I was reminded of the reason I left the real world originally

A few weeks a young lady made comments about me that really hurt me and are the main reason I think I started daydreaming in the first place. 

She says “we (her and the other three girls) are sometimes excited, we get angry we get irritable but you…you are always (she tries to find the right words…moving her hand horizontally across the air like a flat plane), you are always neutral.” She explains what she means. Throughout this I want to start crying. I know what she means. I know that I appear flat, with no emotions or personality on the outside even though I experience all emotions inside. I just can’t express it. Although I know this, I still feel extremely hurt when someone says this, especially in front of others. How am I supposed to respond to this. If I met someone like me I wouldn't comment on it or ask them “Can you get angry?” “ Can you shout” “Can you get excited”. 

On a different day, I have had more time in the presence of this lady and she sets up her next series of question. “We are open books. We are always talking about our families, our boyfriends and stuff but you…you have said nothing. I mean you talk, BUT never about your life.  We know nothing about you. Can you tell me something about your mom?” After the whole we are open books and you are closed, she asks me to tell them something and when I say I don’t know what to say she says, tell us about your mom. Now I am embarrassed, hurt and thinking about all the negative emotions I’ve felt my entire life about being alien. And I must now compose some sentences about my mom. 

I am aware of all the things she feels she needs to point out me. 

I am so aware of them that my brain as a child must have decided to create a world where I am open, friendly, emotional, outgoing and all other good things.

I have been trying to quit for several years now. I have been more successful lately.

Eretaia’s post about daydreaming being about not wanting to be yourself is especially true for me. (see “Yes, you can cure Maladaptive Daydreaming” under discussions section of this website). Although I have been successful at reducing dd, I have increased other forms of entertainment…meaning that I still avoid real life as before. My success has been through brute force rather then tacking the real or deeper issues.

I need to either 

  1. Accept who I am including the stuff that makes me feel alien and has other people asking me questions that essentially mean “you are not normal”. Accept all of this and work on developing other talents and hobbies. 
  2. Learn to be more “normal”. Seriously improve my people skills. I know that my talking has improved significantly since I was a child and that was all learnt.. Maybe I can put more effort in talking about myself and expressing emotions. 

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Comment by Amanda Lewone on July 3, 2015 at 6:58am

Thanks for the comments!

@Eretaia

It's funny that you say that the woman who can't get angry is not me. I read this the first day you commented and found it quite puzzling and somewhat liberating. I have never thought of it that way. That that is not me. Thanks for that. I don't know how it will help me but just that thought alone will take me on a different path. 

I need to explode. That's interesting. I see how anger can help with connecting with myself. It's an emotion that funny enough makes me less anxious and less self conscious. I guess more situations like I had with this woman are ultimately positive. But not too many people are like her, most people I think are more cautious around me and maybe prefer to say nothing.

@pritasha...

Yes, I have felt lost for a long time. 

I will consciously try to say something when this happens again. The problem is that I start to feel shaky and just generally unable to express myself when I feel hurt or angry at someone. My mouth goes dry as well. It's like the physiological symptoms make it harder to express myself in those moments. I will make an effort though. It seems that this may be a channel to being myself in the real world. 

Comment by pritasha on June 26, 2015 at 12:37pm
Completely agree with Erataia's comment!
Comment by pritasha on June 26, 2015 at 12:35pm
I have always been pretty lost since i was a child, not wanting to mix around with people. because i was shy, but also because i had been creating this dream world version of events in my life that i found far more interesting to involve myself with.

So, just like you, i was often asked by all people of all ages why i was so lost, why i wasnt comfortable, a lot of times made fun of , and i'd feel really alienated. But the worst was yet to come and it came when all those people STOPPED asking me why i was lost. Like i was no longer even relevant.

Maybe if i had given in to the urge to respond or even retort back, i could have begun learning then how to at least stand up for myself and be who i was rather than alienating me from my own self even further till i couldnt identify who i was or what i wanted. Luckily, i have good people with me who helped me with my low self esteem, but if you're facing something like this, take it as an opportunity to break out of that zone youre in and to start being confortable with yourself. It'll help you find your place in this huuge world gradually.
(If you feel how i felt)

Like robin williams said in Dead Poets Society :p :, the longer you wait to find your voice, the less likely you are to find it at all
All the best! !
Comment by Eretaia on June 26, 2015 at 7:36am

When you say “I'm not normal”, you're referring to the woman who can't get angry, who can't shout and who can't get excited. But this woman who can't get angry, who is emotionally flat and who is an alien is not you. You are where your feelings are and even when the world you made up is completely false, it's truer than the world you're physically living in in terms of feelings. So don't conform. Don't put up with anything that makes you feel alien because that's ultimately not you. When it comes to accepting uncomfortable things about yourself, you should only acknowledge and accept their presence in order to overcome them but never mistake them for your true and ultimate identity. Overly sensitive people like you who are ice on the outside and fire on the inside need just one thing to break this inner conflict: to explode. This young lady (as much as I'd like to punch her in the face) almost did you a favor - she made you angry in a way. The more someone challenges and hits you where it hurts most, the more likely you're to drop out of your comfort zone and the more you drop out of the comfort zone, the more likely you're to explode and that's when the fire inside starts overriding the ice on the outside. It's initially uncomfortable and destructive, even self-destructive but anger can be the most purifying emotion for someone who has been stuck in the freeze mode.

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