Feeling Lost

[Amanda Lewone]

I quit daydreaming. I also stopped listening to music (major trigger that I can never resist), limited TV, “internet”, certain kinds of print media  (like women’s magazines) in favour of productive activities. The other rule is that I cannot spend the entire day obsessing about my “self” (i.e. reading up on shyness, introversion, schizoid, identity, self confidence, depression and so on, basically trying to find a diagnosis for “what is wrong with me?”). To give my mind something to focus on (I am not currently employed), I have set up some daily goals. 

Let me first mention that I have been daydreaming for a very long time. I am also in my daydream world constantly. I mean there are no breaks. I am always in the alternate reality in my mind, even as I engage in the real world, I am not truly invested in the real world. My case is severe. My alternate reality IS my reality. 

The first few days I quit were not a success but I just kept going (this is probably the millionth time I have quit by the way, so I have learnt some lessons from prior quitting experience). 

Yesterday I did a liquid cleanse to jump start a healthy lifestyle (this is just so my mind has something to focus on). I only drank water, lemon water and a “green” smoothie. I also did not daydream yesterday. I did some minor exercise and reading. 

I woke up today with zero energy due to not eating. I got out of bed and felt “lost”. Without my daydream world, without music, internet and TV, employment and no close relationships, who am I? I felt like I had no place in the world. I felt peace and suicidal at the same time. I felt free yet afraid. There was a time, especially where my mind was not “chattering”, when I felt  this calm that I first interpreted as depression, but I now think it is not. I think it is a serene state that my body does not recognise. It is too used to being in a daydream state or listening to music  or planning. I also had no energy from not eating, so combined with the “feeling lost” it was just too much for me to handle. I felt like crying, but I didn’t (I pictured myself crying and “letting it all out”, but I really had no energy to cry in real life). I told myself that I would cry and write a journal entry about how I feel when I got to the gym. 

I lazily, somewhat depressed, drove to the gym. When I got there I was too lazy to cry and write what I felt. I do not know what I felt. It was something new. I am never in touch with my real emotions, I am always in my other world where everything is perfect, a place where the only “emotion” I have to deal with is feeling awesome about my achievements. 

It’s such a weird feeling. I don’t even know if “lost” is the word. I have not told anyone about this so it is also strange talking to my mom and brother as usual when inside I feel different. This is a huge loss (or “change”) and they don’t even know it. This loss is actually very traumatic. I feel disoriented. I mean had it been the loss of a pet, job or person at least people around me would be aware of my loss and sympathise (or understand that things are different). But since I cannot reveal this to my family, I just have to go on living as though nothing has changed though I feel different inside. I have to mourn on my own. I have to find a new life, a new identity on my own. 

I have to become someone else on the inside even though the outside looks the same.

[Teagan Heart]

Eliminating triggers was a great step you took. Way to go!

[Amanda Lewone]

@Cody Thanks. I also think working would help. I tend to not daydream when other people are around. For now I will perhaps just go to the public library. I can’t be in my room all day and expect myself to not dd. 

@Telepsa Thanks for the response!

Re 1, I  tried that and it doesn’t work for me (I really wish it did) :( An hour turns into a day…and makes it harder to get back to real world goals. When I don’t dd at all, it somehow makes it "easier" to keep focused. Once I dd (for even 10 minutes), I am gone…for months. 

Your second suggestion will be hard, but I will try. I just have to find the words and courage. I think my mom knows (not that it’s md, just the talking aloud thing).  

 

[Telepsa]

I know how you feel... as, I believe, do many others here.
There are two things based on my personal experiences that you may find of use.

1) Don't go cold turkey.
I know, it seems counterproductive. HOWEVER. If you set yourself into a specific schedule (9:00 gym, 11:00 daydream for an hour, 12:00 lunch, 2:00 hobby time, etc.) you'll get the best of both worlds AND a sense of accomplishment, which, in my case, usually helps get off the dream world where I am far more accomplished than in real life! Let yourself daydream and reward yourself when you stop after a specific time. This will take care of the "guilt" trigger after excessive daydreaming, which you don't need. 

2) Talk to someone about it.
I know. It seems huge, perhaps you're terrified, like I was, that people will think you're crazy, that they'll never see you the same way again. Still. If there's someone in your life you trust enough, speak to them. Not only will it get you over the feeling of guilt and of deceit we all feel as we all lead "double lives" in a way, but you may actually feel your DD desire decrease for a while. 
Generally speaking, I find that if I talk about DD with someone when I feel compelled to do it, generally helps me control myself better. 

So in short: Get organized, get talking, get rid of guilt as much as possible. 
Hope this helps. Just remember, there are many others like you out there who can provide support!

[Cody]

I hope things look up for you. I've found working a part time job helps a lot with limiting DD kinda forcing me to focus on this world. Still I can't resist doing it at times,

 

[Amanda Lewone]

Thanks for the encouragement Shelly. Yes, I will keep on fighting. 

The outside can be very deceptive. It has also changed my perspective on other people. I am dealing with mdd, who knows what others deal with internally that I am not I aware of. I just assume they are okay, because they seem okay. 

I will probably be reading older blogs on this site to get encouragement. It actually helps so much knowing others are battling with this thing too. 

 

[ShellyBelly]

Wow. This is truly powerful. I too desire to stop DDing but I never thought that maybe we would suffer loss. Our lives, though outwardly may seem empty are really very full aren't they? We are fulfilled in other ways. It never occurred that we might grieve. All I can say is that you are on your way o something beautiful. As awesome as DDing can be at times, your life can only improve if you stop IMHO so don't get discouraged. You are just at the beginning. Don't be afraid. Keep going and keep us posted.