Family and MDD - ZO

[Zone]

So, my family doesn't know about MDD or that I have it. As far as they know I am their angel child with perfect grades, good friends, and active in the school community. 

Lately, I have started to watch and enjoy anime. Which is super fun, a lot of my friends watch anime and I convinced NE to watch the one I love. But, then MDD kicked in.

In most fandoms, there is a plethora of fan made content. It usually consists of fanart and fanfiction.

Let me rant about fanfiction for a second. When you hear the word, most people think about the romancy reader inserts and whatever. I hate those. I prefer the ones that are more like an extra season or episode. But most people don't think that's what I mean. So get bad vibes already.

But, with anime, there is something else people do that I find really cool. There's this thing called MMD (Not MDD, but ironically similar sounding). Its a computer program that lets you animate characters and add sound and do all sorts of cool stuff. So, I started looking at those.

This part is hard to explain. I originally started watching them thinking, "Oh, this animation looks so good!" I program for the school robotics team, so I could appreciate the effort programming-wise. But then, it kinda went downhill.

I would watch a video, and think of a backstory for it. Like, there would be a dancing video and I would think, "Oh, this character dared this guy to do this," or whatever. I less of watch them, but zone out and daydream as they go. I have entire stories based around them.

Now, I don't know about other MDDers, but I am super majorly insecure. I always feel that people are going to reject me and leave me because my brain works differently. I am super paranoid that my friends are "pity friends" who don't really care about me. So, I still hid.

I watch these things on an iPad. My younger sister likes to come and bug me when I am watching. Every time I see her come toward me, I quickly pause and hide the screen so she won't see it. I just felt that it would hurt way too much for me to handle if my own sister rejected me.

Well, guess what? Yesterday, she asked me why I hid the iPad every time someone came over to talk to me. She assured me she wouldn't judge me. Well, next time she came over, I decided to trust her and didn't hide the screen. She looked at me like I completely lost my sanity and said, "That's just sad."

THAT IS WHY I DON'T TELL MY FAMILY ABOUT THIS CRAP! Sister, you question why I am introverted and don't talk much and am super soft spoken. THAT IS FLIPPING WHY! 

...

I feel like no one will accept me, so I hide. Someone tell me they won't judge, then they do exactly that. 

...

And they wonder why I have trust issues.

...

I barely trust this community to not judge me...

[Fallen Messenger]

I world like to add on to what Source is saying. I've told things about MD on this site i would never tell my family in a million years. But I know I can trust this community because we are all going through the same things. I feel like I relate to you especially, I am the poster child of my family, dupe involved with school, straight As, and love anime. But the thing that sets us apart, that sets me apart from most MDers is that I've learned how to control my MD and use it as a crutch in my life. And since we're so similar I want to tell you that you CAN trust this community with your deepest darkest feeling and secrets about MD. And I say "MD" instead of "MDD" because I no longer believe we suffer from a mental disorder. I believe in hopeful thinking (not wishful thinking) ans believe that I you integrate this into your life you may be able to trust more in this community and be able to open up more to your family in your life. You can always keep MD as your little secret from your family, but I believe that because of this you no longer believe you can trust your family with anything. I see you going down this spiral of enclosure and hate. YOU need to pull yourself out now to sac yourself from losing all hope in this world! I am not judging you, as I said earlier, we are shockingly similar. I love all MDers with a sort of brotherly-Like love. So please listen to what I'm saying and don't get offended. It took me a long time to get out of the state you are in. I was once in your Sam spot and did pull myseld out of it, and frankly, I put a loaded gun to my head and had to make a choice. Ever since I chose to live, I learned hope from one of my most trusted friends, she saved my life. If you do not have a friend like this, allow this community to be your friend and give you hope. MD is not a burden once you know how to control it. Please don't take offense. And please ask me ANY questions you have with MD, I really don't want you to be into the same situation I was in and give up. Choose hope. Choose to live. Choose to trust in what I'm saying.

[Source]

You say that you barely trust this community, and yet you trust us with even more information than you did your sister. Something drives you to have more faith in strangers on the internet than in your kin. Perhaps you hope to encounter people with no bias because they knew little to nothing about you?

But that's alright. The purpose of this site is research, sharing stories and trying to help each other out, not judge others.

That said, how much of the "judgement" you feel from others actually comes from others? Is it other people constantly looking down at you and laughing internally with malevolence, or simply your idea of them doing it taking over all reason?

There is no understanding without self-reflection, but self-reflection can become too strong at times. What do you think of yourself, deep down? How strong is that feeling? Is it strong enough that it reaches out of itself and gets projected on other people?

I don't require an answer. These are questions to be asked and answered to yourself first.