Digging Up The Past

[Angel]

Taking a break from house cleaning to do a blog update.  Its been a while so its due.  Been too busy at work and not on the computer at home much lately... Here goes.

 

Dr. C has upped my antidepressant and one of my migraine preventatives.  Seems to be helping so far.  We'll have to see what happens in the long term.  I've noticed that with the antidepressant (Zoloft) that I've not been daydream binging.  My daydreaming is a more tolerable amount, that middle balance that I've been seeking.  Dr. C doesn't know about that, he's just trying to help control my depression.  Only my counselor knows about the MD.  The only thing I'm concerned about is if we up the Zoloft again, will it keep decreasing the amount of my daydreaming?

 

On the counseling side of things, we've been looking at my old photo album.  The one with my childhood photos.  Its amazing all the details that I can remember, all the stories that can be told off even one photograph.  My counselor commented on how I'm smiling in all my photos, but as I tell her about them the emotions and stories are far from happy.  I guess I got really good at faking it.  I thought that was something I learned as an adult on the job working with clients, nope, I learned it when I was growing up.  If you can fake the smile and cheeriness in a bad situation, then its super easy to fake it with nice clients in person and on the phone.  I already knew how.  Funny that.

 

Besides digging up dirt, sharing the photos has brought up some good.  I was involved in the Junior Grange, an organization for kids.  It was an escape from my crazy home life.  Through the Junior Grange I got to go to weekly meetings, play & interact with other kids, enter baking/photography/art/etc contests, go on trips, and go to Summer camp.  The older couple who ran the group back then, I recently found out still runs it today.  I ran into the lady at Costco while shopping.  I told my counselor that I should probably let her and her husband know what a positive influence they had in my life.

 

We have one more session with the photo album.  This will be the third one.  There are some very interesting and emotionally charged photos in those last pages.  I think after that I should talk with my counselor about my sexuality and the conflict of feelings I have because of my Dad's live-in-girlfriend.  She did some things that are considered sexual abuse.  She is so disgusting, everything about her!  But when I was a young adult I had to come to terms with being bisexual and resolve that my feelings for women had nothing to do with her.  She is gross, so how could they?  If anything she would make me hate women.  And there is the conflict.   Sometimes I do have a problem with women.  Maybe its fortunate that I fell in love with a man?  The rational part of my mind says that is stupid and unfair.  Love is love.  I am attracted to both and have been since I was a little kid.  There just wasn't a way to recognize it as a little kid. So my rational mind says find a way to get over it, talk to the counselor, talk to your fiance, or even talk to your fantasy characters if you have to.