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Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest

Finding comfort in the DD world

When the real world starts to fall apart. I wish I could just disappear in my daydream. Just found out my husband of 16yrs has a girlfriend. A girl from highschool that he reconnected with on facebook and has been texting. He meet her saturday night at a coffee shop to comfort her after she left her husband. He swears there has not been any other contact but he has "feelings" for her. He assures me he has no plans of leaving me. WTF!!!! then why tell me all this crap? Now I feel horrible, I don't know if I believe him or trust him going forward. I don't think she will give up after leaving her marriage, so it may just be a matter of time.

The last week he had been telling me I was cold to him but I didn't think i had been now I think it was his guilty concious. He starts off by asking me if I ever had feelings for anyone else during our marriage, well NO. He wanted me to say yes so he wouldn't feel bad about it. The strange thing is now that I need to escape into my DD I'm having trouble DDing. I have no friend I can tell this to, I have to keep it all inside except for posting here to vent. I just don't know what to do.

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Comment by Jennifer on January 17, 2012 at 12:23pm: Oh, you're very welcome, I wish you the very best. :)

Comment by Elizabeth on January 17, 2012 at 5:27am: Good, I'm glad to hear that. And I would ask him that when you are out to dinner if he would mind staying off his phone so you can actually have quality time together. Even if its not talking or chatting to her, being on the phone constantly like that is rude in my opinion. (but thats me, I can't stand when people are stuck to their phone especially when I'm talking to them) I had to tell my fiance that when he first got his smart phone lol. He can wait and play on it later. I think if you keep interest in him more and try to go out it will help him feel less neglected and help you two reconnect more. I'll still be thinking of you!

Comment by greyartist on January 17, 2012 at 5:20am: thanks Jennifer and Roxanne. I think things will be ok. He did agree that if she private messages him again he will tell her that is not respectful to his wife to be doing that and ask her not to meaaage him again.

Comment by roxanne on January 16, 2012 at 7:27pm: I think your making yourself go out, etc. is really good. It shows that you are doing your part & willing to meet him half way in this endeavor. Chances are he was feeling somewhat neglected since you had recently pulled back. Is he willing to let you see what he writes to her & what she writes to him?

Is there some medical doctor that is looking into the cause of your DD'ing. I'm sure it has different roots than others on here and must be hormonal or medication-related, or something. What do doctors say?

Please keep in touch. I don't think you should discount what your husband says - he may be being perfectly truthful. But obviously your antennae are up, so let's be vigilant & careful & hopefully keep him from sliding down that slippery slope. Don't keep nagging him about it. You don't want to be seen as putting him down when she's in the position of looking up to him. Stay vigilant & cheerful as much as possible. Sometimes that takes some really good acting.

Comment by Jennifer on January 16, 2012 at 7:14pm: Greyartist,

I am ever so sorry for your struggles. I am only a teenager, but I will always be here to talk to. Please trust me on this. I don't know exactly how to help with this, but do you think maybe you could tell your parents about what's going on between you and your husband, and maybe get their opinion and help from them? Or a counselor? Maybe some help from a counselor? What your husband is doing doesn't seem right at all. I am sorry for your troubles.

Jennifer

Comment by greyartist on January 16, 2012 at 9:16am: Hey Roxanne, sorry I just saw your reply. Thanks for asking. Things seem to be going ok. We had a talk yesterday about how I think her private messaging him on facebook is crossing the line. If it was the other way around he would demand me unfriend the person. But he says he is just being supportive and talking with her about her getting back with her husband. Now every time he is on the laptop or the phone I wonder. I hate feeling that way. I have made myself be more social and go out when he suggests it, anxiety makes it hard but I'm doing it. We went out to dinner last night and he said it was fun, even though he spent most of the time on his smart phone checking facebook.

Comment by roxanne on January 13, 2012 at 8:50am: Grey, what is happening now? I've been thinking about you a lot. I've been through something similar many years ago and we actually came through it better and are still together. However, I know each situation is unique.

Comment by varghese e david on January 11, 2012 at 4:46am: Infidelity is became common occurrence in social life.i’ve a number of friends, those lives are in trouble because this reason. Partner’s physical and emotional intimacy is a key to avoid this. Anyway please speak with your husband as soon as possible what he is lacking from your end to approach other girl. Try to solve immediately what he is seeking for and think about your life. We should accept our partner as him/her rather than our imagination about him/her and it doesn’t mean he/she can violate anything .DD is just a solace not a permanent solution .So you do that after patching up your relationship with your husband. we all hope your best!!!

Kindly read below mentioned articles and hope it will help you to find the reason and solution.

http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/INFIDELITY.pdf

http://www.helenfisher.com/downloads/articles/Oprah_1009.pdf

Comment by greyartist on January 11, 2012 at 4:27am: thanks for the comments, they really help. He's 39 by the way.

Comment by roxanne on January 10, 2012 at 7:24pm: I agree with Elizabeth that you should tell him his having contact with this woman makes you very uncomfortable, rightfully so. Also tell him the positive feelings you have for him, as calmly as you can. You want to validate his need to feel important ( the main reason anyone strays) without seeming clingy. He probably is being honest - if he was sleeping with her, he probably either wouldn't tell you at all or he would be talking about leaving. He may want to get your attention, to tell you that he is wanting something. Ask him what. After 16 years, a natural kind of malaise sets in. How old is he? Is this a mid-life crisis sort of thing?

This is so difficult to go through. I'm sure you feel all sorts of emotions, but remember that many more men have these feelings than actually act on them, so don't be too pessimistic. I do understand, though about DD'ing. If there is some major upheaval in my life, it is hard for me to DD. Maybe it's because whatever is going on really requires my attention. Now is not the time to zone out. For some intermittent "comfort", I would suggest DD'ing that you are going thru same experience with your DD "crush." This is much easier as you know you have control. At the same time, you aren't denying the feelings you are having.

Keep us informed so we can provide much needed support during this time.