Where wild minds come to rest
I've had MD since I can remember and never saw it as a torment, just something that made me different. Of course for many of those years I believed I had ADHD. . . I only started seeing (and accepting) the negative effects MD has in my life after seeing forums and learning what MD was (and that I had it).
It always came to be as a sort of 'blessing' to have the capability to imagine such vivid things. It's so much fun! I'm never bored and - wow - I can see so much! I love to write, to read, to draw and I feel that MD really broadens my creative horizons.
Problem is, as an addiction, sometimes it's hard to stop. AND SOMETIMES I wish (really wish) I could turn it out and life life 100% instead of the 50% I force myself to endure.
For my high-school "course" I opted for the Sciences field. I didn't really want it, but my grades were good and my parents ended up selling the idea that humanities was a waste of time since I did well in school. How I regret going for what they said. . .
I hate every single subject (well almost every single subject) in this course and am always daydreaming through the classes. Sure that in most of them if I study at home and read whatever we waste time giving in class I manage good grades, but I'm horrible in Chemistry and in Physics.
I don't understand it on my own and it's been torture having it for the last two years. FINALLY I can drop it, but to pass high-school and go to university I need to pass the exam (have at least 4/20). While it might seem easy it really isn't (at least for me). The exams are sooo hard. The countries average is terrible at it and quite honestly I think they ask too much of us.
Worst is: I can't seem to focus enough to properly study. Every twenty minutes I feel a "pull" to give into MD. It's horrible and frustrating and makes me want to pull my hair out. I can't help it and it's terrible! I feel useless and hate myself for not being stronger.
I sometimes ponder buying a pack of cigarettes and just smoking it all. Cigarettes often help me staying focused. (It's quite normal here in Portugal for people to smoke from a young age - 14/15 (though most try it out at 12) if they want to). BUT it's a nasty habit and I don't want to fall into that too.
I just feel . . . frustrated. Yeah.
On top of everything I finally decided what I want to do with my life. Well, okay, I haven't: but I've set an idea. I'd adore to take journalism. I know, job opportunities are kind of bad there but I do believe that if you're good you can succeed. Or at least I want to believe so. After being put second/third/forth in favor of favoritism and money I don't believe it so much anymore (but that's a rant for another day).
The point of this entire ramble (at first) was that while I love MD and can't see myself doing without it (even though sometimes I wish I could), I often feel that I'm forcing myself to live my life. Forcing myself to go out (because I know that once I'm there I will have a good time), etc . . . And while I love my MD worlds the thing is even with their faults and vividness they will never be the real thing . . .
Urgh! I'm confused. I'm going to try to force some studying into me.
P.S. Sorry for any typos. English is not my mother-tongue.
(And thank you to anyone who went to the trouble of actually reading all of this).