Eviction

[S K]

I procrastinate and procrastinate and procrastinate. I have procrastinated my treatment, my action, my decisions and now things have come to a head. My parents want an answer by tomorrow. My landlady told me on Friday she’s kicking me out (I am paying rent on time- but she doesn’t like me, I don’t do the social niceties the other girls tend to do). My mind is a flurry of memories and emotions, most of which I can’t control. This has prevented me from acting on decisions and taking-charge of situations. It has been a combination of using the internet, TV and reading to distract me. When those distractions aren’t there emotions overwhelm me to the point of paralysis. In an attempt to sort out the emotions I thought I would write down a history of sorts, of my life –a history of my experiences and depression and social anxiety  and even MD and how events and decisions conspired to put me in this position. Repetitive actions and coping patterns – mistakes and compulsions and maybe, even biology. But obviously I didn’t because of a tenuous cycle of not confronting emotions-getting distracted-not getting things done. The physical place of my pg (paying guest) contributed at least partially to the non-confronting of emotions. It was the place of my nervous breakdown, a place where I had been socially isolated and had always contributed to my feeling of being trapped. It was safe I guess, it had 24X7 security camera and the owner’s door was open-so she could monitor who came in and out, but I always felt claustrophobic. I am looking at my diary entry which I wrote in August-end to work out the hundred-thousand different ideas in my head. I had written the reason I didn’t want to stay there. In fact in May when I came home for summer I had already decided this wasn’t the place for me. It was a gut instinct decision and since I couldn’t really rationalize it to anyone including my parents (and since they were paying) couldn’t move.

Even now as I am writing this I procrastinated. I kept wanting to finish earlier articles I had opened online, watched Mike and Molly, Psych, Castle, and one more show I don’t remember on TV, cornflakes peanut butter & jelly-sandwich/French toast,(which I couldn’t eat) and a couple of minute-long Jon Stewart/Stephen Colbert online blurbs as well as researching The Fray based on a song online.

I guess it’s aggravating, annoying and stressful because it’s not on my terms, it’s a compulsion, it’s being forced on me and the people(i.e. the owners) who are pushing this on me are those who I have tolerated despite all their shit for my own sanity. I don’t usually curse but it’s the sheer insanity of the situation-the whole irony of the situation I have gotten myself into.

Seriously it’s like my mind wants to shut down. I don’t want to face reality. My laptop wasn’t working so I (hand) wrote a couple of pages in my diary. When I have time I will type the paragraphs and multiple analyses I had done of my situation since September and written in my diary and just vomit it all out by posting it online. 

[Mai Xiong]

Oh geez I procrastinate too. A lot on my textbook reading. Maybe a list might work. List things you want to do, even small things like watching a certain show, buy certain things and then have the will to go through it.

[ShellyBelly]

WOW! The way you described your day is EXACTLY how my life is. I am so sorry you are going through this. *big hugs* I totally feel you on the procrastinating thing. At first I was ashamed because I thought I was just lazy but then I realized, if I was merely lazy, I would have fixed it by now because I am suffering due to this. Why would I CHOOSE to suffer? Reading your post is revealing because it shows what I have long been suspecting, and that is that MDD is a product of pent up emotions and a mind that is so full it can't produce answer fast enough and so we have this strange way of self-soothing. All I can tell you is that you will get through this and you will survive. Just go ahead and do it even if you don't feel it. If you can, move back i with your parents and just take the time you need to cope. Best wishes. :-)