Get Ready to Die

[Insomnyac]

Life is a structured chaos.

We live in a world which tends to believe that everything can be controlled. When you dig deep into the details though, you realize that there is hardly anything that you can control.

Yes, you can control the channels you want to watch at the TV or your room temperature, but when it comes to life, control starts to fade out.

The food and the water is poisoned, the sun causes cancer, the air is polluted, the car drivers are drunk and the infections are invisible. No one reflects on these things daily, but they are there and we depend on them. 

You can't eat a burger without thinking that maybe you'll get poisoned, you can't relax outside on a sunny day without thinking that maybe you'll get a skin cancer in a few years, you can't have sex with an attractive stranger without thinking that maybe you'll get AIDS from him/her, you can't travel by car from one city to another without thinking that maybe an intoxicated driver will hit you like a bullet ( remember, when it comes to get killed, it's not only about how YOU drive, but every other person who is on the road )  and you can't even breath without thinking " Damn, when will this air kill me ? " 

It's not a thriller movie situation- it is the present reality.

Life got tired of giving guarantee for the next day- It's over. Live as long as you can and consider yourself lucky that you are still living actually. Do you have something to complain about ? Cool, 'cuz guess what: the office is closed. The " right " to live is an illusion and your claims about living are irrelevant. 

While I was smoking my cigarette today I thought about throwing it away. Then I thought " What does it matter ? Safety is gone nowadays, so how can I bother with a drop of risk in the ocean of deadly possibilities ? "  Of course, don't get this wrong- no smoking commercial here. 

But this web of uncertainties makes a man think: can the word " self-care " be used in this life ? Does this word mean anything anymore ? Do we focus too much on planning instead of living, although wasting time is a sinful luxury in our circumstances  ?

Most importantly: do we acknowledge that we have the same chances to die in 30 years as well as in the next 5 minutes ? 

These questions made me somewhat disturbed when I first thought about them ( a few years ago to be more precise ). However, today I just feel. . . numb. 

A cold state of consciousness and raw awareness that the whole life is an insensitive Russian roulette and the old saying " Carpe Diem " probably makes the most sense now.  

[Insomnyac]

I know what you're saying. Morality is a relative term for me also. 

I see now the bad parts of good things and the good part of bad things. 

Everything is complex. Everything is twisted. 

It's exciting to discover that inside every thing that you know there is something that you don't know.

Paradoxically, the more you know, the more you realize that you know nothing.