I'm a hungarian girl, who daydreams a lot. And when I say a lot, I mean all the time. I'm doing it since I was eight years old, I can't remember exactly. It's not about just imagining myself as successful, beautiful, or as a movie star... I have different characters representing me (various gender even), and I also have at least fifty more... with personalities, and unique stories. I created a complex world system, with dimensions, timelines and histories. 

It would be great if me and my best friend- almost only friend- could write a book together, using this overly active imagination of mine, (and her great writing and storytelling ability) because honestly, I can't do anything else with my life without getting discouraged or distracted. I have a Bachelor in Philosophy, specialization in Film theory and history, and I studied Art before. I'm currently studying International Relations (Master), and I know it's useful, finally something what would get me a job, but... 

The only thing what keeps me going forward (and no, not every time, because I fail and cry often...) is guilt, because I don't want to depend on my parents forever, but the promise of a boring life is killing me... Having beautiful fantasy moments is not enough, I have a great and dangerous desire to go to my own world or somehow bring it to this world, because I can not live like this, in this grey place. I can't concentrate, or give my heart in anything except daydreaming, writing or drawing, and I feel depressed all the time. Sometimes I just don't want to wake up anymore... Sometimes I feel special to have this ability, my frind is jealous of it, but on other days I'm disgusted about my uselessnes. 

Talking with other people is not impossible, but a problem for me, because even if I'm not bad at making small talk, it comes from anxiety and shyness, and I feel weird and terrified inside. My way of thinking is extremely complex and analytical, but it's difficult to express myself correctly. If I read something or watch something what disturbes me or get my attention, I often get up and start walking around in a big loop at fast speed in the house. It's almost automatic, and I can not stop until I calm down.

I live with my parents, but we barely talk, and I feel alone... I was always alone. I have memories from my childhood, laying on my bed and thinking, dreaming... I never went out to make real friends. It got better in high school (an art school) but I lost touch with my classmates. I don't know what would I do without my best friend, and those few friend I do have... I have a sister, but she's popular and successful, and I have no intention dragging her down and making her listen to my misery... and truth be told, she dosen't really have it in her to help me..

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Comment by Gin on June 11, 2013 at 7:36pm

Yes, I imagine that the artist community must be tough...But don't give up drawing if you like it!  And if you think you are made for writing, you definitely should do it! Being a journalist in the meantime is a good idea, a lot of writers were/are journalists too. I know a writer that works as a biologist! and writes children books (not related to biology at all)  :)

Comment by escarei on June 6, 2013 at 11:51pm

Thank you so much! I't a great feeling, knowing there are others like me, really. When I was little, first I thought everyone has a dreamworld or at least everyone daydreams all the time, and have imaginary friends etc. and when people around me told me that's not the case, it was a shock to me. I can't imagine what they're thinking in their free time, or when they travel and get bored... That was the first time I realized something is off, until then I thought I'm like anybody else... 

The problem with art is... I was in the artist community, and I saw what it's like, and it's cruel. I think everybody think an artist ( someone who paints or make designs etc.) is a calm person, who sits at home and expresses himself through drawing, but it's not like that. If it's like that, the person either will starve to death, or she/he is already succsessful. You can earn your living only if you're the best, if you're competitive or if your family name is already well know because your parent were artist too. My sister's doing it, she's a theathre stage designer (student) but she takes any job offer, and when I ask her- do you even know how to do that? did you ever done it before? - she said - no, but I'm confident and I will do it somehow anyway. Her easygoing and confident and competitive personality what makes her succsessful besides her talent. I'm not like her, that's why I want to be a writer, that way I really can have some peace, and I can still earn money if it's good... of course I'm not deluding myself... ok, well I do. But I think with my messed up mind I'm someone who's really made for this career. In the meantime, I thought I could be a journalist maybe, to earn some money.

I think it's great that you want to be a musician, and I hope you will succeed! It's hard work, standing on a stage in front of people, I realy respect you for doing, or trying to do something like this even if you're shy. 

Comment by Gin on June 6, 2013 at 4:27pm

I really understand you because I feel the same, I feel alone too and my daydreams always make me feel better, except for those times I realize that is all in my mind and I feel this "emptyness" in my chest. I'm really shy too, and for me is not easy to "connect" with people in real life. I also don't want to live in a "gray world", so I always keep daydreaming . I think it's awesome that you can draw and write about your daydreams and you should keep doing it, have you ever considerated doing it in a professional way? Or look for a job that is related to something artistic? Don't be discouraged if you think it's impossible, I think if you put your whole heart in it it will work. I say this because I'm doing it, I'm trying by best to put my daydreams in real life (I want to be a musician), it's difficult but I keep fighting!! Maybe you should try!

I hope this can help you and remember that you are not alone anymore! here there's a lot of people who understands you. I'm also new here :)

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