God+MDD+Night Terror+Spiritual Moment. I have added them all into one. Read my story.

[Sunshine]

I am sorry I have written a lot but I would like you all to hear my story. The first paragraph is on my experience with God helping me with stopping my MDD. The second paragraph is on my night terror that is linked to both God and my MDD. Wow I never really thought i was this religious until now! Please try and enjoy if possible.

 

 

I don't know what you guys would call a spiritual moment but I believe it is when you feel closer to God in a more earthly way and you feel a connection of some sort to him. Through out my MDD history I have asked God for help many times to help me stop my MDD and from my experience he does answer your prays. Every time I have stopped daydreaming it was with the help of God. I know this must sound crazy and over religious but it is true. On one occasion  I remember I was in church and I don't know why but I kept getting watery eyes and nearly crying, this happens to me a a lot in church for no reason even when I and really happy. In this service which was for the youth of the church the pastor asked for people who wanted to pray for something come to the front and the pray team will pray for them. So knowing I had have been having a lot of trouble with my MDD at that point I decided to go up. I didn't tell the person exactly my problem of course, how could I? I felt so ashamed because of my MMD. So I told her I didn't know what was wrong but there was something wrong, so she prayed for me that everything would be all right an that God would forgive me and I started to weep (actually have teary eyes right now by remembering her saying I am forgiven). I felt a burden taken off my shoulders, he forgave me! I don't know why but I felt like MDD was like a sin, always in the way of everything in my life but at that moment it was washed away, the grief and the uncertainty was gone. From that day onward I stopped daydreaming for a whole 2 or 3 weeks with no trouble at all! 2 to 3 weeks doesn't sound long but I am sure you all can understand that to us it is. Also I bet you all understand while trying to give it up it is unbearable and can feel like torture ( I have been through this, but remember not to give up!) But in those few weeks after I was forgiven I felt no unbearable feeling at all, my MDD was simply gone.  It was wonderful but I don't know were I went wrong because it came back. I have tried a few times since then to stop but I gave up and decided it wasn't to bad because I was eventually getting my work for school done anyway. But I always felt guilty afterwards or even during daydreaming. I felt like my daydreaming took higher ranking than God (I am Christian by the way, and it my religion it is bad to put anything before God). I apologies for being really religious to those who might find me crazy. I knew that God wanted me to stop, I  myself wanted to stop but I would always ignore the signs and messages God was sending me trying to help me stop. I knew he was telling me but I wouldn't listen. I love daydreaming! I don't know what I would do without it but I do realize this is a earthly desire and at my point in life I need to stop and take control of my life and actually DO something other than daydream.

 

Anyway to what I originally wanted to say until I got carried away. Today I had a night terror. It was really scary. But before I tell you what it is I need to tell you what lead up to it to give you the whole picture. For starters yesterday my earphones I use to listen to my music while I daydream were broken. The right ear piece didn't work. I was really pissed at this but i knew i had more anyway. And i did, i had two other pairs but both of there right earpieces didn't work either! All three of my headphones right earpieces were broken! I was so pissed so i decided to use my brothers, at this point i realized how obsessed i really was because now i was even stealing to continue my addiction! I should of taken my headphones as a sign but i didn't. That night before i went to sleep. You know that stage when before you fall asleep you see random images in your head or hear random words? That happened and the random words 'hear it' came into my head out of no where and kept repeating over and over. "hear what!?" i thought to myself. Effectually i fell asleep.  I can't remember everything but this is what i do remember. In my night terror i was in my room lying in my bed in the dark. Scary things kept happening. I remember a figure of a man appear next to me. At first i was praying it was my cat but it wasn't (probably was my cat in real life though as i seemed to be half awake and half asleep) i couldn't see him but could sense him and he came towards me, he seemed like a dark shadow in my nearly pitch black room. I tried to move but i couldn't, i tried to scream but i couldn't. All i could get out was a quiet raspy word 'mum!' out. I could feel my body in real life, that's why i couldn't move; my body was asleep. But before he gets to me i wake up...... in my dream. It was an never ending cycle. I would be lying in my bed scared out of my wits in the darkness. I constantly tried to get out of my room or call for my mum and constantly scary things would happen. It was torture. I remember trying to reach my door and I could slightly move even though i could still feel my real body resting were it really was in my bed. I crawled dragging my self to the door and over the end of my bed where a dark figure was. It was a demon and i started to 'try' and scream. In a quiet voice I told it to go away and i swore at it to leave me alone. I attempted to attack it but I woke up again..... in my dream, in the dark. I HATE the dark. Then the next thing that happened which was unusual, i actually got out of my room within the dream and into the bathroom. I felt chaotic and scared. I looked at myself in the mirror and my face was demented. I woke up again in my dream. This time i had had it! I went completely mad, i kept thinking to myself "WAKE UP! WAKE UP YOUR DREAMING!". I attempted to wake my self up forcing my body i could still feel in real life to move. But it didn't work.  I started going mad in my dream and smashing my head and face against my wall to try and wake myself up. If this was in real life i was so scared i would have killed myself. It was torture and I desperately wanted it to end. And at that moment i remembered the words that randomly stuck in my head before i fell asleep "hear it". So i did I blocked everything in my dream out. The image of my miserable, dark, horrific room was gone.  Everything went black and i listened. Instead of seeing my dream i heard it. All I could hear was my voice. I started to pray and plead to God to wake me up, i said i promised to try and stop daydreaming and i am really sorry. After i asked him to wake me up.... i did. Start away after i pleaded "please wake me up" i was back in the real world were i called for my mum for real this time. I believe this was an extreme measure to get the message I have been ignoring for a long time to finally get in to my brain and for me to listen. I have now started the beginning of my journey (again) for recovery.

 

To all that bothered to read this thank you! :)  I know it was a lot to read and I apologize.