All the things I said. Rumination in practice

[Julie]

 

"One day I will ask you, what you think about me" has broken my 2 months of DD abstinence. I've spent a week in rumination trance, observations and talking my thoughts. The good thing is that I learnt zero DD at work. The bad thing is limiting my sleep to have time for rumination. The worst thing is that I got emotional, really emotional, crying for no reason and almost having nervous breakdown. And now I'm back, ready to stop again and ready to take responsibility for what's happened. For all the things I said.

 

My favourite movie, "Blow Up" from 1966, perfectly illustrates how the mind works, all illusions, putting small pieces into a big story, seeing the invisible, seeing not existent things, seeing nonsense... Thomas is taking pictures and a woman, whom he's just photographed wants to get the pictures for any price. He gets suspicious that, maybe, there is something on those pictures that no-one should see. He blows up and blows up the photos and puts the pieces into a story. And then he sees that the woman was giving signs to a killer when to shoot. Then he thinks, he went crazy, and goes to a friend to talk this. Because if you see something like this, you need a second person to confirm, this was not an illusion.

 

"One day I will ask you, what you think about me. But I'm not ready now". I thought nothing but after such saying you feel responsibility to think at least something. So - after all, I'm paid for collecting observations and putting them into a big picture - I started observations, rumination and story-creation. Misinterpreting every word, over-interpreting everyday situations and learning. And then I started feeling bad. And then learnt about energy vampires. And then turned every positive or neutral thing into negative. And then finding the concept that suited perfectly - energy vampire, the Blamer type. There is a book about them. Random nonsense, written as solid psychological case study. Three case studies. Two of them more or less suited. I provoked the third.

 

Then I talked this topic with everyone around, how hateful this person is, how nice he tries to me with me just to take my energy. And the Judgment Day came. One of those people to whom I talked about the "energy vampire" is challenging me. I thought that such situations are only in movies - you know, when the sides have an argument and there are only words, no facts, and you know that no-one will take your side as it means losing reputation. And in that emotional turmoil he took my side, having cold, fair and rational arguments on decision. And nothing happened.

 

But something will happen, the words travel. Of course, I'm adult and ready to take responsibility for blaming someone without reason and will go on, not caring what others think about me.

 

Or... well... I do care. And one day I will ask what he thinks about me. But I'm not ready now. And then it will be too late as I had the right to remain silent. Everything I said can and will be used against me. 

 

And now I have to sleep.