MDing, and that is something I don't have right now. I'm so depressed right now that MDing probably wouldn't be as satisfying as it usually is anyway.  The feelings of hopelessness are too strong and I want to just go to sleep and never again wake up. But I can't.

So maybe my characters are a representation of myself that has an ideal life. Jay might be blind but he doesn't back down when somebody is being unfair to him. Worse case scenario: He probably would have had the police getting involved if he'd lost his job over the fact that he'd been given the wrong information about what days he was supposed to work. Not that he would lose his job in the first place. And if he had lost his job, he would have scouted the entire city for work and found a new job before nightfall on the same day.

I can't really remember exactly when my MDing got to a point where it was more than just normal childhood make-believe but if I think back, maybe it was about third grade when it really started. That was when friends were moving away, and I was being transferred back and forth between schools and really didn't have any friends. I must have found that lack of friends thing hard to cope with, and so pretended that I was somebody else, with lots of friends and always having fun.


Yeah, that must be it.


Doesn't change the fact that I've probably thought about death more than 20 times in the past 48 hours. Not that I'll ever have the guts to actually do something like that. I don't have the courage, just like I don't have the courage to tell people what I really think, which is why I just stood there, pathetically, fighting the urge not to break down into tears when I was being told that I was fired and why I sat on the bus, crying, trying to make myself stop, and trying to talk myself out of being so pathetic and immature.

At least I talked myself into spending a few hours walking up and down a business corridor asking for applications and applying at the one place that had a computer just for that purpose right inside. But I'm not sure if I looked pathetic or just normal when I was doing that. I tried to have a smile on my face, but I probably just had a grim look. I'll probably have frown lines by the time I'm thirty. That's only 5 year s away. Actually, more like 4 and two thirds, because this year is half over and I'm a March baby.


I'm a march baby named April Dawn. Isn't that... I think the word is ironic. I also think I read somewhere that people form opinions about us based on our name. I wonder what people think of me when they are reading these stupid applications and see that I wasn't even born in April. Do they know why? No, probably not. The fact that I was born premature probably doesn't come to mind. Yeah premature, by nearly two months. I was supposed to be born April 28th, which is, strangely, the day my deadbeat biological father died many years later.

And now on that vein, I just thought of something.  In Jay's world, his biological father doesn't even know he exists until he's old enough to have found someone to replace that particular role in his life.  Even so, at least when his biological father does find out, he doesn't refuse the concept of having Jay as his son. I talked to mine once. He told me, (I think I was five years old) that I wasn't his daughter. Instead he wanted to talk to my sisters, who weren't even related to him. If I wasn't the person I am, I probably would have tracked him down before his death and demanded he see me in person. I did try once, but... couldn't get access to where he lived, so I gave up and just escaped further into fantasy.


So yeah. I'm messed up. Is it my fault? Maybe, but at the same time, how can an 8  year old be blamed for making up her own little world when nobody else will play with her? How can anyone be expected to cope when it feels like the lives of everyone else is perfect but their own is pathetic?

I wish I could sleep right now, but I just can't get comfortable enough.

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Comment by April Dawn Hale on July 14, 2013 at 1:36am

Kwan, I don't know... I'm short, seriously overweight, and not exactly what I would consider pretty to begin with as I don't slather on makeup due to not having the patience for it. I don't think anyone thinks of that when they think of somebody named April.

Maybe it might happen more to you but I seriously don't know you or your name. Is it Kwan or is that just a screen name? You could always change it. I could too, except I feel like I would be betraying my mother and I already did enough of that throughout my life. 


Also, I was bitterly depressed when I wrote this. I've just cycled into a Manic Episode yesterday evening which makes me feel like I shouldn't have posted this when I did. 

Right now I can't sleep, despite having roleplayed with my friend who is staying the night. I am too hot, too energetic even though my eyes are feeling tired and I keep thinking about what my friend told me earlier when we were talking about employment. She thinks I need to apply for disability lifeline program again. There won't be cash assistance but I could get help with my bipolar disorder again and possibily get help with finding work and coaching to help make work situations work out instead of just losing a job within a month like the last two I've had.

I did hear back from the store I did the application to in-store. They at least had the courtesy to let me know via email that they no longer had any positions available. I need to get my butt busting on those other applications... However I'm not in the right frame of mind for them. I'm too easily distracted. Right now I'm struggling to keep my mind focused on typing this reply.

Comment by KwanKwan on July 13, 2013 at 1:29pm

well April dawn i have to say you almost exactly mirror my life. When i was younger i had friends but then they started to move away and i felt lonely so i relied on fantasy way more than normal kids do. By age 11 i was going through some serious health and mental stuff so that made it worse. 

i also have problems with standing up for myself and it seems like when i do, i'm a bitch! that's honestly how people react. its ridiculous. I wish i could close my eyes, lay down and fall asleep until life is worth living. i'm 17 by the way.

Also, i have a problem with my name too. My name is what most people would call "ghetto". So its ironic how you think ur name hampers your job applications when thats more likely to happen to me than you. ur name is ironic but i actually like it. idk, to each its own i guess.

i wish there was like a pill to make us stop daydreaming. its ruining my life.

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