Escaping wonderland.... (1st post)

[Gina Black]

"Maladaprive Daydreaming."

So that's what's going on in my head! At last, I know!

...But I still have MD. It can't magically disappear just because I know. Damn!

Probably sounds familiar, right? I'm on the correct escaping path,  but my brain is still a mess. I need to organize it.  So...I am going to write down my progress. You are probably the only people who can understand me, so if you feel that something's off, feel free to call me crazy (it's better if I know)!

My story starts like this... A little girl was living in a world that wouldn't let her be herself. So she built a cocoon of daydreams, and kept sleeping inside its safety. And it worked, until she grew up. Now it's hatching time. It isn't easy, but as fairytales say, butterflies must crack their cocoon open by themselves, so that they can be strong enough to face the world.

Butterflies are still pretty squishable, though. 

I hope that my story is going to hatch a fire-breathing iron dragon. Or something equally hard-to-die.

Ahem. Introductions.

The whole drama plays inside my head, so I'll have to show you around the place.

Here (*points left*) you can see Wolf. He is an imaginary, talking wolf, also my ex-teacher and currently a good friend. 

...I guess I should have expected the stare.

Awkward.

I'll explain. My subconscious is very, very talkative. I am lucky on that, because I know what it wants to tell me right away. No weird, messy messages that take 10 psychologists to figure out. Just plain, clear words. There is a reason for that: I went through a phase where I was passionately researching parapsychology. Out of curiosity mainly-but I spent so much time playing around with my subconscious, that in the end I started to understand what the hell it's talking about (It is a very useful skill, because the subconscious often messes up the rest  of your brain) Around that time I "met" Wolf. I were reading a text about "how to meet your totem", and my subconscious chose a wolf to pop on the surface.

I forgot all about the "totem"-but my subconscious didn't. Months later, he suddenly re-appeared. Wolf is a personification of my desire to calm down and face reality. And that was the purpose of his existence! To make me notice something was off and listen to my desire. Literally.

He KINDLY motivated me to grow a pair and face life. Our conversations were often messy and didn't make sense, as I hadn't exercise much in "inner listening". But after 3 years of "teaching" I improved much on it-and on my feelings about living my life! 

Suddenly, after these 3 years, Wolf announces it's time for him to go. Just like that.

I were so surprised! I mean, it's my own subconscious, right? How can it decide things so matter-of-factly? But it did, since I had no more need for him. I had 3 more "teachers" of life: The desire for survival (a snake), the desire to get my life in my hands (a lion), and the one for love and warmth (a monkey).

A year later, after some revisions, my four "teachers" gathered and granted me graduation from the "cocoon college". Which meant I was in peace with myself (and had hopes in GETTING A LIFE!)

They also said me that my teacher now would be the world itself. So they left...but they are still  "visit" me sometimes, as friends. And their visits help me understand what I need. I gained ground against MD for the first time in my life, and their "teachings" still prove helpful in that part. I started actually trying to function in real life, and came in terms with myself.

The one thing I am not in term with, is that I'm at my 20's and still find useful to have imaginary friends...

Sigh...

[Gina Black]

Oh, so you are also a fan! :D :D :D

It is a genius manga, I love it. It has some nice tips from time to time, too. (Akiyama's line, "doubting people means that you care for them", has helped me in 1-2 occasions!)

I guess you are right. My subconscious speaks quite plainly after all.

Thanks, by the way :)

[taffle]

first of all, love your avatar! liar game, very psychological manga. secondly,good luck with graduation. I guess internally, you're not a girl anymore, but not yet a woman.

[Gina Black]

Eretaia-(beautiful name, by the way!) that sounds pretty much correct. Both imaginary friends and compulsive DDs seem to work this way. 

It looks like the "4 teachers" are representing my bigger problems!

[Gina Black]

My "voices" in total, are: the 4 teachers, the Demon I mentioned, a girl that represents my inner self, and a bodyless voice at the back of my head. The girl was upgraded from a kid to a teen only a few days ago, when I decided I want to get rid of my MD. She was always appearing as a kid up to then. The voice is the mysterious type, but has been helpful. The strongest one seems to be Teiresias, the snake. He gives some drastic, spot-on advice (as expected from a survivalist!). He has lately developed an ability of anti-MD venomous bites, which is quite helpful in waking me up. 

By the way, it's strange how sometimes they seem to know things I don't. That's why I'm sure they are messengers of my subconscious. 

[Eretaia]

Hello Gina. Nah, don't worry, everything you said is normal for a regular MD-er. Imaginary friends are camouflaged parts of your unconscious which either mirror your profound desires or mask your fears - but at the end of the day, when they remove masks, they are all you. I'd assume each one stands before a certain issue, so when you address and resolve that specific problem, they'll peacefully subside.  

[Gina Black]

Thanks, M. Hunter :)

About Darren-I also have a friend called "Demon", who was in the dark side. And was trying to drag me into it. He pushed me in several embarassing and uncomfortable situations, while other times he acted like helping me with his dark ways. I don't know if he actually cared, or not, but he wanted to have power over me.

But I have a happy ending with his case.

Demon formed after reading a technique in P. Coelho's "Mage biography" (he already exhisted in me, it's just that I could spot him now). This technique suggested that I should confront him as a friend, neither as an enemy nor as someone to follow. That was hard, you know how persistent and bossy this type is! But I did see him this way, as a very annoying friend (he's a part of us, after all) Sometimes my situation was just like yours, he tried to control me whenever I felt weak. I did my best in keeping my ground and talking things through. I had lots of fights and discussions with him, and always had to keep an eye on him. In time I started to understand him, while still not agreeing with him. Bit by bit, the bad things he represented started to fade, and he became weaker. I became stronger. In the end I discovered his "core", which was my awful feelings against men. I got over it, and my weakened black Demon started shining with a white light. After this transformation he's resting peacefully, and rarely bothers me anymore. 

I wish you can fight your own demons too :)