I lost the most important year of my life to MD.

I'm a 17 year old, who's just finished schooling. My final examinations got over last month and I'm currently preparing for the competitive exams, more like trying to prepare for them. I haven't been able to study properly for the past one year and I still can't focus. I'd taken therapy last year to treat a mental health issue but just as the therapy got over, I fell into this trap of MD. And I haven't told anyone about this because I have a very strong feeling that nobody will understand. Nobody sees daydreaming as a serious problem. I've spent so many hours in the past year just daydreaming(mostly in the washroom, so nobody can catch me doing it or interrupt me). And, it's getting worse. I've started loving it much more than my reality. I seem to forget that my daydreams are not real. It's like I'm waiting for something that's literally never going to happen, and that waiting has lowered my patience drastically. But my daydreams aren't always positive, at times, they make me cry too. I don't feel good about having MD, it makes me feel like I'm dumb and an underachiever. My mental health has  been horrible for the past four years, but MD is the thing that's affecting me, especially my studies, the most. I've always been an ambitious person, but I'm not able to work towards achieving my goals. And I feel terrible for not working hard, while people out there are creating the life of their dreams, I lay in bed daydreaming. I've been trying to quit doing this but I just can't. I really need help. I don't know if anybody can relate to me, but Thank You to anyone who took out their time to read this.

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Comment by SKG on August 23, 2022 at 12:04pm

@JessicaBallantyne You are one brave person. Keep going, things will eventually fall into place. And remember, "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."- read this somewhere long back...always gives me strength whenever I feel lost in pain.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on August 20, 2022 at 7:55pm

You have no idea how disappointing my past has been. Or maybe I struggled to share the same interests as others. But I'm still willing to pursue a much better future.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on August 20, 2022 at 7:51pm

Yes basically, everybody judged me. I'm not a jabber jaws or anything. I'm always thinking and I forget that I should be talking. I spent years and years just dwelling in my head. Most people look out of themselves, and are "here" and like to converse with others most times. Something I struggle to do everyday of my life. I lost a lot of people for this reason...They can't do anything with me. They simply just don't find me interactive. That's why I picked up MD, to replace that loss and frustration. 

Comment by SKG on August 20, 2022 at 10:29am

@JessicaBallantyne That's what people do. They judge you but never ask how you are. You've to be a tiny bit selfish when it comes to taking care of your mental health which is only harming you.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on August 17, 2022 at 5:48am

You're right, I should strive no matter what somebody else thinks.This was bound to happen. I was so young that I couldn't stand up for myself. I got judged for how I appeared and acted on the outside, but nobody saw what was truly underneath. I had trouble proving them wrong. I was so very quiet and humble. These crowds of people have walked out of my life years since. Who cares? So I have a clean sleight ahead and can freely judge for myself about what I want and where I'm going. I'll take your word for it. 

Comment by EmíliaSchwartz on August 16, 2022 at 9:13pm

Pois eu amo meu "modo MD". Você estar sendo muito dura consigo mesma, releve e tente relaxar ao sonhar! Ensino médio e faculdade não é o fim do mundo, e tbm não irá definir quem é você.... o mundo sempre vai querer te vender uma vida feliz e cheia de compromissos. Tudo é uma escolha.... e se for preciso ligue o modo foda=se!!!

Comment by SKG on July 26, 2022 at 1:18am

@JessicaBallantyne I'm truly sorry that you're going through this. But just thinking that you have no other option than to live the life you have now is not something you should do. I know your experiences are greater and older than mine but my parents always tell me to keep striving to get what I want, and that I'll get it at the right time even if I have to wait for it longer than expected. You too should keep striving for what you initially wanted. Life isn't over till we're breathing, stay strong and keep going...

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 25, 2022 at 5:57pm

Loving fantasy more than reality is wonderful to anybody who does MD. I can understand that you strongly believe in your daydreams to a degree you hope for them to materialize before your very eyes. In spite, I stopped consistent maladaptive daydreaming, I'm indeed still a dreamer. I still carry a certain belief system and catch myself projecting emotions at inappropriate moments. But I feel that my mental health sucked away a life I could've had—which is terrible. Over the years people have found me incapable of interacting and exchanging a verbal conversation. I seemed to be living a fantasy life—over a real life. I shook awake from that MD slumber, but now open my eyes to a life I really don't want. If I had payed attention, took very good advice and did the right things for myself—alive and awake—I probably would've had it better today. It's such a head shaker on my part and I feel that I deserve what I got. My point is something that seems so delectable and inviting at first may just screw you down as a conclusion. Do focus in school and focus on real people. Don't let something so unreal fool you to a point you're not living at all. I'm shocked at what became of my future. I expected far, far, far better than what I'm seeing. To top it off—it wasn't hard for many people, including my mom, to discover that I actually do this. 

Comment by SKG on July 24, 2022 at 9:55am

You're right. It's tough. Frustrating at times, but I'm trying. Hopefully, won't take forever to figure all this out.

Thankyou for your insightful words..

Comment by Camoran on July 24, 2022 at 7:28am

Figuring out why it happens can be extremely difficult, in no small part because you'd be digging up pieces of your mind that have been sealed off from your attention, for your own safety. There's also a good chance that you don't have the luxury of dealing with only one root cause, but a combination of factors, which further complicates things.

MDD is ultimately (from what I understand) a defensive mechanism which kicks in when your brain runs into impossibilities. If those impossibilities get bigger and scarier, the response gets more intense.
I'll hazard a guess that the conflict between your reality and your aspirations has grown deeper over the years, so it makes sense that it'd be more noticeable now.

Are you absolutely sure that you're chasing specific things you want out of your life? Could it be instead that you're after what you think those things would make you feel? The difference is crucial.
No need to tell me. The answer belongs to you first and foremost.

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