depressed

[Ollie Dee]

I use my MD as a means of escape. I lie to myself, saying it really helps me but in the end I know it’s just an excuse. With each and every daydream that I have I lose another piece of myself. I use my MD as a distraction from my own feelings and emotions so I don’t have to face them. It’s so hard to even explain what I’m feeling on a normal basis and I write most things off as "whatever" and play indifferent. But it’s because I‘m not sure how I should feel anymore. I run away from the truth and bury myself within the world I created in my head, but it can only stay perfect for so long before what I was running from reaches me there too. Seeping in through the cracks until the one thing that made me content is now leaving me with a sense of unease and emptiness as well. With this false sense of happiness. I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy, because even when I claim to be happy I still feel sad. I feel like I'm living just to take up space and suck up air, without a purpose. Like I'm alive but dead at the same time.  I don't know how to cope with anything that I feel and I'm in a rut. I don't even begin to know where or how to start fixing it. 

[Ollie Dee]

thanks Emilia.

Having someone to talk to who is willing to at least listen does seem to help a lot. I really needed that. It's nice when someone takes the time out to respond and you can relate to what they are saying too.

[Ollie Dee]

I don't have any counseling to go to because they cut back at my school because of high demand  and it's too expensive outside of school. My mom doesn't know how bad it is, and if she found out I'd be eaten with guilt. Honestly, I've just gone so long without expressing what i'm  really feeling (after seeing that my opinion didn't count at an early age because of someone else's bias) for so long I can't remember how to do it. My own feelings have become foreign and scary to myself. I've been making up my own worlds since I was 11 and it all seems so natural now. My social anxiety peaked a whole new awareness last year and I just don't know who to go to. Sorry for all the ranting and if it sounds like I'm making up excuses. I guess when it comes down to it, I don't know who to go to for help without causing my mom discomfort. I feel so horribly alone in this, besides the few people who answer back online. I don't want the disapproval, hurt, and guilt that is to come if my mom finds out I'm not okay and have been more or less suffering, I  just want her acceptance. Wow, now I'm just venting. I am sorry. I'll stop now.