Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
I swear, I haven't been day-dreaming for almost 2 months. Some little dreams here and there, this is normal, but definitely I'm no longer having drop outs for hours or days. The achiever: I said it, I did it. But I'm still here, writing my blogs, getting rid from demons from the past, definitely attributed to my day-dreaming. Well, I don't know, maybe, if I said it publicly, it will go. Like Roger Water became a happier person after writing very personal The Wall. Maybe. So, up close and personal :)
I'm a "chewer", chewing past events. Yesterday we went to watch a play with my sister and her friend. A very funny comedy with actors I know from Polish movies. We all waited for it for long time. My sister and her friend laughed their heads off... and I was ruminating. Thinking about one lady from my work and her unfair and illogical behaviour. I had a mind conversation, telling her about all negative experiences, challenging and asking, why she didn't act as a role model for others (what she supposed to be). Then I experienced total katharsis, stopped looking for logic in impulse, forgave her and had fun during last 30 minutes of the play. But, please, I missed so much fun because of rumination. I had to forgive earlier, for my own good at least.
I'm a talker, I need to talk my dreams out. My past dreams were mixed with reality and became gossips. And most of the girls like gossips, you can't help it. But it gets dangerous, when you create of brighten the story. Really, I didn't have any bad intentions, I just thought, it was fun. I know, it's no fun, it just hurts people. I haven't been creating stories for long time but the previous stories turned out to be so addictive that people come to talk them again and again. Please, they know, it's not true, why do they come? Anyway, I'm still totally a gossip girl. This week we were talking an old story again, I haven't finished it and, when came to my desk, wrote a message, which went not to the girl... but straight to our department head. He isn't as bad as I was writing, you know, the fact that someone is terribly introverted doesn't mean zero communication skills, but I'm f***ed up and I'm overdreaming and then overstating the facts. And then I heard: "Ooooh?" and realized, you can hurt the unhurtable. I stood up, shouting: "Please please delete it. I won't gossip anymore". And then I realized, what dignity means - one should be really strong to forgive / ignore someone weak hurting him, stating wrong facts for no particular reason. And later I heard: "Nothing matters as long as you deliver". The girls were coming around and asking: "What? What did you write?". But at least for short time the gossips are blocked in my head, there seem to appear a mechanism that prevents brightening stories and attributes all gossips to shame.
I'm evil, a natual manipulator. There are courses on how to manipulate people to achieve, what you want. I need a course to lose this ability as this is EVIL. This is twice evil, if beyond your control. That's sick that I like to punish people or hit their weakest side. Everyone has a weak side, sometimes your strong side is your weak side. Like if you're very discipline, this is your strong side (delivering on time) but also your weak side (you get nervous, if the plan is broken). And it takes an imagination and a mind exercise to analyze and derive the weak side. This is in control. But hurting and punishing is beyond control. What is especially weird is that smart and mentally strong people used to be subjects of my day-dreams and now, when the day-dreams are discontinued, I'm punishing them for not behaving in a way I wanted. I know, there is no reason for it but it goes. If someone is attached to you, you play hurt and weak, so the person keeps wondering, what was wrong, falling into rumination. If someone is disciplined, you break the plan and watch him / her lost. If someone is very much on feeling side, you find a good proof that feelings lead to decay. If someone is very much on intellectual side, you find an impossible to solve mind task and watch them lost. If someone is very much attached to material things and achievement, you gather around people and talk idealism in so inspiring way that all agree that we shouldn't care about material things... and you watch this person lost again. If someone is unbreakable, you go to high level of ignorance and watch them softening. If someone wants to break you, you break much faster than expected and get so miserable that the opponent starts feeling guilty and sorry. Where have I learnt this?
I know, I know, it all comes from the fact that I shouldn't mix imagination and reality. I haven't been doing this for 2 months but the demons from the past still appear.
When do you think you started really manipulating people?
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