Where wild minds come to rest
I'm Ana, a sixteen year-old, and before today I firmly believed I had a weird variation of ADD, and was somewhat gifted with an overly vivid imagination. However, after googling my symptoms (something I, to some extent, regret) I found out I might have MD. Actually, I'm pretty certain of it . . .
Contrary to some people I can say I've had this "issue" for as long as I can remember. Since a toddler, I remember being able to go into my imaginary world - where I was a power ranger, or where I saved Peter Pan, again and again. Nobody saw that as an issue. After all, I was a three-year old. Running up and down aimlessly was normal. I thought so too.
The first time I noticed something wasn't quite so well with me was in kindergarden when I got grounded for pushing a boy - who was driving a weird plastic tricycle - to the ground. Thing is, I don't remember doing it, I was in my world and didn't see he was in my way. That was the moment I learnt I had to control my daydreams in public and that "daydreaming" was something I could only do at home.
Also, in Kindergarden I was diagnosed with ADD, by my "teacher"/care-taker. My parents never went to a doctor to confirm it, always believing whatever I had was due to it. Well, my mother and I believed so, my Dad always thought me having "something wrong" was ludicrious.
I've never had any trauma that could've led me to this either. When young my parents emigrated, but I know I had been doing this before. And while I might have felt stressed after moving I don't believe it caused the problem. I actually think It toned it down. In my new "home" I had a cousin my age I could play with and didn't feel as bored. I often told my Mom I went to "my world" when I was bored . . .
As I grew older people - especially my grandparents, with whom I lived with - told me 'running around doing crazy faces' wasn't normal and I should stop it. I did. To them. In fact I started "ridding bicycle" in the safety of my garden. There, where nobody thought of my activities as weird, I would still daydream.
Eventually I stopped the farce. I think it was when I got sick and couldn't ride bicycle . . . the point is, my family learnt to accept it. And I learnt how to call it "ADD". I never "run around" in public and I can stop for two-weeks, when I go on holiday with friends/other family, while feeling perfectly fine. I believe it's because I'm having fun enjoying real life. However during the third week (I've never stopped for a longer period of time) I get extremely cranky and need to sometimes isolate myself - in the restroom, in the bedroom - and go into my daydreaming zone. Even if my movements and immersion state is much lower.
I guess I can see why some call this an addiction.
Academically I've always known how to control it. Until now. I'm a junior in a Sciences course and because of the stress I'm subjected to I've spiraled out of control . . . I can't stop daydreaming, I can't focus, I can't study, I get anxiety attacks, I hate myself for not being able to stop, to FOCUS.
Today I was googling into ADD again, trying to see if someone had the same problem, and I found about MD. I felt myself nodding towards all the symptoms and then had an hysteria attack after showing it to my mother who agreed with the symptoms. I felt hysterical because I knew this is what I have, I knew I no longer could call it ADD, but some weird mental problem that isn't recognized by the medical community and I felt scared.
I realized daydreaming really has become an addiction to me and is stopping me from living life, from studying and from focusing on my work.
After googling more into the subject I felt my anxiety rise, because, while I somehow felt relieved there where people like me, really like me (up till now I was somewhat scared I was the only one . . . I know. Ha!), I also found a lot of people self-diagnosing themselves with MD when they seem to have a mild case of daydreaming and I felt I myself was diagnosing myself with an "invented" disorder.
Except, for me, it's real. I feel I've lost the credibility in having a issue, a real issue, like I supposedly had with ADD (even though I never really had true ADD symptoms). Am I making sense?
Before today I'd never seen daydreaming as a bad, but as wonderful. I always felt so, so lucky to be able to have such a vivid imagination, be there, see it. Sometimes I saw my ideal-self and variations - and ideal-self with problems, might I add. . . Other times I imagined stories with other characters, some characters of my own, and characters from books, movies, etc . . .
But today, after realizing I had MD and it was affecting my life, I kept feeling guilty and horrible and stupid and self-conscious that my grade dropping is MY FAULT. I don't know . . . I feel confused.
Also, I do agree writing is a great outlet, though I never type my daydreams down. I can never replicate them without getting frustrated. However, It does make me occupied, though I don't find it a cure. Just something I love to do which stimulates my creativity. Yeah, I'm a teen fanfiction addict. ^__~
Okay . . . this post is confusing. I hope somebody understood whatever I tried to say. I hope I'm not the only one.
P.S. I also have OCD. I'm clinging to it, since it's "accepted" in the medical community. I'm just pointing that out since I found a lot of people with MD tend to have OCD too. AND I apologize if I'm not doing this right, or posted in the wrong place. Also, sorry for mixed up tenses and typos. English is not my mother-tongue.