I'm new and this is my 1st blog post

[J Noland]

Here is a back story about me. I have gained alot of insight reading about the other DD'ers here so maybe this will help someone too. I am nearly 38, female, divorced, no kids.

I am new to this site so I hope I'm posting properly. I am meaning for this to be a blog post to introduce myself to people who want to get to know me, I'm sorry if it goes out to everyone as a blanket post.

I have been daydreaming ever since I can remember a conscious thought. I was not abused as a child (as much as I can remember) and I think I had a safe and loving family. My father was at work most of the time but he was very good to me and I never had to fear anything from him. If  he were alive today I would tell him about my DD'ing and I think he would either be understanding or admit to doing the same thing.  My mother has always been very loving but she is very judgmental of people who do things she considers "frivolous." Like people who go to college for music or acting. She can be very empathetic but never fails to mention if someone has gained weight, aged, or any other common fault. She does this to herself as well. My only sibling is my sister who looks like my mother and has similar behaviors. I think my mother "championed" my sister when we were growing up as being the ideal child. I recall being *told* at an early age that I was more interested in facts and that I liked being alone. I don't know if I liked being alone because I was told I did or if it was a natural thing. I remember being a very talkative child. I was the dominant one in my group of friends. But I always had to have time to listen to music and would sit in a rocking chair and daydream for hours. When I was very young I had an old couch in my bedroom that I would "rock" in. My mother recalls finding me asleep on the couch in the mornings because I would be up at night day dreaming.

 I would dd vivid nightmare scenarios that caused me great distress as a little girl. I was too afraid to sleep in my own bed alone and usually slept on my parents bedroom floor. I remember trying to "cook" myself with my electric blanket because I was so scared.

 We moved to a different state when I was almost a teenager. I felt very alone and retreated to my fantasy world. I would be up late at night dd'ing and was often late for school and would talk my mother into letting me stay home as often as possible. I made few friends in school, usually one or two good friends and the rest were just kind of there. I realized as a teenager that the dd'ing was out of control but it was such a haven that I didn't care. I was very depressed and often suicidal. It was easy to slip into a dream and I believe it saved my life several times.

 I have usually been able to live as a normal person outwardly. Unfortunately I used other people's cues and advice to guide me to what normal people do. This led to some regrettable promiscuity, social affiliations, and eventually marriage. I have never gotten in trouble with the law or done anything that might be considered permanent or life changing. Luckily. I hope to help someone else avoid that sort of problem. I have never wanted to have children nor have I accidentally become pregnant which is a relief to me. Some people are saved by the sudden arrival of a child but I could not manage the enormous responsibilty. I guess I consider my dd'ing to be selfish and when I need to do it, well I'll find a way.

 My marriage was doomed from day one. He was a compulsive gamer, jealous, and mean drunk. I had retreated so far into my mind that every emotion I showed was pure numbness. After I finally ended the marriage I was so happy I lived in the here and now for several months, years even! I got so much done. Got an education enough to be self reliant and landed a great job that I still have. But the dd'ing always came back eventually.

 Most of my dd's are of me in my perfect vision. I get older, I change but I'm idealised. There is usually a romantic intrest; mainly one actor that has aged with me over the years. Sometimes there are other "fantasy boyfriends." Sometimes I am very strong, sometimes weak, sometimes good, bad, tortured, heroic, pathetic, all things at any time. I feel real emotions during my dreams. I have lived whole lifetimes. It's funny on Mondays when people at work ask me what I did on the weekend. What would they think if I said "Oh well I found out I was secretly stolen from my real family and was just reunited and inherited a vast mysterious castle in a land you've never heard of, or I was kidknapped my a deranged serial killer, the world was thrown into mass chaos by a war of epic proprtions and I was helping a band of rebels save us all. How was your weekend? LOL.

 I go from loving my dreams to hating myself because I'm wasting my life on things that are not real. Why not just live a real life? Learn French, volunteer, drive to the Grand Canyon! It was about a week ago when I was coming out of a big dd binge I looked up daydreaming on the web and here you were. My whole life's questions and isolation explained in perfect ways by so many people. I never imagined that there could be so instantly anyone who understood all of this. No one else in my life knows about this. I could tell my best friend but I'm too afraid to yet. I know she would be so supportive but I need to just revel in the understanding of these anonymous accounts first. I've spent my whole life ashamed and it has only been one week that I've known there are even just a handful of other people just like me out there!

[J Noland]

I'll be trying to focus today. I'm going to call my doc and see about getting referred to a psychiatrist to see if I can get some clarity or something. Deep breath!

[ThisIsNotAName]

you're welcome! oh nice weekend!!!

I was waiting for the bus as every morning and I saved a child that was left in the stroller and was heading the road! oh then I socialized with the mother and she taken care of me over the years.. obviously in my mind!:)