First post

[Mel L]

So... I'm not quite sure what I was looking for when I signed up. I still don't know.

I read about Maladaptive Daydreaming today, and it really jumped out at me. How similar it is to me made me cry.

I've been looking for a while, looking for the reasons why I feel this way, and I feel this might be part of the answer...

I daydream, ever since I was a child. And it's getting worse, I think.

I usually daydream whenever I'm in bed, whether it be while trying to sleep, or when I wake up and can't find the energy to get up. I sometimes space out during classes, or when I'm reading a book, and daydream then. I don't usually act out my daydreams, though I've caught myself crying/putting on a face sometimes, usually while I'm half-asleep.

I don't daydream a lot during the daytime. I have my video games to keep me occupied and they take up most of my time. And while I don't daydream at those times, I devote my entire time to them, and it's taking a toll on my "real" life.

I may not have Maladaptive Daydreaming. I don't daydream as much as most of you, I think. But I do reject my own reality, and I'd much, much rather spend my time, and my life, in my fantasies, whether they be video games-induced or daydreaming-induced.

In my daydreams, I have this character that's me, while also being separate. She's the one I'd like to be but, know am not. My daydreams' world and settings changes quite often. When I was younger I'd take the elements of animes, mangas, movies, books or games I'd played/read/watched last and incorporate them in my daydreams. Nowadays, I often make my own worlds, but they still change often, so they're not very elaborate. My character changes a lot between these different settings, while still being the same at the core. Her appearance's more or less always the same, and her personality doesn't fluctuate much either.

I don't know what to do about myself. It feels like I have so many things to change about myself to get better, and it feels so huge a step that I immediately back down before I've even begun. Sometimes I get a little motivation boost and I'll start trying to better myself, but it has always failed miserably.

Currently, I am 19 years old, studying IT in college, living on my own with my boyfriend. I have a lot of trouble in school. I had to repeat a year because I failed two classes and I'm barely keeping my notes afloat. I quit my two years job back in September because I couldn't take it any more. My parents are helping me financially on the promise that I'll find myself another job, but I have yet to apply anywhere. I have trouble doing what is required of me, whether it be looking for a job, doing my homework, doing household chores, cooking for my boyfriend and I, keeping up relations with my friends... I procrastinate and do nothing else but waste my life away in my games and my daydreams.

I've truly let myself go these past years. I have about a hundred pounds to shed and I don't have the motivation nor the energy to start, and keep going. Every attempts in the past years have failed. I know what I should be doing but it doesn't tempt me in the slightest.

My relationship with my boyfriend's kinda rocky, too. I know he wants to help me become a better person than I am, and to overcome my fears and my daydreaming tendancies, but it feels like he just doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that I can't just get out there and do my things and everything will be alright. He doesn't understand that overcoming my desire to daydream and game isn't as easy as 1 - 2 - 3. It feels like nobody understands.

He says he was depressed at some point, and says he understands me. He said he just kicked himself in the butt and did what he had to do, and he overcome his depression that way. I feel he misses the point entirely. Kudos to him, but I just can't do the same.

I've grown really bad-tempered towards him, and I hate myself for it. I also hate myself for feeling awkward around my parents and neglecting them. I hate myself for not talking to my friends more. I hate myself for not doing what I should and wasting my life. I hate myself for thinking that everything would be easier if I had never been there to begin with.

I spoke with my doctor, and I have regular appointments with a psychologist. The first one wasn't helpful, and the other I'm still working with. I don't think I've told her everything I should have. I tend to remember these things only when I'm in a bad period. A period like this one, where I remember why I feel so helpless and lost and scared and angry.

I have good periods. Sometimes I have lots and lots of energy, and I love doing projects and activities with my boyfriend and my friends. Periods where I'm really outgoing and friendly. These only last a day or a week tops. At other times, I'm a loner who's angry at everyone and where I'd rather not talk to anyone, and get absorbed in my fantasies. I know I've had at least a case or two of full-blown depression, too.

Everything here has been going on for most of my life. I remember thinking about committing suicide at least twice. Once when I was a kid, and the other when I was a teenager or, well, around 14-15 years of age. I've always thought it was normal, the way I felt. I'd heard from my parents and other people as well that the teenage years were rough and angsty. I've never sought help, only confort I was feeling really down. It's only in the recent years that everything seems to have crashed down, that so many responsibilities are required of me and I've never been prepared for them. I just want to retreat in my own mind and forget the rest.

My psychologist thinks I might have Dysthymia. She said this the last time I saw her, before Christmas, and my next's appointment this week, so I'll see how this unfolds.

I know this whole post turned angsty and depressing, not in line with this website's mission. I think, though, that it's my need to daydream and forget the reality that's at the root, or at least part of it, of my situation.

I may not have my place here. I don't really know where it is. Only time will tell.

Simply writing this has been a great outlet to vent. I'd be honored if only one person would be brave enough to read it, and comment. To tell me I'm not alone. To tell me I might have hope of someday getting better. There are days where I just don't believe it.

[The1andonlyAbber]

My advice is to try and cut back on the games first. Cutting back on video games will be easier than cutting back on daydreaming, and so it will help you get ready to stop daydreaming. Also, I've found that as long as I limit the amount of time I spend daydreaming, I don't need to get rid of it entirely because it helps me relax and let out my emotions. Maybe if you stop/cut back on playing video games, you won't even need to stop daydreaming altogether. You already said you spend more time playing video games than daydreaming.

tl;dr: try to play less video games first and see what happens

[Mel L]

@Sandra : Thank you for your support, it's really appreciated <3

@Dassa : Wow, I wouldn't have even dared dream of meeting someone like myself here ! Thank you for your support :)

[Kema]

Hi! I'm new too, and while our story may not me the same we have like the same profile, I'm too studying something tech-related, 19 years old, grab elements form mangas and movies and this up and downs periods, I just want to tell you that you are absolutely not alone, not for a minute, and if you ever want to talk you will find a friend on me (:

[Sandra]

Hi. Welcome. Your story sounds very familiar. You are not alone here. Share whatever you want to. The things you are feeling may seem odd to people that aren't like you but a lot of people here are just like you. Or have been at one point or another

[Mel L]

@Cordellia : Thank you for your kind support. I hadn't thought someone would actually comment, and this fast too. I do plan on bringing this up with my psychologist. Sometime. Maybe when the dysthymia's sorted out ? I do think I'll try a couple of those tips you've mentionned, in the meantime.

@Amari : Thank you. I haven't actually told him everything, especially as he doesn't really understand, and I have trouble expressing myself while speaking. Writing's easier to me, it would seem. Maybe my daydreaming won't get better, but I seem to have other issues that I do hope get fixed. I'm talking about my possible dysthymia and lack of motivation. Any little change for the better would be nice, at this point.

[Amari]

I don't think this goes against this website's mission at all! To me, the point is to share/help people who are going through tough times with daydreaming. The people here are nice and understanding so I think it's perfect for you!

As for your actual post, so sorry that you and your boyfriend are having a rough time. It's good that you at least told him..I can't imagine how the people in my life would react. I'm basically right there with you where knelt so alone having my dreams.

Maladaptive daydreaming is a new thing right now, so there are no ways to get better like you said you wanted to. I think the key goal in your situation would be to accept it and try to see it in a positive light. I think this site would really benefit you if you ever want to vent. You should definitely stick around.

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

You're not alone.  There are many of us.  I think that if this can be controlled, then it can be harnessed and used for good.  Don't worry about expressing your feelings here.  We're here to support you.  If you want to discuss this with your psychologist, I suggest taking copies of the studies and articles done.  Be prepared that he or she may not have heard of it, so you may have to explain it.  If you want tips that people have suggested for controlling it, there are some listed along the right side of the main page.  If you need anything, you can always message me.  Good luck.