Where wild minds come to rest
I'm on my nearing the end of my 4th year of treatment for depression, and I think I've come to a conclusion. My depression is highly likely to have an internal cause. Which is why a change in environment, whatever it may be, doesn't have a significant influence on my mood.
Which is why my MDD, as a coping mechanism, doesn't ever leave.
I changed my university course, went with my heart instead of my head. I tried to keep myself busy, but it didn't last long. I caught a viral illness and burnt out within a couple of weeks. My "friends" haven't helped, even my family, who are as supportive as you can get, have tried and failed. The professionals in my life haven't managed to do much in terms of treatment either, they just provide a medical safety net so my university teachers don't kick me off my course.
I don't know why I'm saying all this. I suppose I want to rant.
The problem is ME. I'm never content. I constantly have this urge to run away, to leave everyone in my life behind and start fresh. But I have no where to go, so I retreat into my head.
I find solace in my imaginary world. I suspect all the characters are just fragments of my ego. I'm incredibly self-involved, pathologically so. It must be why I feel so hopelessly detached from reality.
I don't understand why I'm so fragile. Why the people in my life seem to offend me or hurt me or scare me away. Why I seem to run at a different frequency to other people. Maybe I'm wrong about that though, maybe I'm exactly the same as everyone else and THAT is what depresses me.
I'm not sure, all the hate and resentment and shame gets mixed up into one great, ugly lump and I can't separate it any more. I just don't have the energy to.
The life that I want, the one that I think I want, could just be smoke and mirrors. I could reach the dizzying height of my ambition for success and still be desperately dissatisfied because I haven't fixed what's broken inside. What if self-esteem can't be earned? What if it's just this thing I chase for the rest of my life?
My reality, filled with opportunities that many people will never see, doesn't engage me long enough for me to fulfil any of my dreams. I want to work hard and create and perform and be respected. I want to be valued by people who don't share my dreams. Nobody owes me that so I have to go out and get it.
I don't want to be that girl that has to drop out or give up, the girl whose name no one seems to remember, the girl whose opinion isn't taken seriously, or worst of all, the girl who is alone. I want to be the antithesis of all that.
I have my ideal life in my mind and it won't stop seducing me with its promises of temporary and sometimes enduring happiness. I crave it so much I'm actually shaking right now just thinking about it.
I'm going back into university tomorrow after a week long stay at home and I'm honestly dreading it. I don't know how I will make it through the day or explain my absence to my class. I'm a total wreck. :(
I can barely bring myself to shower regularly and I have to somehow convince them I'll be able to catch up what I've missed and be in the right state of mind to perform on stage. My mind is going "fuck this shit I'm out" and "daydreaming all day using kpop as trigger material sounds like a pretty good plan" but it's also going "you should just concentrate on getting back into your university routine without having another break-down".
Nothing seems feasible at the moment, except maybe squeezing myself through the open window of my dorm room :'(