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[Rant] Exams, future & MD -- (Sometimes I hate it).

I've had MD since I can remember and never saw it as a torment, just something that made me different. Of course for many of those years I believed I had ADHD. . . I only started seeing (and accepting) the negative effects MD has in my life after seeing forums and learning what MD was (and that I had it).


It always came to be as a sort of  'blessing' to have the capability to imagine such vivid things. It's so much fun! I'm never bored and - wow - I can see so much! I love to write, to read, to draw and I feel that MD really broadens my creative horizons.


Problem is, as an addiction, sometimes it's hard to stop. AND SOMETIMES I wish (really wish) I could turn it out and life life 100% instead of the 50% I force myself to endure.


For my high-school "course" I opted for the Sciences field. I didn't really want it, but my grades were good and my parents ended up selling the idea that humanities was a waste of time since I did well in school. How I regret going for what they said. . .


I hate every single subject (well almost every single subject) in this course and am always daydreaming through the classes. Sure that in most of them if I study at home and read whatever we waste time giving in class I manage good grades, but I'm horrible in Chemistry and in Physics.


I don't understand it on my own and it's been torture having it for the last two years. FINALLY I can drop it, but to pass high-school and go to university I need to pass the exam (have at least 4/20). While it might seem easy it really isn't (at least for me). The exams are sooo hard. The countries average is terrible at it and quite honestly I think they ask too much of us.


Worst is: I can't seem to focus enough to properly study. Every twenty minutes I feel a "pull" to give into MD. It's horrible and frustrating and makes me want to pull my hair out. I can't help it and it's terrible! I feel useless and hate myself for not being stronger.


I sometimes ponder buying a pack of cigarettes and just smoking it all. Cigarettes often help me staying focused. (It's quite normal here in Portugal for people to smoke from a young age - 14/15 (though most try it out at 12) if they want to). BUT it's a nasty habit and I don't want to fall into that too.


I just feel . . . frustrated. Yeah.


On top of everything I finally decided what I want to do with my life. Well, okay, I haven't: but I've set an idea. I'd adore to take journalism. I know, job opportunities are kind of bad there but I do believe that if you're good you can succeed. Or at least I want to believe so. After being put second/third/forth in favor of  favoritism and money I don't believe it so much anymore (but that's a rant for another day).


The point of this entire ramble (at first) was that while I love MD and can't see myself doing without it (even though sometimes I wish I could), I often feel that I'm forcing myself to live my life. Forcing myself to go out (because I know that once I'm there I will have a good time), etc . . . And while I love my MD worlds the thing is even with their faults and vividness they will never be the real thing . . .


Urgh! I'm confused. I'm going to try to force some studying into me. 


P.S. Sorry for any typos. English is not my mother-tongue.

(And thank you to anyone who went to the trouble of actually reading all of this).

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Comment by Petunia on July 6, 2011 at 9:23am
I am sorry your MD is taking over and you are unable to concentrate on studying, when passing the exam is so important. I don't have any advice, sorry, but I certainly wish you well!
Comment by FlyingSkies on July 6, 2011 at 3:43am

This might sound cruel, but am happy that (again) im not the only person with this problem. It cost me my studies by daydreaming too much and it affects to this day my everyday life. Ironically im more willstronged now, brcause i know that i have hope by listening to all your stories about MD. aND IM TRYING BY THE GRACE Of g, TO BACK TO SCHOOL. It's hard, and what you said about life. I was out with friends yesterday in town and i really felt happy being around other people, joking, and all that suff, and not feeling overlyinsecure about the way i looked and felt.


I decided to walk home from the centre just so that i was able to 1. get the exercise i needed, cause ei just sit on my butt all day. and 2. to see and observere other people as you walking (not in the stalkerish way). I do this once in a while, but when im home i go back to DD. It is constant for me, because i dont have that many responsibilites in 'reality'. 

PS i went to Portugal last summer for holiday. Beautiful place!

Comment by Angel on July 2, 2011 at 6:03pm

I often feel that I'm forcing myself to live my life.


This one little thing you said speaks volumes.  I have felt it too.  Sometimes you have to force yourself to do everything.  In school it was hard to keep on task and study.  Even now I'm older, trying to read a book for pleasure I often have to force myself to concentrate, or reread a sentence or a page multiple times until it registers.
Comment by Bee on June 27, 2011 at 2:31pm

I totally agree with Delorean. I use to do 3o minutes with a 15 minute break  when I was at uni. I found that if I tried to do longer periods my mind would just wander and I'd spend 20 minutes reading the same sentence! Also I would recommend using loads of colour pens and symbols when studying, I find that with my MD, I have execellent recall when stuff  pops out at me. 


My hubby and I both  studied journalism and if that's what you want to do, it can be a highly rewarding (and challenging ) career. And even if you decide to a journalism course after uni, your science background will be a great asset.  Media companies love science majors, there's just not enough journalists who understand the field.


Btw I would recommend helping out at a local paper or radio station to see if it's something you would like to do, locals adore free interns! :o)))

Comment by Anaa on June 27, 2011 at 12:38pm

@Delorean Jones : Yeah, I think I do much better with the literature group.


To be honest I'm quite good at Philosophy because I can memorize it well. I also used to be pretty good at History though, unfortunately, I dropped it. If I don't get a good enough grade with my Portuguese exam (one of the requirements for Uni), I'm going to try and take the History exam. It'll be insane to study, but I'm one of those weird people who love History to bits. 


I can't really do the constant breaks, though. I get anxious and prefer to get it off and done (if that makes sense). Of course I take breaks . . . Just not as often. I should try that out, though!


I'd love to share some articles. If I do something interesting I'll be sure to send you it. ^__~ I haven't really have much opportunities in the recent past.


@James : Me too! They're tomorrow. I'm beyond worried, but I do think I did my best.


I don't think I'll pass now, but I have hopes that if I manage to get someone insane enough to tutor me and don't stop the study rhythm and I can pass the second faze. That's how we do it here. The second faze grade can't be used for college applications, but I don't really intend to use it anyway. I just want to pass!


AND thank you to the both of you! :D 

Comment by Delorean Jones on June 27, 2011 at 11:29am
I would like to see your articles! Why don't you write a few and post them up somewhere? I'm gonna print out my own little magazine and distribute it in mah hometown for fun, a story from Portugal would be quite a catch.
Comment by Delorean Jones on June 27, 2011 at 11:27am

I've found out recently that whenever I feel like i'm just not good at something, I can actually still learn it at an advanced rate, faster than "average" just that I'm used to being able to learn more abstract ideas and concepts (literature, philosophy, music) much quicker than solid ones. There's a frustration when you compare the learning speed. This frustration kills the learning process, as it introduces stress and joylessness. 


This sounds weird but, use your Daydreaming to enjoy  learning whatever. Give it a good 20-30 of calm focus minutes and you'll see changes. You can stop, take a break for 15, then study for 20. It'll probably sink into your head much deeper than average. I started linking physics to abstract concepts of universal truths and it's been a lot more interesting.


The bottom line is, you're brain-spoiled. You don't know how much mental wealth you got. You get frustrated just cuase it takes a bit LONGER to really get than the few seconds it takes to speed read. Some people spend hours trying.


How do I know this? I'm the exact same way.

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